Giving Thanks
Posted by John Draper | Filed under Thinking Out Loud
We’re not having turkey and stuffing this year. My whole family is very sad. My husband and I are divorcing and the kids are aching. It’s a long, sad story, as fractured-family stories tend to be and the he-said-she-said serves no end, so we’re just trying to do the deed in the most civil way possible.
Alex was saying yesterday how jealous she is of her friends. She’s a little sour on “family” right now, but is still wistful for the days when it was all clicking along peacefully and we knew where we stood, when there was a turkey on the table and home-made cranberry jelly. Life is full of changes, and this is one more with which we have to cope.
I’ve always taken time to express my gratitude for the things I have: healthy children, a beautiful place to live, a happy family. When some of the very core things I’ve always held as sacred — like my children’s sense of security — are threatened, it’s hard to work up the gratitude. But because I have these children who count on me, I must.
So here’s what I’m grateful for on Thanksgiving day, 2008:
- My kids, and all the laughter and learning they bring to my life.
- My friends, who are coming out of the woodwork to hug me. My girlfriend Brownie is going to drive for hours to hug me tomorrow night, and I am so grateful to her and all the others who just listen without trying to stir up my indignation or resentment. I’m perfectly capable of those on my own.
- My work mates who are showing the kindness and love that will help me stay focused so I can continue to help my families. Tasha and PJ have been rocks for me, and I can’t begin to say how grateful I am for the care they are taking with me.
- My work. It is amazing having a job where you love to go to work. And now that I’m not sleeping much, I’m happy to have lots to keep my mind active.
- My web-community. I’m writing tons of great stuff right now because that outward focus helps me stay balanced and not become filled with misery, loathing, and a sense of failure.
- My soon-to-be-ex for the life we’ve had together. Of 18 years, only the last 2 sucked donkeys. Not everyone gets a run like that!
- I’m leaving my beautiful home in the bush. It has been my heaven. I must find a new home now and I’m grateful that I have the means to do so. It’ll be much smaller than we’ve been used to in our big country home, but it’ll be full of love and peace and happiness.
- I’m grateful to my children’s schools for being so open and willing to help with the difficult transitions they must go through.
- I’m grateful to The Energy for giving me the strength, the fortitude and the positive view that will make this transition as smooth as it can be.
Change happens everywhere. It’s been my experience that the circle of life insists that things go down just as it insists things go up. Like the economy, my life is sliding along the downside of the circle. I guess I won’t know where the bottom is until I’ve passed it and started heading up the other side again.
It’s easy to look into people’s lives and think everything is perfect. There’s no such thing as perfect. But there’s always something to be grateful for. And now my test is to focus on that for which I can be grateful and keep moving forward.
October 13, 2008 at 8:43 am
I am so sorry to hear of your loss Gail. Your family is in my thoughts today.
October 13, 2008 at 8:45 am
P.S. I am thankful for you and the wonderful advice you give all of us recovering spenders!
October 13, 2008 at 9:50 am
Oh Gail. I’m sorry. Trevor and I are sending you big hugs. –M.
October 13, 2008 at 9:53 am
sorry to hear your news Gail. Its always difficult for the kids but they are resiliant and as long as they know they are loved by both parents they bouce back.
October 13, 2008 at 9:59 am
Sending positive vibes your way Gail, and giving thanks to you for all your awesome advice. Here’s a virtual hug for you, too!
October 13, 2008 at 10:00 am
i’m very sorry to hear this news. sending you big internet hugs.
October 13, 2008 at 10:15 am
I am sorry to hear about the changes in your life. I have always been impressed with your straight style and it sounds like you trying to handle the situation in a classy way. I am sending you my thoughts of support and strength. This Thankgiving, I am thankful for you and your message which has helped me wake up.
October 13, 2008 at 10:39 am
Gail, Thank you for sharing your life with us.
I feel for you and your loved ones today. Divorce sucks. Plain & simple.
I’m sending positive energy to you & yours to help make this transition a little easier. May positive things come into your lives and help you heal.
Melanie xox
October 13, 2008 at 11:14 am
Gail, thank you for sharing the bad as well as the good with us. And for showing us that no matter the situation there is always something to be thankful for.
Sending you a hug…
Akemi
October 13, 2008 at 11:21 am
I’m sorry to hear the news, but I must applaud for your braveness. You are very brave in sharing the news with us, and in taking the situation in a very claim way. I hope that everything works out like you say. *hugs*
October 13, 2008 at 11:23 am
Gail, sooo sorry for you, never easy on anyone, my thoughts and prayers are with you and yours in these painful times. Bless you!
One more thing to be thankful for, your financial savey, which would make this situation so much harder to handle if you did not have it. Bad decsions are usally compounded when in financial doo-doo! Good luck, all the best, a big hug from me!
Julie
October 13, 2008 at 11:54 am
Many hugs to you Gail. Divorce does suck, but being unhappy sucks more. Many things that happened in my divorce were for the best, but the ache for my children doesn’t stop. I am happy *inside* though, and that is what I will have for the rest of my life.
October 13, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Been there, done that and oh, I know the ache you and your children are feeling. Remember, this too shall pass, and happiness and lightness of being will come again.
Adding my hugs to the others,
Niki
October 13, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Be strong, our prayers are with you and your family. Though its never easy n quite painful there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m glad u can still find things to be thankful for this year – that’s what will keep u going and gaining strength. Hold on to that.
A great big bear hug to you………. and God bless
October 13, 2008 at 12:26 pm
Thank you for sharing the good and the bad parts of your life with us. I hope that readers out there may find inspiration from this post. Knowing that someone as successful as yourself cannot always turn a bad situation around and just needs to walk away from a bad marriage may give them the courage they need to leave their bad relationship as well.
October 13, 2008 at 1:00 pm
Sorry to hear this Gail. Going through the same (minus kids) although almost a completed process for me. Always something to be thankful for though, so do try to enjoy your thxgvg and know you touch thousands of people’s lives every day which makes US thankful for YOU!
~charlene aka holymotherofgod
October 13, 2008 at 1:04 pm
I’m not very good with words, so imagine a big hug!
October 13, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Gail, I started to cry after reading your post. I have been reading your blog for so long I really feel like you are family to us. I wish I was close by to give you a big hug and help you get through this painful period in your life. You have helped so many people, that we all want to help you now.
God bless and stay strong.
October 13, 2008 at 2:04 pm
A big, warm *hug* from the West Coast. Thank you for listing all the things you are thankful for, I for one, am thankful for your honest, practical and excellent self — and the fact that you are willing to share all that through your show and writing!
October 13, 2008 at 2:11 pm
So sorry for your loss, for divorce is a loss as well.
My advice re the children is to keep all the same positive rituals that make them feel part of a family, it will help them focus on the fact they to have a family who loves them.
I am exceptionally thankful for all the wonderful advice you’ve given everyone who listens.
October 13, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Gail…If your happy, then Im happy for you XO. *HUGS*
October 13, 2008 at 4:00 pm
Gail, sorry to hear of your sad news, but please know that there are lots of people out there that you have touched and are thinking of you and sending you lots of hugs.
October 13, 2008 at 4:40 pm
Gail, this is the first time I have left a comment for you as this post has moved me so much. I watch your show and read your blog and have learned countless things from you about budgeting (for that, I thank you).
Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us. I wish you and your family much strength as you make it through this time. I’m thinking of you and your family a lot this holiday and sending you lots of hugs.
October 13, 2008 at 4:43 pm
Here I am complaining about not having a job, now I feel like an idiot because I have my health, a partner I can trust and who loves me and 4 wonderful kids, sometimes it’s important to remember this when you feel sorry for yourself (the way I have).
Gail, I wish you happiness and love, but I think you already have that!!!!
C8j
October 13, 2008 at 4:55 pm
Gail – sorry to hear about your news. Kudos to you for being a strong parent and trying your best to keep the divorce civil. You did a prior blog about karman, and about how good things come back around. You do so much for everyone here in Canada and abroad – all that goodness will come back around to you! Hang in there; making the decision to seperate was the hard part, everything else will get a little better every day.
October 13, 2008 at 5:17 pm
Hey Gail,
Many of us have been through this, at least it’s amicable. My ex and I split on good terms and now we actually get along (who’d have thunk it?).
A divorce is a hard decision to make, but if you make that decision, it’s always for the best in the long run. As I always say, everything happens for a reason, you just might not know what it is right now. It’s not our fault that men are always wrong and refuse to admit that we are right….LOL….just kidding. At least having a sense of humour helps during a difficult time, and from what I see on the show and read on here, I think you have a great one and I know you’ll pull through. *hugglez*
Tish
October 13, 2008 at 5:35 pm
Thank you for all your wisdom, practical advice and humour over the years. I also thank you for your openness about your own situation. At times like this I think of this poem (wish I knew the author’s name):
When you come to the edge of the light that you have been given,
Know that one of two things will happen – either your foot will find firm ground, or…
You will learn to fly.
Gail – know you are not alone. You are surrounded by many admirers, friends and people who love and cherish you. You will get through this and be stronger for it.
Best wishes – Doreen
October 13, 2008 at 5:36 pm
It takes real strength and courage to be able to look at this situation and have gratitude. Not only am I confident that you can get through this but also that your children will become stronger seeing their mother handle this situation with grace and dignity. All the best.
October 13, 2008 at 5:48 pm
I am sorry to hear your sad news. I have watched you almost every night on TV and met you once in Toronto last February and you are truly a wonderful person. You and your family are in my thoughts.
October 13, 2008 at 6:38 pm
just hugs. big ones.
October 13, 2008 at 6:40 pm
O Gail!
I’m sorry to hear what has happened to you. You have been a very HUGE, like SUP-AH BIG inspiration to me, and to see all the things you are STILL thankful for, gives me more hope.
I’ve been down in the dumps lately, (lost my love, moved back in with family, had more unforeseen bad news!) and doing the exact opposite. I havent been engaging in the things that make me happy (listening to music, reading your blog, dancing like a maniac & pretending that I’m on So You Think You Can Dance Canada) because I feel too defeated to even bother! Now that I see how you’ve handled what life can bring, I’m going to get up off the fat-ass my mama gave me and find joy through the pain.
Once again! I’d like to THANK YOU so much for continuing to inspire me. My thoughts are with you and your family and I pray for a smooth recovery!
Love
Peaches
October 13, 2008 at 7:18 pm
So sad for you Gail but you seem like a tough lady who has been through lots and come out the other side an even better person than what you were like before!! I am sure this will be the same so take all the hugs and love from everyone and be thankful for that as well – that you have so much support….my thoughts and prayers and positive energy have been transferred to you….good luck on this new journey:]
October 13, 2008 at 7:27 pm
Dear Gail,
I am very sorry to hear that you are going through this difficult time. A divorce is so difficult for all involved. Please be strong and know that others are wishing you all the best and that you are in our thoughts at this time. Best wishes to you and your children.
October 13, 2008 at 7:44 pm
All the best to the family.
October 13, 2008 at 8:04 pm
I am so very sorry to hear your news but I am truly thankful for your sound financial advice and your blog that I read almost every day. Your children have two parents who love them very much and I know that you will make this work for them. I had a chance to meet you in Toronto in February and I see you as an authentically giving person. Sending a big cyber hug to you.
October 13, 2008 at 8:48 pm
Gail,
I’ve been a huge fan of yours (and the show) for a few years now, and I’m thankful that I started watching your show. Eveything I know about money and debt, I learned from you. I tell everybody I know to tune in; your advice is sound, honest, and caring.
Thanks for sharing a piece of you with all of us, and for being my financial role model, my hero.
I wish you all the strength you need for this difficult time. Love and blessings…
October 13, 2008 at 9:17 pm
Gail, even when your circle is on the downward swing you still look for the positive! You are truly an inspiration… I hope at Christmas you have a nice big turkey with all the trimmings in your new home.
October 13, 2008 at 9:58 pm
Gail, I know your blessings are just around the corner. You are a huge blessing to many and a wonderful daily inspiration. You are in our prayers as you open a new chapter and turn a new leaf.
Wishing you all the peace and happiness.
: )
October 13, 2008 at 10:36 pm
Having being recently divorced myself, I know how difficult it can be. Thank you, Gail, for the time you take to wright your posts – so full of a common sense advice and a good-hearted humour, and good luck to you with the new beginning. I’m currently enjoying mine also
October 13, 2008 at 10:43 pm
((((((((((((((((((((((gail))))))))))))))))))))))))))
add this e-hug to the many others coming your way.
recently divorced, i have learned so much from you.
October 13, 2008 at 10:45 pm
((((((((((((((((((((((gail))))))))))))))))))))))))))
add this e-hug to the many others coming your way.
October 13, 2008 at 10:54 pm
Oh Gail, we are so sorry! You will be in our prayers and all of your “web friends” support!
October 14, 2008 at 1:30 am
When one door closes, Gail, another one opens. Your humanity is – for the rest of us – perhaps a selfish relief.
October 14, 2008 at 1:31 am
At dinner tonight, during grace I said a little thankyou for you coming into our lives. A year ago we were heading into our 2nd year of marriage and accumulated 40 thousand in dept…we have turned it around with your help but we are always stuck on the relationship rescue challenge
. I understand the he-said-she-said and the no talking at all. Thank you for letting us help you through your struggles, since you have helped so many of us.
We love you Gail, our prayers are with you and your family
October 14, 2008 at 8:32 am
Gail, you have been such an inspiration to so many of us… I’m so thankful for you and your wonderful advice, your sense of humour and willingness to share yourself. I have been watching your show for a while now, and just recently found your website. Your strength and courage are an inspiration, and I know your future will be full of wonderful days! Thanks for everything.
October 14, 2008 at 9:05 am
Gosh I am soo sorry to hear about your divorce Gail. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. Be strong, we stand with you in support and love. The universe has bigger plans for you and every one of us, than we can ever plan for ourselves. Thanks for being you. You rock lady!
October 14, 2008 at 9:07 am
Gail, I look forward to reading your blog everyday and was very saddened to hear your divorce news on this one. Please know how very loved you are, the difference you make in so many lives and that many, many people care about you.
My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family at this difficult time. Thanks for being there for all of us. Feel the love and the giant hugs being sent to you.
Much love,
Lisa
October 14, 2008 at 9:48 am
Big hugs, Gail. Your strength is an inspiration, as you are able to count your blessings even when the tough times come. Just take it easy, and remember that there are A LOT of people praying for you and your family.
October 14, 2008 at 11:26 am
Gail, I am so sorry to hear of your divorce. I watch your show religiously and look forward to reading your blog every day. I have been through hard times and it is your strength that has been my inspiration. Though you may have difficult times ahead, it is your determination, Gail, that will get you through this.
You and your children are in my prayers.
Big Hugs, Dianna
October 14, 2008 at 11:55 am
All the best to you, the ex, and the kids. This stuff can’t be easy for anyone, even head-on-straight smart folks like you and your clan. I’m sure everything is unfolding exactly the way it’s supposed to. This moment is perfect just as it is, as awful as it feels.
October 14, 2008 at 12:10 pm
Sorry for the news, Gail. Add our hugs to the others! Wishing you the best in a difficult time.
October 14, 2008 at 12:48 pm
At first I thought it was a joke of some sort – to make some kind of point since that seems to be your style in some way. I even reread it a few times over to make sure. Shocked is how I can describe it, an odd feeling considering I don’t know you personally, yet my thoughts – along with others – are with you during this challenging time. Take care of yourself. Wishing you all the best.
October 14, 2008 at 12:56 pm
So sorry to hear that sad news. Sending lots of cyber hugs your way!
Hang in there and good luck!
October 14, 2008 at 1:19 pm
So sorry to hear, Gail. You are such a strong, positive person who is truly an inspiration for all of us.
I hope you can continue to find the positive amid the negative right now.
Thinking of you & your family, *BIG HUGS* from mine.
October 14, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Hi Gail,
I’m sorry to hear of your news. I felt saddened as I was reading your blog. We do have many challenges in life that we face but there’s always our family, relatives and friends who we are very grateful for in enriching our life in many ways.
Good luck to you and your kids.
October 14, 2008 at 3:06 pm
What a wonderful post and what a great example you are to all those people who are enduring changes right now! That even in this time in your life when things are not going well or ‘according to plan’, that you can find so many things to give thanks for. I love this web site and check it regularly and your post on Thanksgiving has reminded me of all the things that I can list to be thankful for! Bless you and your family during this difficult time of transition…
October 14, 2008 at 4:17 pm
A big hug being sent your way Gail…..As my mother always said “Tough times don’t last but tough people do”….oh, that is actually a book written by Robert Schuller that she gave to me twice each for a different challenge in my life. My mother was a positive thinker and you definitely remind me of her.
October 14, 2008 at 4:31 pm
So sorry to hear your news Gail. Your post reminded me I have much to be thankful for.
I am also sorry that you have to leave your lovely home in the country. Hopefully you don’t have to go far.
October 14, 2008 at 6:41 pm
Big hugs for you, Gail, and your family as you go through this difficult time. Wishing you much love, strength, and peace.
I’m sure you won’t turn down another hug, especially one from my beautiful 6 1/2 month old daughter who is a TDDUP fan in training!
October 14, 2008 at 9:24 pm
HI Gail – I am sorry for your families loss – but thought you could lose a little perspective from a 6 year old. My sister and her husband divorced before my son was born. He just “figured out” a few weeks ago (although this was not a huge secret – it just didn’t enter his thoughts fully) that his 2 cousins have 2 different homes. As I was explaining this to him (you could see his little brain working) – he questioned me “does that mean they have 2 moms and dads – and I explained yes a step-dad and mom and a step-mom and dad. Then my son asked “does this mean that he has 2 homes?” yes it does honey – then his brain was working faster “does this mean that they have 2 bedrooms” – yes it does honey – then his brain was going even faster “does this mean that they have 2 sets of toys” yes honey – and finally “does this mean that they have 2 families that love them” – yes honey ” that’s no fair mom – I only have 1 family” – so there are silver linings in every cloud.
October 14, 2008 at 10:43 pm
Our thoughts are with you. You are such a strong, inspirational woman… and you are handling this with so much class and grace. Chin up.
October 15, 2008 at 10:07 am
Hi Gail, just wanted to say that I am really sorry to hear the news. I want you to know that you have made a big difference to a lot of people (including me). You are an inspiration and a wonderful role model. I’m wishing you and your family peace during this challenging time.
October 15, 2008 at 10:17 am
Oh, Gail, you and your family are in my thoughts. I am just starting down this same road, figuring out how I am gonna stand on my own two feet since he’s the one with all the dough, wondering what the heck to do with a house we can’t sell in this market, but can’t afford to keep, either, and, oh, THE ACHE—-it’s the word that most closely resembles that messed up sad feeling–a little defeat, a little sorrow, a little anger and a LOT of fear….when you look at your precious babies and wonder what kind of person you can be to cause them so much grief, so you can realize your own happiness. I cry all the time, for that reason. ACHE.
But, you’re right….there are so many things we can be thankful for . And I have tons of reasons in my life, too. So, we have our little cry, we take a big breath and we do go on, and the sun does shine, and we still find ways to laugh, and we keep trying our very best for everyone.
I hope it’s not too creepy to you to find that so many folks in this country “count” on you and your work to help themselves feel smart, strong and worthy. I hope it’s a warm fuzzy that helps you through your own struggles. Share, Gail. We’re here for ya.
XOXO
Lynda from Harrow
October 15, 2008 at 12:57 pm
I’m so sorry to hear this news, Gail. I wish nothing but the best for all of you.
October 15, 2008 at 6:14 pm
Dear Gail,
So sorry to hear that you and your husband are divorcing. I really do wish you and & your family a speedy passage through this difficult time.
October 15, 2008 at 6:53 pm
I know everyone else said it too, my heart goes out to you at this time. But having followed your show and your writing here it’s apparent that you are very strong and a fabulous mom who will manage to keep home and hearth a happy place for your kids.
October 15, 2008 at 10:13 pm
Hugs, big hugs especially for your kids (coming from a kid of divorce). We all get through it and you are one strong lady – I bet your kids are pretty strong too!! Again, hugs and positive thoughts for you all from the west coast…
October 15, 2008 at 11:24 pm
Sad to hear this, Gail. You’ve been a great support to others so I hope you get the support you need. You’re still a great woman at the end of this.
October 16, 2008 at 5:32 pm
Gail, my heart goes out to you and your family. I know you are a strong woman and you will share your strength with your children. The new home you build together will continue to be filled with love, laughter, and wonderful times around the kitchen table.
As all your followers here take baby steps in their finances to become more secure, take a deep breath yourself Gail, and then baby steps towards your new life and all that it holds.
Sending cyber hugs!
October 16, 2008 at 6:08 pm
Good thoughts heading your way. *hugs*
October 19, 2008 at 10:17 am
When you feel down, I hope you re-read all the emails of people you have helped and the ones where we are sending you messages of comfort like those above on this post. You have no idea of the positive influence you have had on so many people out there. My thoughts go to your family.
October 19, 2008 at 10:24 am
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through Gail.
October 19, 2008 at 8:58 pm
the fact that you can commit to words that “only the last two sucked donkeys” is phenomenal. your kids are extremely lucky to have a mother that can be so amazingly pragmatic during such a difficult time.
October 21, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Hey Gail, I’m just you a big cyberspace hug regarding getting divorced, and all the upheaval that goes with it. I’ve soooooo been there, done that, and I appreciate how much it hurts and how much it sucks, 10 fold more when there are kids in the mix.
Even the most stalwart, iron tough, brazenly honest women so many come to rely on have their times where they must lean on others for support. Now is your time.
The best modern definition of “family” I’ve ever come up with is: “where the needs of all members must be considered”. So if it helps your kids at all, you are still a family, as everyone’s needs must still be considered. It’s just that it’s a separated family now. But it still counts. As long as everyone concerned, but most importantly, the adults see that this is still a family, it’ll really ease the transition.
Also, the divorce itself doesn’t hurt kids quite nearly as much as all the fighting they are often caught in the cross fire of before and after divorce (see M. Gary Neuman’s book “The Sandcastles Way”), so as long as you and your soon to be ex make an agreement to not fight in front of the kids or put them in the middle of your adult conflict, most of the horrible nasty bits of divorce for kids can be minimized, as I’ve learned from managing my own separated family.
Best wishes and love to you, and chin up gurlfriend!
October 21, 2008 at 11:05 pm
Gail:
I am sending you hugs and blessings and will be holding you and your family in my prayers. Kudos on having a civilized divorce for your children’s sake……..I’ve seen too many of the other kind and watched it destroy children. Your show is wonderful and you seem so lovely, lively, funny and I see those huge hugs you give at the very end. I wish for you a future full of hugs and love.
October 21, 2008 at 11:08 pm
Gail:
I send you hugs and blessings and will be holding your family in prayer. I admire your determination to have a civilized divorce for your children’s sake……I’ve seen too many of the other kind and watched as it destroyed children. I love your show and you seem so lovely, lively, funny and you give those wonderful big hugs at the end. I wish you a life filled with many hugs and lots of joy.
October 22, 2008 at 11:47 am
I am truly sorry for you and your family’s situation. You and your spouse have not come to this decision lightly and I commend you for your kind comments about your spouse and your ability to give thanks for (and be able to see) the wonderful things you still have, like a wonderful family and network of friends. Even though this decision may be for the best there is still a period of mourning for what might have been. My heart goes out to you at this difficult time.
November 12, 2008 at 11:12 am
Gail, from today’s post (Nov.12), we learn that you’ve bought a house and are saving for a new roof. We’re assuming your new life path is being paved one way or another. We’d love to hear how you, your spouse and your children are dealing with this new phase of your lives, how the transition is going. What kind of tips can you share with families who will be living apart, etc. Will you still be living in Northumberland county, close to the bush if not actually in it? How have your children dealt with what is happening? What can you recommend we speak to our children about, and how do we go about it? New town, new school, new friends, as well as all the old since children will be sharing time and place between both parents.
You have become such an important and integral member of your viewers’ families that we cannot help but be concerned and connected in some way. I hope you do not mind my questions, and please do not take offence or consider it an intrusion in any way. I am glad November is a good month for you – for us as well. God bless and everyone keep up your spirits – there is definitely a light at the end of absolutely every tunnel!