T&T : Oh Crap! Edition
Posted by Gail | Filed under This & That
Some people lead lives of quiet desperation. Sometimes because of who they love, or the hand fate has dealt them, people come to feel there is no way out. That is a very sad place to be. And it breaks my heart when I get letters like these from people who just don’t know what to do next. Often, the worst they can imagine is only horrible in their heads. If they take steps forward, if they do the nasty stuff they dread, they can turn their lives around and make things better. At least they can assume control. Sometimes.
Sarah wrote: I am 30, with a 4-year-old daughter, and living at home with my parents. I do not receive child support from her father, and this is not likely to change (he dodges). My parents have been kind enough to allow us to live with them while I get the divorce and child custody issues settled, but this is naturally wearing our relationship thin.
I support my daughter on about $450 a month, which I receive in government tax benefits. I live a very frugal existence; I shop for used clothes for my daughter/myself and we have verylittle in the way of entertainment (we go for lots of walks).
She has just begun kindergarten, but it is part-time. My parents are eagerly and aggressively pushing me to get a job and move out, telling me that everyone has to get into debt and that I should stop being afraid of it. However, I AM afraid of debt in a massive way. I seldom charge things to my credit card because I’m terrified I won’t be able to pay it off.
I am scared that I will not be able to make it on my own – finding affordable day care for my daughter, finding a job that will allow me to work around her school schedule, and of course, having enough money to make ends meet. This is a daunting task and I am scared stiff. Oh, and of course, I have to pay a lawyer off for the divorce – to the tune of about $5,000. I don’t even have $500. Is there anything you could recommend to get me started on this journey to independence? Is there any way I can do it without living in poverty?
Sarah, I know you’re afraid. You expected life to be one way and then it turn out to be another. And now you don’t think you can trust anything to be as you expect it to be. It hurts like hell. Girl, that’s life. Things are always changing. There will always be disappointment. But there will also be glory and happiness and joy. Just look at that beautiful baby-girl and know that you need to be showing her what HER life can be like by living a strong and independent life now.
You have to stop hiding. Time to get out into the world and learn to roll with the punches. Put away the credit cards completely. You don’t have to use credit. On this point I disagree with your parents. But you do have to get a life. So now it’s time to start figuring out what you really want, and how you’re going to get it.
As long as you’re not looking for work and daycare for your daughter you can continue to be scared of it all. Get out there. Get a job. Find a daycare space for your daughter. Practice it all from the safety of your parents’ home. Give yourself a timeline for that practice — be it six months or a year — and tell them your plan so they can see you moving forward.
The first steps are the hardest. Once you get some momentum going, you’ll be fine. Now, do you have the courage to take those first steps?
B wrote: Over the past 9 years, my wife has secretly taken money from our savings, opened & abused a credit card, several lines-of-credit, and over-draft protection on our bank account. Most of the monies were to give to her sons (almost 27 & 30) for schooling and expenses. I had prevention measures in place, but the losses now total over $140,000! Recently, I discovered we owed $4000 and she had cashed-in $50,000 in RRSPs! She feels bad and promises never to do it again. We’ve paid the debts with our meagre savings, closed the line-of-credit and removed the over-draft protection. I asked TD Bank to stop enabling her “addiction.” Unsympathetic, they stated that they cannot discuss her money matters with me and even if she told them to stop giving her credit, she could have that removed. We now have something with our investment company to prevent RRSP withdrawals without alerting us other. I’ve assumed financial responsibilities and am paying bills and managing our accounts through the internet. Sadly, she previously co-signed on the youngest’s apartment lease and co-signed on HIS line-of-credit. Other than invoking Power Of Attorney for Her Property, what safe-guards can be put in place to prevent further monetary disasters? And, is there anything that can be done to discourage TD Canada Trust from enabling her?
Oh, I am so sorry that things have gotten into such a bad place for your family. You know, some people are just dopes when it comes to money. They don’t have the good sense God gave a goose. Unfortunately, you have one of those as a partner. She will continue to put herself at risk, regardless of what you do, so you must protect yourself. That means holding no assets jointly and never co-signing on credit. You can’t stop lenders from giving her rope unless you get some sort of medical diagnosis and assume financial control (through a financial power of attorney). Barring that, she can sign away her life. I wish you the best of luck. Yours is not an easy path to walk. I send you a hug, and good energy to deal with this.
MM wrote: Hi Mrs. Vaz-Oxlade! my name’s melanie and i’m 11 years old. my parents have been married for 21 years now and they’ve collected alot of debt over the years. together we’ve been trying to get rid of it but things might have a malfunction an if it does then we could have to file for bankruptcy. i watch your show alot and i was wondering how do we fit that to our situation? Thanks 
Hello there sweetheart. Aren’t you a little young to be worrying about money? I’m sorry your family is stressed out. Bankruptcy may be the best option to give you all a fresh start. While I’m all for being honest with kids, I do think your parents should deal with this and reassure you that you’ll be safe. Do they know that you are writing to me? Have you talked about how you feel with them? I think you should. I hope that you’ll learn from this too. It’s important that people realize that using credit you can’t pay off immediately is not a good thing. I wish your family the best of luck and hope that things come out well for you all.
D wrote: My husband and I are older, he had to retire due to a massive hearth attach. I am the main support for us and I want to retire at 60 in two years. He does all the finances I do not have a clue about where we stand and when I try to bring it up he gets lets say gets anxious or upset about it. I am afraid we are getting deeper and deeper in debt but he won’t say. What can I do….we have only been together for 5 years married just coming up to 3 years. We are very committed to each other but he keeps telling me if our cards are at the limit it is ok he has them in his name only and he won’t be around that much longer and the cards will be paid. I hate that; I get very upset about it. It is not so much the money but the attitude of his not living long enough and that it will be paid when he dies. Holy cow that makes me upset even now just typing it makes me upset. Please give me some advice on how to get through to him on the money thing. I am heading for the library to see about your book and hopefully he will read it with me. Thank you
Wow, D, it sounds like you are in an emotional pickle, and I’m so sorry you’re having to live through this. I have two pieces of advice for you:
1. You need to stop letting your husband be in charge of the money. If, as he says, he’s going to die, you better know about the money and how it works and stop letting him do it all. Simply saying that the debt will be gone isn’t good enough. You need to know what your life is costing you so you can be in control now and in the future. And since you’re bringing in the money, you can do this simply by taking responsibility for how that money is spent.
2. As for dealing with his sense of desperation over the debt and his health, this may be all because he refuses to face up to the mess you are in. Sitting down and getting it all on the table could be the key to turning it around. If, in fact, there’s not enough money to pay off the debt and have a life, declaring personal bankruptcy may be just the ticket, as long as you’re not signed on any of that debt.
It is important for you to not let this continue as it has. You need to know what’ going on. You need a plan. And you need to be together on this if you both hope to have the life you wanted when you got married three years ago.
July 28, 2010 at 9:16 am
These letters broke my heart. It is a positive thing, Gail, that you are at least ‘here’ to guide them, if only for a moment.
July 28, 2010 at 9:17 am
Alot of different challenges people are facing. My father had a major heart attack and the doctors told him he should get his affairs in order as they were looking at months and not years.
Did he have major damage? Yup. But through the miracle of modern medication, daily exercise and a certain stubborn ness, he has managed to keep on trucking for the past 15 years. He didn’t stop smoking (except for the first 3 weeks out of hospital), eats what he liked the first 10 years (last 5 have been problematic with congestive heart failure).
My bf has a heart condition, and his father passed away when he was 45. My bf is 47 and thinks he will not see many more years. I feel the same anger/frustration that D feels, when he doesn’t make plans for the future. It’s more than avoiding financial issues (although that will certainly help).
If you think you’ve got an expiration date, you will. If you fight to see another sunrise, enjoy a walk with your dog, blueberry pie etc you’ve got yourself on your side.
July 28, 2010 at 9:54 am
I understand how B feels. I am also married and I have just recently come to term with the fact that I am addicted to gambling and shopping. I joined the voluntarily self exclusion at the casino which includes all casinos in my province and I am now seeing an addiction counsellor. I have accumulated alot of debt and you’re probably wondering how my husband didn’t know about the money….well he had chosen to not be involved in our finances so it was easy for me to lead the life of addiction. My husband now knows about my addictions and although he is not happy, is totally supportive. So, where do we go from here….we start at the bottom and work our way up. We have $300,000 worth of debt and now have a plan to pay it off within 10 years.
B, your wife most likely has past baggage which is causing her poor judgement around money. It took me 10 years to see the light but at least now I know what I have to do to get out of this mess. I hope your wife has the courage to do the same. I wish you the very best of luck.
P.S. Thank you Gail for doing what you do…..you really are making a difference in my life.
July 28, 2010 at 10:01 am
I’ve always planned for the future. I might not live to a ripe old age, because you never know what cards you will be dealt, but if I do I’m prepared to make it financially.
I know that I’ve setup my future and my wife’s future correctly. and she has all the information she needs to keep going after I’m gone.
Some of the reader questions to me seem like people that really need to just take control of life
regards,
Jason
July 28, 2010 at 10:19 am
Hugs to the brave 11 year old.
Good for you for taking an interest. I think Gail’s advice was spot on – if your’e worried, talk to your parents, let them know you’re worried and why and find out more about the situation. Don’t let your age deter you – although I think it’s unfair that you’re involved, you will be affected by their situation so good for you for taking an interest. Consider trying to talk to a guidance counsellor or trusted teacher too. It’s a tough thing, finding out your parents aren’t perfect. I do not look forward to the day my son learns that lesson.
July 28, 2010 at 10:20 am
I just wanted to suggest to Sarah and anyone else in her situation that she investigate daycare subsidies. In Toronto, where I live, the subsidy means that daycare costs us $4/day, rather than the almost $80/day it would cost otherwise. This is a fantastic program! I’m not sure what other municipalities offer, but it is definitely worth checking out. Sarah could also check with her local YMCA, since many of them offer subsidized daycare.
July 28, 2010 at 10:54 am
I notice that, in many instances, (outside of severe mental health issues, and even then sometimes), that when people ask for advice, they really know what they have to do, but they aren’t quite ready to do it, for various reasons. They are hoping for an answer they know they will not receive. I hope that these poor souls take Gail’s advice for what it is, and are in a place to hear it and act on it. My heart does go out to all of these people, as it is very challenging to continually feel out of control.
July 28, 2010 at 11:07 am
I second Caroline’s suggestion that Sarah look into daycare subsidies. I believe all provinces have them and she would certainly be eligible on her income. Also recommend she get some help from an employment counsellor – they can offer all kinds of services from figuring out what she wants to do, how to go about a job search, writing a resume etc. Start with Service Canada.
Also some further thoughts for D – did your hubby’s heart attack happen after you married? If so, maybe he’s feeling guilty that he isn’t able to give you the life he thought he could, and holding on to the finances may be partly his way of trying to maintain some illusion of control and “taking care of you”. It also sounds like he may be depressed, very common in heart attack survivors. Finding him (and yourself) some support could make a big difference. I’d suggest talking to your family doctor about it. Also, is he getting any cardiac rehabilitation? My dad had a heart attack and got a triple bypass years ago. He was referred to the Coronary Artery Rehabilitation Group in his city (Saskatoon) and lived for over 20 more years – and it wasn’t his heart that gave out in the end! The group provided all kinds of educational and support services – both formal and informal – including an exercise program and facilities. He attended faithfully 3x a week right up until his health failed and he physically couldn’t attend anymore. Something like this could make a world of difference for your husband, which could go a long way to help cause other shifts in his thinking.
July 28, 2010 at 7:47 pm
20 years ago I was Sarah except that I had two daughters, a 3 year old and a new born. I had been living with my parents since I was 4 months pregnant with my second daughter and my parents were at their wits end because they saw no end in sight. My employment insurance was quickly running out. They gave me an ultimatum and that got my butt moving. The first thing I did was apply for subsized housing at every organization that offered it including co-ops. I did lots of research. I ended up with more than 1 offer and chose a unit close to the downtown core, near the rapid transit station and schools and parks. It was in the working class district but was still a safe neighbourhood near many parks. The complex was full of other single moms and lots of kids. Next I got over my shame and applied for welfare but I had a plan. I also applied for student loans and got accepted at school. I found a great family daycare close to home and qualified for subsidies. It was amazing how everything fell into place once I got going. We lived in subsized housing for 6 years until I finished school and started earning a living wage. We had no car, didn’t go on vacations and usually wore second hand clothes but it’s funny because when my daughters and I look back on those years spent in “poverty”, all we remember is the many friends we made, great joy and lots of laughs.
July 28, 2010 at 7:59 pm
Diana:
I loved your story! Good for you!
July 29, 2010 at 8:39 am
Miss Melanie I’m sorry you are carrying your parents burden. I hope, as Gail said, that your parents are reassuring you that you will all be fine. Remember that this is your parents job to fix this situation, it’s your job to be a kid. At 11, I may as well have been 20 with the responsibilities I had at your age. It sucked. Please remember that you are special and obviously a very smart young lady to have taken the time to write to Gail.
Take this opportunity to learn with your parents about how to budget, how to plan grocery shopping and cut costs, but remember providing and managing the money is your parents job. You can help and understand why your parents might have to cut certain luxuries like cable – but also be sure to learn ways to have fun together that doesn’t have to involve money.
Last night my son, who is almost 5 & I went for a hike along our coast here in Nova Scotia. We had great fun and it didn’t cost us a dime. I got to teach him about hiking safely, the harbour and how the ships navigate into the harbour, and about his natural environment. We also went picking wild blueberries this week. We often go for bike rides together too. We baked muffins with the blueberries that we picked. Sometimes the adults also need to be reminded what they can do for free and still have a ton of fun!
Melanie, if your parents do end up filling for bankruptcy, please know that it’s not something to be ashamed of and they will make the best decision that they can for your family. I was bankrupt as a young adult and now I have turned my finances around and am doing well.
Sarah, I wish you the best as you transition to your new life. You are stronger than you think. You have been given some wonderful advice on this thread. Another suggestion I would add is do you have a friend who is a single parent that perhaps you can share a home with?
July 29, 2010 at 10:41 am
Just over two years ago, my husband walked out on our life together and I was left with the financial mushroom cloud to live through. At first, I had panic attacks about losing my house; I tried for a few months to pay all the bills, but the fact was, I was trying to support a two-income lifestyle with my own meagre single one. So, I let the house go. Oh, it was horrific, to be sure. The pain that myself and my two beautiful young kids had to get through after we moved was tremendous. There were a lot of tears, all around.
However, we talked through it; I explained in the simplest terms why mummy couldn’t pay for the house anymore, and we talked about how lots of people move houses for lots of reasons.
These many months later, I’m still mopping up. Our lifestyle has been diminished, but not by much. My point is, one can survive disaster. Don’t obsess over the negative; look to the future and see your life for what it is–a journey.
Two years ago, I thought I had it all-I had “arrived”. Now I feel like it’s way more fun to keep travelling.
July 30, 2010 at 9:28 am
In each of these letters to Gail as I can sympathize with each person for different reasons. But I especially wanted to say to D:
D – it’s important that you explain to your husband that his reluctance to talk about things affects you and that continuing this way is unacceptable for your peace of mind. There are too many flaws for that to be a valid plan: maybe he dies, maybe you die, maybe you’ll both life for a long time in various states of health. I’ve already discussed with/yelled at my guy that him passing away is not the way I’d like to resolve our financial issues, not to mention that things won’t magically resolve themselves because he dies. Just because he isn’t here to see the mess doesn’t mean there isn’t one and it’s not fair on you or me to have to deal with it. No doubt he loves you so keep discussing it. If he really doesn’t hear you then you’ll need to take control of things and do your best to secure things for yourself.
Best of luck to each of you.
L
July 31, 2010 at 12:52 am
LOVE YOUR SHOW GAIL! I hope that someday there will be mandatory financial management classes in school, starting from grade 5 and every year thereafter, all across Canada.