Comments on: T&T : Oh Crap! Edition http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/archives/1936 Mon, 21 May 2012 15:52:22 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: Heather http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/archives/1936/comment-page-1#comment-46641 Heather Sat, 31 Jul 2010 04:52:56 +0000 http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/?p=1936#comment-46641 LOVE YOUR SHOW GAIL! I hope that someday there will be mandatory financial management classes in school, starting from grade 5 and every year thereafter, all across Canada. LOVE YOUR SHOW GAIL! I hope that someday there will be mandatory financial management classes in school, starting from grade 5 and every year thereafter, all across Canada.

]]> By: Liz* http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/archives/1936/comment-page-1#comment-46468 Liz* Fri, 30 Jul 2010 13:28:55 +0000 http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/?p=1936#comment-46468 In each of these letters to Gail as I can sympathize with each person for different reasons. But I especially wanted to say to D: D - it's important that you explain to your husband that his reluctance to talk about things affects you and that continuing this way is unacceptable for your peace of mind. There are too many flaws for that to be a valid plan: maybe he dies, maybe you die, maybe you'll both life for a long time in various states of health. I've already discussed with/yelled at my guy that him passing away is not the way I'd like to resolve our financial issues, not to mention that things won't magically resolve themselves because he dies. Just because he isn't here to see the mess doesn't mean there isn't one and it's not fair on you or me to have to deal with it. No doubt he loves you so keep discussing it. If he really doesn't hear you then you'll need to take control of things and do your best to secure things for yourself. Best of luck to each of you. L In each of these letters to Gail as I can sympathize with each person for different reasons. But I especially wanted to say to D:

D – it’s important that you explain to your husband that his reluctance to talk about things affects you and that continuing this way is unacceptable for your peace of mind. There are too many flaws for that to be a valid plan: maybe he dies, maybe you die, maybe you’ll both life for a long time in various states of health. I’ve already discussed with/yelled at my guy that him passing away is not the way I’d like to resolve our financial issues, not to mention that things won’t magically resolve themselves because he dies. Just because he isn’t here to see the mess doesn’t mean there isn’t one and it’s not fair on you or me to have to deal with it. No doubt he loves you so keep discussing it. If he really doesn’t hear you then you’ll need to take control of things and do your best to secure things for yourself.

Best of luck to each of you.
L

]]> By: Harrowgal http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/archives/1936/comment-page-1#comment-46254 Harrowgal Thu, 29 Jul 2010 14:41:43 +0000 http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/?p=1936#comment-46254 Just over two years ago, my husband walked out on our life together and I was left with the financial mushroom cloud to live through. At first, I had panic attacks about losing my house; I tried for a few months to pay all the bills, but the fact was, I was trying to support a two-income lifestyle with my own meagre single one. So, I let the house go. Oh, it was horrific, to be sure. The pain that myself and my two beautiful young kids had to get through after we moved was tremendous. There were a lot of tears, all around. However, we talked through it; I explained in the simplest terms why mummy couldn't pay for the house anymore, and we talked about how lots of people move houses for lots of reasons. These many months later, I'm still mopping up. Our lifestyle has been diminished, but not by much. My point is, one can survive disaster. Don't obsess over the negative; look to the future and see your life for what it is--a journey. Two years ago, I thought I had it all-I had "arrived". Now I feel like it's way more fun to keep travelling. Just over two years ago, my husband walked out on our life together and I was left with the financial mushroom cloud to live through. At first, I had panic attacks about losing my house; I tried for a few months to pay all the bills, but the fact was, I was trying to support a two-income lifestyle with my own meagre single one. So, I let the house go. Oh, it was horrific, to be sure. The pain that myself and my two beautiful young kids had to get through after we moved was tremendous. There were a lot of tears, all around.

However, we talked through it; I explained in the simplest terms why mummy couldn’t pay for the house anymore, and we talked about how lots of people move houses for lots of reasons.
These many months later, I’m still mopping up. Our lifestyle has been diminished, but not by much. My point is, one can survive disaster. Don’t obsess over the negative; look to the future and see your life for what it is–a journey.

Two years ago, I thought I had it all-I had “arrived”. Now I feel like it’s way more fun to keep travelling.

]]> By: Melaniesd http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/archives/1936/comment-page-1#comment-46235 Melaniesd Thu, 29 Jul 2010 12:39:30 +0000 http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/?p=1936#comment-46235 Miss Melanie I'm sorry you are carrying your parents burden. I hope, as Gail said, that your parents are reassuring you that you will all be fine. Remember that this is your parents job to fix this situation, it's your job to be a kid. At 11, I may as well have been 20 with the responsibilities I had at your age. It sucked. Please remember that you are special and obviously a very smart young lady to have taken the time to write to Gail. Take this opportunity to learn with your parents about how to budget, how to plan grocery shopping and cut costs, but remember providing and managing the money is your parents job. You can help and understand why your parents might have to cut certain luxuries like cable - but also be sure to learn ways to have fun together that doesn't have to involve money. Last night my son, who is almost 5 & I went for a hike along our coast here in Nova Scotia. We had great fun and it didn't cost us a dime. I got to teach him about hiking safely, the harbour and how the ships navigate into the harbour, and about his natural environment. We also went picking wild blueberries this week. We often go for bike rides together too. We baked muffins with the blueberries that we picked. Sometimes the adults also need to be reminded what they can do for free and still have a ton of fun! Melanie, if your parents do end up filling for bankruptcy, please know that it's not something to be ashamed of and they will make the best decision that they can for your family. I was bankrupt as a young adult and now I have turned my finances around and am doing well. Sarah, I wish you the best as you transition to your new life. You are stronger than you think. You have been given some wonderful advice on this thread. Another suggestion I would add is do you have a friend who is a single parent that perhaps you can share a home with? Miss Melanie I’m sorry you are carrying your parents burden. I hope, as Gail said, that your parents are reassuring you that you will all be fine. Remember that this is your parents job to fix this situation, it’s your job to be a kid. At 11, I may as well have been 20 with the responsibilities I had at your age. It sucked. Please remember that you are special and obviously a very smart young lady to have taken the time to write to Gail.
Take this opportunity to learn with your parents about how to budget, how to plan grocery shopping and cut costs, but remember providing and managing the money is your parents job. You can help and understand why your parents might have to cut certain luxuries like cable – but also be sure to learn ways to have fun together that doesn’t have to involve money.
Last night my son, who is almost 5 & I went for a hike along our coast here in Nova Scotia. We had great fun and it didn’t cost us a dime. I got to teach him about hiking safely, the harbour and how the ships navigate into the harbour, and about his natural environment. We also went picking wild blueberries this week. We often go for bike rides together too. We baked muffins with the blueberries that we picked. Sometimes the adults also need to be reminded what they can do for free and still have a ton of fun!
Melanie, if your parents do end up filling for bankruptcy, please know that it’s not something to be ashamed of and they will make the best decision that they can for your family. I was bankrupt as a young adult and now I have turned my finances around and am doing well.

Sarah, I wish you the best as you transition to your new life. You are stronger than you think. You have been given some wonderful advice on this thread. Another suggestion I would add is do you have a friend who is a single parent that perhaps you can share a home with?

]]> By: Marie http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/archives/1936/comment-page-1#comment-46114 Marie Wed, 28 Jul 2010 23:59:33 +0000 http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/?p=1936#comment-46114 Diana: I loved your story! Good for you! Diana:
I loved your story! Good for you!

]]> By: Diana http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/archives/1936/comment-page-1#comment-46113 Diana Wed, 28 Jul 2010 23:47:01 +0000 http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/?p=1936#comment-46113 20 years ago I was Sarah except that I had two daughters, a 3 year old and a new born. I had been living with my parents since I was 4 months pregnant with my second daughter and my parents were at their wits end because they saw no end in sight. My employment insurance was quickly running out. They gave me an ultimatum and that got my butt moving. The first thing I did was apply for subsized housing at every organization that offered it including co-ops. I did lots of research. I ended up with more than 1 offer and chose a unit close to the downtown core, near the rapid transit station and schools and parks. It was in the working class district but was still a safe neighbourhood near many parks. The complex was full of other single moms and lots of kids. Next I got over my shame and applied for welfare but I had a plan. I also applied for student loans and got accepted at school. I found a great family daycare close to home and qualified for subsidies. It was amazing how everything fell into place once I got going. We lived in subsized housing for 6 years until I finished school and started earning a living wage. We had no car, didn't go on vacations and usually wore second hand clothes but it's funny because when my daughters and I look back on those years spent in "poverty", all we remember is the many friends we made, great joy and lots of laughs. 20 years ago I was Sarah except that I had two daughters, a 3 year old and a new born. I had been living with my parents since I was 4 months pregnant with my second daughter and my parents were at their wits end because they saw no end in sight. My employment insurance was quickly running out. They gave me an ultimatum and that got my butt moving. The first thing I did was apply for subsized housing at every organization that offered it including co-ops. I did lots of research. I ended up with more than 1 offer and chose a unit close to the downtown core, near the rapid transit station and schools and parks. It was in the working class district but was still a safe neighbourhood near many parks. The complex was full of other single moms and lots of kids. Next I got over my shame and applied for welfare but I had a plan. I also applied for student loans and got accepted at school. I found a great family daycare close to home and qualified for subsidies. It was amazing how everything fell into place once I got going. We lived in subsized housing for 6 years until I finished school and started earning a living wage. We had no car, didn’t go on vacations and usually wore second hand clothes but it’s funny because when my daughters and I look back on those years spent in “poverty”, all we remember is the many friends we made, great joy and lots of laughs.

]]> By: Shab http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/archives/1936/comment-page-1#comment-45966 Shab Wed, 28 Jul 2010 15:07:05 +0000 http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/?p=1936#comment-45966 I second Caroline's suggestion that Sarah look into daycare subsidies. I believe all provinces have them and she would certainly be eligible on her income. Also recommend she get some help from an employment counsellor - they can offer all kinds of services from figuring out what she wants to do, how to go about a job search, writing a resume etc. Start with Service Canada. Also some further thoughts for D - did your hubby's heart attack happen after you married? If so, maybe he's feeling guilty that he isn't able to give you the life he thought he could, and holding on to the finances may be partly his way of trying to maintain some illusion of control and "taking care of you". It also sounds like he may be depressed, very common in heart attack survivors. Finding him (and yourself) some support could make a big difference. I'd suggest talking to your family doctor about it. Also, is he getting any cardiac rehabilitation? My dad had a heart attack and got a triple bypass years ago. He was referred to the Coronary Artery Rehabilitation Group in his city (Saskatoon) and lived for over 20 more years - and it wasn't his heart that gave out in the end! The group provided all kinds of educational and support services - both formal and informal - including an exercise program and facilities. He attended faithfully 3x a week right up until his health failed and he physically couldn't attend anymore. Something like this could make a world of difference for your husband, which could go a long way to help cause other shifts in his thinking. I second Caroline’s suggestion that Sarah look into daycare subsidies. I believe all provinces have them and she would certainly be eligible on her income. Also recommend she get some help from an employment counsellor – they can offer all kinds of services from figuring out what she wants to do, how to go about a job search, writing a resume etc. Start with Service Canada.

Also some further thoughts for D – did your hubby’s heart attack happen after you married? If so, maybe he’s feeling guilty that he isn’t able to give you the life he thought he could, and holding on to the finances may be partly his way of trying to maintain some illusion of control and “taking care of you”. It also sounds like he may be depressed, very common in heart attack survivors. Finding him (and yourself) some support could make a big difference. I’d suggest talking to your family doctor about it. Also, is he getting any cardiac rehabilitation? My dad had a heart attack and got a triple bypass years ago. He was referred to the Coronary Artery Rehabilitation Group in his city (Saskatoon) and lived for over 20 more years – and it wasn’t his heart that gave out in the end! The group provided all kinds of educational and support services – both formal and informal – including an exercise program and facilities. He attended faithfully 3x a week right up until his health failed and he physically couldn’t attend anymore. Something like this could make a world of difference for your husband, which could go a long way to help cause other shifts in his thinking.

]]> By: psychsarah http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/archives/1936/comment-page-1#comment-45964 psychsarah Wed, 28 Jul 2010 14:54:15 +0000 http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/?p=1936#comment-45964 I notice that, in many instances, (outside of severe mental health issues, and even then sometimes), that when people ask for advice, they really know what they have to do, but they aren't quite ready to do it, for various reasons. They are hoping for an answer they know they will not receive. I hope that these poor souls take Gail's advice for what it is, and are in a place to hear it and act on it. My heart does go out to all of these people, as it is very challenging to continually feel out of control. I notice that, in many instances, (outside of severe mental health issues, and even then sometimes), that when people ask for advice, they really know what they have to do, but they aren’t quite ready to do it, for various reasons. They are hoping for an answer they know they will not receive. I hope that these poor souls take Gail’s advice for what it is, and are in a place to hear it and act on it. My heart does go out to all of these people, as it is very challenging to continually feel out of control.

]]> By: Caroline http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/archives/1936/comment-page-1#comment-45958 Caroline Wed, 28 Jul 2010 14:20:34 +0000 http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/?p=1936#comment-45958 I just wanted to suggest to Sarah and anyone else in her situation that she investigate daycare subsidies. In Toronto, where I live, the subsidy means that daycare costs us $4/day, rather than the almost $80/day it would cost otherwise. This is a fantastic program! I'm not sure what other municipalities offer, but it is definitely worth checking out. Sarah could also check with her local YMCA, since many of them offer subsidized daycare. I just wanted to suggest to Sarah and anyone else in her situation that she investigate daycare subsidies. In Toronto, where I live, the subsidy means that daycare costs us $4/day, rather than the almost $80/day it would cost otherwise. This is a fantastic program! I’m not sure what other municipalities offer, but it is definitely worth checking out. Sarah could also check with her local YMCA, since many of them offer subsidized daycare.

]]> By: Geoff http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/archives/1936/comment-page-1#comment-45957 Geoff Wed, 28 Jul 2010 14:19:00 +0000 http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/?p=1936#comment-45957 Hugs to the brave 11 year old. Good for you for taking an interest. I think Gail's advice was spot on - if your'e worried, talk to your parents, let them know you're worried and why and find out more about the situation. Don't let your age deter you - although I think it's unfair that you're involved, you will be affected by their situation so good for you for taking an interest. Consider trying to talk to a guidance counsellor or trusted teacher too. It's a tough thing, finding out your parents aren't perfect. I do not look forward to the day my son learns that lesson. Hugs to the brave 11 year old.

Good for you for taking an interest. I think Gail’s advice was spot on – if your’e worried, talk to your parents, let them know you’re worried and why and find out more about the situation. Don’t let your age deter you – although I think it’s unfair that you’re involved, you will be affected by their situation so good for you for taking an interest. Consider trying to talk to a guidance counsellor or trusted teacher too. It’s a tough thing, finding out your parents aren’t perfect. I do not look forward to the day my son learns that lesson.

]]> By: Jason http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/archives/1936/comment-page-1#comment-45954 Jason Wed, 28 Jul 2010 14:01:39 +0000 http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/?p=1936#comment-45954 I've always planned for the future. I might not live to a ripe old age, because you never know what cards you will be dealt, but if I do I'm prepared to make it financially. I know that I've setup my future and my wife's future correctly. and she has all the information she needs to keep going after I'm gone. Some of the reader questions to me seem like people that really need to just take control of life regards, Jason I’ve always planned for the future. I might not live to a ripe old age, because you never know what cards you will be dealt, but if I do I’m prepared to make it financially.

I know that I’ve setup my future and my wife’s future correctly. and she has all the information she needs to keep going after I’m gone.

Some of the reader questions to me seem like people that really need to just take control of life

regards,

Jason

]]> By: TK http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/archives/1936/comment-page-1#comment-45953 TK Wed, 28 Jul 2010 13:54:08 +0000 http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/?p=1936#comment-45953 I understand how B feels. I am also married and I have just recently come to term with the fact that I am addicted to gambling and shopping. I joined the voluntarily self exclusion at the casino which includes all casinos in my province and I am now seeing an addiction counsellor. I have accumulated alot of debt and you're probably wondering how my husband didn't know about the money....well he had chosen to not be involved in our finances so it was easy for me to lead the life of addiction. My husband now knows about my addictions and although he is not happy, is totally supportive. So, where do we go from here....we start at the bottom and work our way up. We have $300,000 worth of debt and now have a plan to pay it off within 10 years. B, your wife most likely has past baggage which is causing her poor judgement around money. It took me 10 years to see the light but at least now I know what I have to do to get out of this mess. I hope your wife has the courage to do the same. I wish you the very best of luck. P.S. Thank you Gail for doing what you do.....you really are making a difference in my life. I understand how B feels. I am also married and I have just recently come to term with the fact that I am addicted to gambling and shopping. I joined the voluntarily self exclusion at the casino which includes all casinos in my province and I am now seeing an addiction counsellor. I have accumulated alot of debt and you’re probably wondering how my husband didn’t know about the money….well he had chosen to not be involved in our finances so it was easy for me to lead the life of addiction. My husband now knows about my addictions and although he is not happy, is totally supportive. So, where do we go from here….we start at the bottom and work our way up. We have $300,000 worth of debt and now have a plan to pay it off within 10 years.

B, your wife most likely has past baggage which is causing her poor judgement around money. It took me 10 years to see the light but at least now I know what I have to do to get out of this mess. I hope your wife has the courage to do the same. I wish you the very best of luck.

P.S. Thank you Gail for doing what you do…..you really are making a difference in my life.

]]> By: Kat http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/archives/1936/comment-page-1#comment-45939 Kat Wed, 28 Jul 2010 13:17:26 +0000 http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/?p=1936#comment-45939 Alot of different challenges people are facing. My father had a major heart attack and the doctors told him he should get his affairs in order as they were looking at months and not years. Did he have major damage? Yup. But through the miracle of modern medication, daily exercise and a certain stubborn ness, he has managed to keep on trucking for the past 15 years. He didn't stop smoking (except for the first 3 weeks out of hospital), eats what he liked the first 10 years (last 5 have been problematic with congestive heart failure). My bf has a heart condition, and his father passed away when he was 45. My bf is 47 and thinks he will not see many more years. I feel the same anger/frustration that D feels, when he doesn't make plans for the future. It's more than avoiding financial issues (although that will certainly help). If you think you've got an expiration date, you will. If you fight to see another sunrise, enjoy a walk with your dog, blueberry pie etc you've got yourself on your side. Alot of different challenges people are facing. My father had a major heart attack and the doctors told him he should get his affairs in order as they were looking at months and not years.

Did he have major damage? Yup. But through the miracle of modern medication, daily exercise and a certain stubborn ness, he has managed to keep on trucking for the past 15 years. He didn’t stop smoking (except for the first 3 weeks out of hospital), eats what he liked the first 10 years (last 5 have been problematic with congestive heart failure).

My bf has a heart condition, and his father passed away when he was 45. My bf is 47 and thinks he will not see many more years. I feel the same anger/frustration that D feels, when he doesn’t make plans for the future. It’s more than avoiding financial issues (although that will certainly help).

If you think you’ve got an expiration date, you will. If you fight to see another sunrise, enjoy a walk with your dog, blueberry pie etc you’ve got yourself on your side.

]]> By: strawberry http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/archives/1936/comment-page-1#comment-45938 strawberry Wed, 28 Jul 2010 13:16:27 +0000 http://gailvazoxlade.com/blog/?p=1936#comment-45938 These letters broke my heart. It is a positive thing, Gail, that you are at least 'here' to guide them, if only for a moment. These letters broke my heart. It is a positive thing, Gail, that you are at least ‘here’ to guide them, if only for a moment.

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