Change is Hard
Posted by Gail | Filed under Life Lessons
Ever wondered why you can’t stick with your diet or why your exercise routine goes the way of the 8-Track in no time flat? Wish you could give up those cigarettes or stop doing some other self-destructive behaviour? Why is it that you just can’t get your better half to finish painting that room or get that garage cleaned up?
If you’re at your wits’ end about why you can’t get your partner to change, or why you can’t change your own behaviour, it may not simply be that you’re a dumb-ass. Nope.
I’ve just finished reading Chip and Dan Heath’s book, Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard. I like these bros. This is the second of their books that I’ve enjoyed. They’re smart communicators.
In this book, they draw upon on research to identify the factors that make change hard. Their basic message is a simple one – a truth we’ve all known for years: change isn’t easy! People who find it hard to change aren’t lazy. They’re just worn out. It takes deep reserves of self-control and focus to make change happen.
One of the most interesting things the Heath brothers found is that Self Control is an exhaustible resource. There we were thinking we had boundless supplies of self-control when that simply isn’t so. It seems that self-control actually saps our energy… all of our energy: physical, cognitive and emotional.
The Heath brothers tell of a study in which one group is allowed to eat displayed chocolate chip cookies while another had to restrain themselves from eating the cookies. Both were kept working on an unsolvable geometric tracing task. The folks who could eat all the cookies they wanted – so they didn’t have to show restraint or control their impulse to eat – stayed with the unsolvable chore significantly longer than the group that had to use self-control.
The lesson here is that you have to focus on one thing at a time when you’re trying to change and cut yourself lots of slack elsewhere. Since it’s exhausting to keep yourself under wraps all the time for everything, you’ve got to choose your battles.
Even reigning in how you feel can exhaust you and affect your abiity to change. People asked to restrain their emotions while watching a sad movie exhibited less physical endurance than others allowed to cry.
One of the major stumbling blocks to change is a lack of clarity. Another is the tendancy for people to over-think their decisions. In fact, according to the Heath brothers, the more options available – the more routes you can take to change – the less likely you are to actually get on the road to change.
No matter how well planned, no change occurs without motivation. Change is driven forward by feelings strong enough to override fatigue, lack of restraint, and even fear. Consider creating what the Heath brothers call a “destination postcard“ in your mind — or literally on the wall — of what you want to see change. And reduce the change to smaller increments that you can do successfully. So if you want to stop eating out so much, start by not eating out on weekends. Build from that success to not eating out on long-weekends: Friday through Monday. Build from there.
Since motivation can be contagious, working with others who have similar things they want to change can help keep you on track. That’s the whole idea behind the Gail Clubs: when people of a like mind get together, wonderful things can happen.
August 13, 2010 at 7:49 am
wow, that’s interesting! thanks for sharing.
August 13, 2010 at 8:23 am
I enjoyed this book too Gail. It was very insightful!
August 13, 2010 at 8:36 am
I think just stopping eating out on weekends is an unattainable goal, without finding an adequate substitution for the behaviour… it could be, “we will cook as a family on weekends”, or, “we will have spaghetti night on Saturdays”… it has to be more planned and tangible with a specific behaviour to replace it; you can’t just say you “won’t” do something, even if the implication is there that you will cook, it has to be more specific, or the motivation won’t be there for long, no matter how motivated you are to be financially ‘healthy’.
When my husband quit smoking, he substituted eating sunflower seeds… he always has a paper cup in his truck filled with the empty shells, but he’s been smoke-free for almost 1 1/2 years!
The same as starting a new behaviour… you can’t just say, “I’m going to start running”, it has to be more specific, like “I’m going to start running on my treadmill every night after supper for 10 minutes, after which I will reward myself of reading my book for 10 minutes.” You’re much more likely to do it then. Same as, “I will put $50 from every paycheque in a TFSA” is a lot more attainable than, “I will save $1300 by the end of 2010″.
Goals have to be specific, and then you’ll go far, and find change is easier.
As mentioned in another post, I always write down what I want to see in my life as a journal entry, ie: at the end of the summer, year, etc. I almost always achieve what I set out, or beyond, because it’s specific; the things I don’t achieve I realize it was because it was something that I don’t value as much as I thought I did.
August 13, 2010 at 8:39 am
That hit home today. Im exausted keeping my self-control and trying to pick myself up from challenges at work, challenges in my relationship (currently seeking therapy), challenges with my debt level, and overthinking solutions with so many options.
There are just too many things I need to fix with my behavior. Im working on myself, taking baby footsteps, and the last thing I want to do is become a burden for people that surround me…
.
August 13, 2010 at 8:46 am
@ Daniel: First thing you need to do is not be so negative about yourself! Don’t EVER call yourself a burden to others! Would you ever let any of your friends say that they are a burden to you? And don’t say you “need to fix” your behaviour… be more positive and, for example, say, “instead of complaining about x, I will talk about how great the weather was on Saturday”. The best thing you can do for yourself, is to start a journal, in which every night, you write down the things in your day that were positive… maybe it’s “only” that you had a fulfilling breakfast, or you made your own lunch, or someone asked how your weekend was, but you’ve got to start being more positive. Hang in there!
Oh, and Gail’s bracelet idea may work for you too… every time you think a negative thought, switch the bracelet from one arm to the other.
August 13, 2010 at 9:42 am
Wow, definitely a book I need to read! This was a graet post today Gail (as always). Gets people ta thinkin’.
August 13, 2010 at 9:48 am
Good suggestions Cas. I think to help make changes a reality it helps to make your goals so ‘real’ in your mind’s eye – that you see them, smell them, taste them, feel them.
Use visual reminders – e.g. an icon / image of how you’ll feel / be when you reach your goal. Put these images everywhere – in your wallet, on your desk, in your car, etc.
Keep focused on the ‘prize’. Doing so will nudge you that much further in making your changes a permanent reality.
August 13, 2010 at 9:59 am
Is change really so hard? Or is that we focus on the big goal and get discouraged, and not on the little changes? For instance, a common goal that many of us have is to get in shape. I don’t focus on my weight, I focus on if I went to soccer this week (yes) went for 2 runs last week as well (yes) and feel good (yes). I dont’ focus on if I lost 3lbs this week or not. I think so much of life’s accomplishments are the little things, focus on them and you’re in good shape.
Be the change you want to see in the world. Always liked that quote.
August 13, 2010 at 10:09 am
I find it really helps to write out the plan. Once I have made the decision to do something (run a 1/2 marathon, lose weight, save money), I have to write out the plan on how I’m going to do it, then keep track everyday on how I am doing. Keep myself accountable to ME. I don’t have to make any decisions about things, I just follow the schedule, it really takes any self control issues out of the equation. I don’t feel like running tonight? Too bad, it is on the schedule, quite honestly if I waited until I felt like running I never would.
August 13, 2010 at 10:33 am
I don’t know what it was that motivated me to start on the road to debt freedom. I’m glad we made it to debt free, and I’m really glad we go to the Kitchener/Waterloo Gail club meetings. They are so worth it. Lots of like minded individuals trying to help motivate each other.
regards,
Jason
August 13, 2010 at 10:57 am
I know this is slightly off-topic, but does anyone know the date and time that the new show Princess will be on Slice? I don’t want to miss it; it looks like a good show.
August 13, 2010 at 11:13 am
When I started my debt diet I started recording my feelings of shopping withdrawl in a debt diary that I kept with my budget biinder. It helps to go back and read my older entries.
Just saw the ad for Princess starting Sept 7th. Can’t wait to see it.
August 13, 2010 at 11:43 am
I like to think that I’m open to change, but when change is thrown my way (ie: yet another new procedure at work), I’m not the first prson to embrace it. Just starting to live on a budget was a big change for me and my hubby, but that’s a gooood change… and we’re already seeing a difference!
Can’t WAIT to watch Princesses!!
August 13, 2010 at 12:03 pm
I have a one night a week job leading the meeting at our local Weight Watcher’s…( I lost 40 pounds on the program and this helps me keep it off…)…anyhoo, it really is amazing how many things between weight loss and maintenance and finances are the same…I agree with Cas, when making a change…finding the right substitution is key….if you are eating out because you hate cooking 7 nights a week then perhaps the substitution needs to be a way to stay in and eat but still not have to cook…that way you are making the change in your spending but substituting it with something that is doable…and I agree with Geoff…you need to focus on what you did accomplish…not on what you didn’t…i.e. maybe this week you blew your grocery budget BUT, you still managed to avoid using your credit card…or, maybe you gained a pound BUT overall you still lost 13 pounds…this stuff is not failure…it’s feedback…when we succeed we know we are on the right path, doing the right thing….when we don’t succeed it just means that we need to look back at what may have changed from when we were successful and go back to doing those things….we can learn a lesson from everything we do…this philosophy makes change a much easier process….
@Geoff…that is also one of my favourite quotes!
August 13, 2010 at 3:26 pm
“Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me” – Carol Burnett
I’m not a big fan of change, I like my rut. I hear you Mo D about all the changes in the workplace. Having said that, my finances have changed big time and I’ve decluttered here like crazy. Third auction. That’s my change for right now. Baby steps.
@DanielC – hang in there! A very wise woman I knew (my Mom) always said: “This too shall pass”
Off topic: In reference to a previous post about tips – my chiropractor and his receptionist loved my homemade muffins. I wasn’t charged for missing my appointment last Friday. Had my hair cut yesterday and it cost with tax $22.60. I rounded it up to $25.00 – and as I said before – I round up for her services and she has a Christmas gift in her future.
August 13, 2010 at 3:43 pm
I made a big change last month. I closed all of my credit card accounts.
August 13, 2010 at 4:16 pm
Cas and Catherine – Thanks for your support … Need to hang in there, stay fit, and take advantage of the beautiful weather over here today in Mirabel, Quebec. Going for a bike ride after I post this, to clear my mind and a breath of fresh Laurentian air…
August 13, 2010 at 5:29 pm
I think a big part of why I like to read personal finance blogs and forums is for the group motivation to keep everyone on track to their financial goals.
Reading articles like this one is also a good way to stay on track!
August 13, 2010 at 6:49 pm
I’m trying to de-clutter my house. I read somewhere ( I think on here by another poster) about getting rid of 5 things a day even if it’s just a piece of paper. So I try for that. There are 4 of us so sometime I go around and count to 20. Some days I shred hundreds of pieces of paper or donate 3 bags of clothes. I just had a garage sale and got rid of lots of stuff. I have a goal to turn the garage into a playroom but just keeping it simple has been working. I’m thinking about starting a blog to capture the journey. The guy who is trying to live with only 100 things sounds interesting but I couldn’t be that extreme. I am motivated by Mother Theresa who only owned a few things altogether.
August 14, 2010 at 1:57 am
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August 15, 2010 at 6:18 am
What a fantastic post! Being a psych minor, I loved all the examples!
What a well-rounded blog — thank you for some good food for thought. I know I will be sharing this information with others!
Harry