Regret
Posted by John Draper | Filed under Life Lessons
Everyone has regrets, right? There’s all that debt you’ve run up on your credit cards. There’s the effort you DID NOT put in to finish the paper, get the project completed on time, get a promotion. And there’s the laundry, the dusting, the thank-you notes you haven’t gotten around to just yet. So you beat yourself up. You say you should have. You feel rotten. Course, you probably don’t do things any differently the next time, giving you plenty more fodder for Mother Regret to stand over you and berate you: you fool, you simpleton, you dummy!
Here’s a Gail Bulletin: You’re wasting your energy if you’re spending time visiting with Mother Regret! Get over yourself and get on with your life.
But, Gail, all those stupid things I’ve done… shouldn’t I feel like a dope?
Sure you should. If you’ve done dopey things, then you’re justified in calling yourself a dope. But wasting good energy wallowing in regret is counter-productive. After all, the things you are regretting are things past. You can’t do a thing about them. So beating yourself up over your mistakes over and over and over brings you no closer to where you want to be. (Feeling like a dope, on the other hand, will hopefully keep you from making the same mistake again.)
Made some mistakes? Who hasn’t? And why do you think yours are worse than anyone else’s? As Warren Buffet says, “All saints have a past; all sinners have a future.”
The first thing you have to do is stop beating yourself up. Lamenting the mistakes we’ve made doesn’t help us to see ourselves as successful, which is a part of becoming successful. So instead on focusing on all the debt you’ve created, set your eyes on the payments you are making to whittle that debt away.
While you can’t do anything about your mistakes made, you can learn from them. If you couldn’t resist making purchases because your credit card was sitting cozily in your wallet, then accept that you have no self-control and leave the credit card at home.
Making a list of your regrets, with notes on strategies not to repeat those mistakes, can be a great way to shut Mother Regret up! Grab a pad and pencil and jot down the things you regret. Now take all the new things you’re going to do and transfer them to your Strategies for Success List. Burn the Regrets List.
Many people regret the things in their lives that they never did. My mother always said, “It isn’t the things we do in life that bring the most regret, it’s the things we never did. So do it all.” I took her advice and regret very little. There are things that hurt, things that I wish had come out differently, but I don’t regret them. They were lesson I learned and grew from.
If you have things you wish you had done, it’s time to make The Mother of All To Do Lists so you don’t end up with Mother Regret whispering your failings, your chicken-heartedness, your procrastination in your ear. Write them down and then get busy doing them. It isn’t too late; not until you’re dead!
As you move forward, stay focused on today. Looking too far into the future can be intimidating. Looking over your shoulder at where you’ve been is just navel-gazing. Be in the present. What are you going to do today, and keep doing every today, to make the life you want?
This may mean swapping some bad habits you’ve had for some better ones. If you’ve habitually used the bank machine as a wallet, racking up wicked bank charges every month, then today you will start planning how you spend your money. This month you will go to the bank machine only once a week – or twice a month – whatever works for you. And you’ll only carry as much money as you plan to spend, so you can’t use it all up on a whim.
Addicted to eating out? Today you’ll make lunch. Addicted to shopping? Start using a Wish List and only buying what’s on the list.
Today’s the day to wipe clean the slate and begin the rest of your life. Will you allow Mother Regret to make you miserable? Or will you take control of the rest of your life and do only those things that keep you in the zone – the place you want to be?
FYI: The new Getting To Debt Free page is up. Look at the top right side of the blog for a link. Or you can get to it from my home page. Emma’s Story is the first up. She was pretty quick off the mark because JD and I only got it all finished last night at about 6 p.m. Please note that if you post a response to the instructional first blog from me, it will be deleted. You must use the process described to get your story on the site. Thanks, and enjoy!
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October 21, 2008 at 6:21 am
My husband and I celebrate each New Year with a special home-cooked meal and by writing two lists. We take that time to reflect, review, revise, and rejoice. There is no room for regret.
The first list is a list of accomplishments for the preceding year, outlining what each of us achieved as individuals and a general achievements such as the work done on our older, but much loved (and very affordable) home. The accomplishments may be large or small, but each one represents a goal achieved.
If there are any goals not achieved, then it is a time for discussion and/or personal reflection to determine if the goal is still important enough to pursue or if it needs to be revised and included on the second list.
The second list we write is the goal setting list for the new year.
This process is very positive for us. It is amazing to look back at the year and realize how much we have accomplished and to really take the time to acknowledge and appreciate the fulfillment of our goals, big and small.
The second, goal setting list for New Year gives us a sense of renewal, hope, excitement and encouragement for the coming year.
October 21, 2008 at 10:01 am
Good advice – -there’s facing your mistakes so you can make changes (like you do every week with your fancy plasma screen!) and there’s unproductive beating yourself up after the fact. Thanks for making that distinction.
I want to say a HUGE thank you for the way you’ve gone “basic” this year on your show. I have been searching for months online trying to find to find out how Credit is rated in Canada — try to find info that isn’t American FICO scores! I have always ordered my credit report and it just had lists of credit history.
Last night the show (with Favel and his wife) talked about the credit rating and how to find out ours – - I was sitting in front of the tv with our credit reports gasping “Honey, we’re R1!!!”
So THANK YOU for all the concise info you’ve given to the viewers this year – -in the past you’ve seemed to focus on the families you’re helping, but this year’s show is informational for your viewers too.
You ROCK!
October 21, 2008 at 10:42 am
wonderful post thank you for the nice advice
October 21, 2008 at 11:43 am
Gail, sometimes I swear you are talking directly to me!
Thanks for all the encouragement and words of wisdom.
October 21, 2008 at 1:49 pm
2sammies: what great advice. I love that idea.
People are often encouraged to hide our mistakes as though they are sins. But mistakes can be wonderful things. They can lead us to our best adventures, teach us our greatest lessons, force us to grow in wonderful ways and even be art in themselves. I am an artist and some of my favourite paintings – my masterpeices – have been born out of mistakes. If you always stay on course, you may never truly find what you are capable of.
Funnily enough, my latest blog post is “7 ways I wasted money this week.”
October 21, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Craig & I will be celebrating our 28th wedding anniversary this Saturday – Lord have mercy if we hadn’t let go of all the mistakes (financial & otherwise) we certainly wouldn’t be at #28.
Every once in awhile I’ll catch myself thinking about the wrong turns and missed opportunities … but it’s pointless.
We can’t go back and change the past – it’s long gone!
It’s like you said Gail – the goal is to try and learn from those mistakes!
Sometimes Craig & I had to repeat a few over and over, until we figured them out. But eventually we learned what we needed to learn.
Living with regret keeps us in the past … and why be there?
Letting go gives us freedom to step up and make today & tomorrow worth living!
October 21, 2008 at 3:12 pm
Dawn, your comment could have been written by me.
My husband and I celebrated our 28th last Saturday and we’ve made our share of mistakes over the years. We sometimes think back and say “if only, what if” and regret the missed opportunities.
I agree, you can’t change the past and you have to let go of the mistakes you made and move forward.
Excellent post Gail.
October 21, 2008 at 4:50 pm
To err is HUMAN! to forgive and correct is within our hands. If I knew in my twenties what I know now about finances…..well, many things would be totally different, but at the same time, I am blessed, great husband, fantastic kids, who, like their parents are learning.
No regrets!!!! Can’t afford to be boggled down by them. There is a reason that the rearview mirror on our car is smaller than our front windshield one is….to make us look forward, pretty hard to drive backwards for any length of time. (not quite safe either, lol)
In my twenties I knew what I wanted (or so I thought) but I definately know in my forties what I don’t want anymore. I want peace of mind!
Not quite acquired, but getting there.
God Bless you Gail, you are a huge portion of this.
merci, Julie
October 21, 2008 at 6:17 pm
Even the crappiest decisions I have made and the worst situations that I have lived through have all shaped and educated me. I choose not to be a victim of circumstance and I choose to shape my own future. Perspective is everything. If you are not happy with how things are working out, then make a change to your perspective! Like Gail said, if you are an impulse shopper, then don’t carry your credit card with you. A small change can make a huge difference, just know yourself, and don’t let your unique challenges trap you.
I just read something in “work like you’re showing off”. If you pick up a cat by the tail, you’ll learn a lot about cats. You’ll get scratched up, but you’ll learn a heck of a lot about cats.
It’s true! It may have been foolish to pick up the cat by it’s tail (or buy the 42″ plasma TV on credit) , but there is always room to learn from the folly! Let the scratches heal, make sure your tetnus and rabies shots are up to date and get on with life, handling all cats with respect and dignity.
October 21, 2008 at 7:23 pm
Tracy J – what is “work like you’re showing off?” sounds cool!
October 21, 2008 at 7:44 pm
Ah Regrets I’ve had a Few….But there in the past and it’s time to move forward. (1) A dream retirment home purchased @ 30 and then realizing it was to far to remote and way to early, that one cost us big. (2) Then a sports car I felt I had earned only to realize I hate driving, I hate paying for gas and the insurance increase was just crazy. I still have that regret because I’m currently refusing to trade or sell a car for less then I owe on it, I still need to get my head around that. I don’t live with regrets just keep them up front in my memory banks to reflect on whenever I get a dumb idea or un-nessessary want.
October 21, 2008 at 9:43 pm
I’m reminded of the words from the Edith Piaf song “Je ne regret rien”:
No! No regrets
No! I will have no regrets
All the things that went wrong
For at last I have learned to be strong
Now I try to live by Satchel Paige’s words: “Work like you don’t need the money, love like you’ve never been hurt, and dance like no one is watching.”
October 21, 2008 at 10:47 pm
I regret not winning the lottery before we started basement renos. Heh…
Nothing worse than having a case of the “shouldas”.
October 22, 2008 at 1:25 pm
I regret not returning my library books on time. Why do I keep doing that?
October 23, 2008 at 12:22 am
Returning my books and videos on time was my new years resolution this year. Only once have I had to pay a fine, compared to everytime last year