What Are You Focused On?
Posted by Gail | Filed under Goals, Life Lessons
For a very long time I have known that whatever I’m focused on becomes very real for me. Years ago, when I desperately wanted to get pregnant, I couldn’t believe the number of diaper ads and other baby paraphernalia that surrounded me, almost scoffing at my inability to have a baby. Later, when I realized the negative impact the constant barrage of bad news was having on my psyche, I turned off the radio.
Working with Princesses has also shown me that people who watch and read about celebrities all the time create a new reality for themselves – a reality with standards they often cannot afford.
With our attention being pulled in a million different directions, we end up overloaded and spread too thin. Have you been feeling distracted? Does your life feel chaotic? Have you lost focus?
Once you accept that you can choose what you will put your attention – and effort – to, that you are in charge of your reality, you can change your focus to the things that you consider to be really important. Knowing what you want will go a long way to getting you there. Like they say in driving: your car goes where your eyes are. Look at a wall, the fence, the ditch and you’ll drive right into it. Look down the road to where you want to be, and that’s where you’ll go.
Ditto you life. Whatever you pay attention to becomes your reality. Focus on friends and family, what makes you happy, and the things you love to do and you’ll have a great life. Focus on what you don’t have, what you wish you could have that others seem to enjoy, or the things that suck at work and your reality will suck too.
1. Choose what you take in. I can’t watch war movies. Ever since I saw The Deerhunter and wept uncontrollably for days, I’ve avoided war movies like the plague. I don’t care how great the acting is, how wonderful the directing, war movies destroy me. Since I was raised in the Jewish faith, I also can’t deal with anything to do with the holocaust. I have residual memory, maybe. Or my empathy makes me feel the pain as very real. That’s not to say I can’t watch any sad movies. When I watch the movie Seven Pounds I cried and I was blown away. But I didn’t become despondent. I could celebrate the story, not suffer from it. So now I choose very carefully what comes into my mind so I can stay focused on being happy, which is one of my on-going goals.
2. Limit who you hang with. People can inspire you. People can pollute you. You get to choose the kind of people you hang out with. Well sometimes you get to choose. The rest of the time you have to come up with a coping mechanism for dealing with their negative energy. But just being aware that they are sapping your optimism is often enough to help you limit your exposure.
3. Choose your activities. Ever found yourself agreeing to do things and then scratched your head as the date approached? Do you end up over-committing to an abundance of activities and social encounters? Maybe you’re doing yourself in. After all, it’s pretty difficult to focus on what you really want when you allow everything else to become a distraction. Choose what you give your attention to and then give it your full attention. Multitasking is losing it’s allure as we realize that we aren’t enjoying our lives anymore, just getting lots of stuff done. Cooking a meal? Chop those peppers with your focus on the peppers. Enjoy the sound and the smell and the colour. Answering your friend’s email. Don’t also answer the phone. You’ll get distracted and lose your train of thought. More importantly, you won’t be focused on what you’ve committed to do.
Once you’ve decided to focus your attention on anything, stay focused. There will always be a cascade of information trying to get your attention. But if you know what distracts you, you can put things in place to avoid those distractions. If you do get distracted, once you catch yourself, re-focus. Breathe. Get back to what’s really important. And stay focused on a positive outcome.
July 9, 2010 at 7:28 am
For my mental health it’s one day at a time…
For my weight loss maintenance it’s one meal at a time…
For my financial safety it’s one dollar at a time…
Focus and control…it’s the only way it works for me…good post Gail!
Have a great weekend and HUP Holland HUP!!!!!!!!!!…Sunday could be the most oranje day in history…whohoo!!!!!!!!
July 9, 2010 at 7:50 am
Thanks for the post, Gail. I have been feeling a little lost lately, and the reminder to focus is definitely a good one for me now. Have a great weekend!
July 9, 2010 at 7:53 am
Great post Gail. I find consciously focusing on my goal – imagining what life would be like 6 months ‘living’ with that goal (e.g. debt-free, with my soul mate, in ‘our dream house’) helps me to invite my goal into my life. It really works!
For example – to find my soul mate I got very clear on what qualities I needed in a positive relationship. Then I wrote these down on a cue-card. For each quality I asked myself ‘when would I know when I have this in my life?’ Then I’d take a cue-card for each of these qualities – and expand it into a sentence or two (e.g. ‘humourous – I’d laugh out loud – I’d laugh until the tears came running down my cheeks). I’d read over these cue cards for a few minutes before I’d head off to sleep – and do the same upon waking. And yes – I found my soul mate about 2 weeks later…an old friend I’d known for years. We’ve been married almost 23 yrs now :^)
I do the same with other goals….writing it down, visualizing it – seeing pictures of ‘it’ (whatever ‘it’ is) helps to bring it into the material world.
July 9, 2010 at 8:45 am
Thanks for the post, Gail! I’m so glad I’m not the only one who can’t watch violent movies.
I grew up without TV or movies (except for the occasional one in school), and to this day I’m very thankful for that! I enjoy the occasional show or movie now, but I find I get too wrapped up in them. The violent ones (or the ones with implied violence, like a lot of holocaust films…you don’t necessarily see the nastiness, but it’s there, and you can’t just shrug it off, since historically, this is FACT). The images and sounds stay in my head for days, sometimes weeks.
Besides, even renting movies costs money I’d rather use to buy a magazine or something.
As for visualising things, I am a firm believer that thoughts, especially the thoughts we nurture, become action. So consciously choosing to spend time imagining how nice it would be to be debt-free, or to trade in my car, or to find a pair of shorts that fit ends up translating into choices: no I won’t buy that unneccessary doodad yes I will put the $5 I saved into the car account; no I won’t eat that bag of chips yes I will take the time to make a healthy filling meal.
July 9, 2010 at 9:08 am
I have a job that requires heavy multi-tasking, so it does kind of spill over into my personal life as well. I do need to focus on items at hand, and not go haring off into multiple directions.
At work, I also have an EXCEEDINGLY negative person who can be very draining. There is some sympathy in that he had poor health and several famly tragedies in a row, but it is difficult to be around him, and my job requires a lot of interaction. It is difficult to not allow his reactions to dictate my reactions — but I do succeed 95% of the time. Because in the end, no matter what someone says to you, does to you, comments about you — you decide how you feel about it.
And I feel good…. (channel a little James Brown…..)
TGIF!
July 9, 2010 at 9:09 am
btw — so I don’t appear too callous, the incidents were more than 5 years ago and he’s become increasingly more negative/bitter/paranoid.
July 9, 2010 at 9:36 am
Great post Gail. I really needed it today. I just recently completed my first Triathlon and since then I lost my focus on working out. I don’t have anything concrete coming up until next years race so I really slacked off. I am working on setting up a new fitness goal to get back on the wagon.
Kat… I hear you I had one of those people in my circle of aquaintences. I was always afraid to ask how she was doing because it would never be good. Even if it was there was always a but. Try and keep your head up and see if changing the subject helps.
July 9, 2010 at 9:51 am
Amen Gail! I have a bad habit of saying yes to too many things, because there’s so many interesting and fun things to do, but then I start getting cranky and stop enjoying any of them, because I’m overextended. I go through periods where I’m better at it,nd then I slide back a bit. I regularly have to remind myself to focus focus focus, and remember that I need some down time too.
July 9, 2010 at 11:03 am
My daughter is a great person to take shopping with me — she will always tells me, ” Mom, you’re getting distracted again!”, and at 8 years old! She’s right, I get distracted, not with the buying, but the idea of buying, and waste a lot of time; same with thinking of being debt-free; I dream about it and play with the numbers far too often, preventing me from focusing on the present and enjoying the now. Actions speak louder than words, or money LOL, and I think once you have a plan in motion, you need to forget about it for awhile, or you can get caught up in “obsessing”, and shift your focus to enjoying the moments as they come.
And I so agree with decreasing the amount of time spent with negative people — unfortunately, that has recently meant my husband’s mother ‘disowning’ us, because we haven’t been in contact with her enough… which is just sad, but the time spent with her is draining and damaging to our family, and obviously, she’s not willing to change…
I try to keep our activities in line with the type of person I want to be, and the values I want to instill on our children… sometimes we get caught up in “but everyone else goes does…”, but it generally helps us keep all of our actions in check. Spending also has to work with our value system, as well as whether it’s a need or a want, and sometimes wants for us, can be needs based on our values… one example is purchasing a Wii — video gaming is not something I like or value, but my youngest daughter is of a different breed than the rest of us, and we purchased it to get her moving and active on a daily basis in the winter (exercise being of value to us)… not my first choice, but other options weren’t working out without a big power struggle, and now we play as a family, and she spends up to 45 minutes a day “running” or “biking” vs. sitting all night reading or watching TV…
If you know what your values are, they help maintain your focus… it’s helped us out a lot.
July 9, 2010 at 11:23 am
I am really really working on focusing on ‘the now’. I plan ahead for budget, debt and savings. I plan ahead for the boys’ activities. As a teacher, I am planning ahead all the time.
As DS1 comes closer to 16 I realize how much of ‘the now’ I have taken for granted and wasted. I can never get those moments back. I can never fix the parenting mistakes I have made. The opportunities of the past are gone. I’m 40 and all those experiences I used to wish for myself, still haven’t happened.
I really have to find better ways of experiencing the now.
July 9, 2010 at 1:10 pm
Right now my I am trying to focus on my weight loss and getting some kind of financial footing…one day at a time.
This post was very inspirational, and has given my hope that I can acheive what I am trying to do.
Thank you for that Gail.
In repsonse to Sparky…The Netherlands all the way!!! Orange is the way to be!! WOOHOO!!
July 9, 2010 at 1:37 pm
Thanks for this post, Gail, really needed it today as I’m starting to unravel.
July 9, 2010 at 1:54 pm
Looove this post!
First of all, I love your comments about focusing on one thing at a time, using the example of cooking. Training the mind to just be present in the moment is so difficult, but is so rewarding when we manage to accomplish this, even just for minutes at a time.
Also, I have found that moving to a small town, and working in a small office, where people make less money, it is much easier to be satisfied living simply and modestly. in Toronto, my lifestyle was so different from those around me. But in Guelph, the opulence and the degree of advertising and the pressure to spend, spend, spend, just isn’t there. It has definitely shown me that the meaning of wealth and success has a lot to do with who you’re comparing yourself to!
July 9, 2010 at 2:08 pm
Great post Gail! Always right on the mark. My focus right now is being debt free, but, I stop to smell the roses along the way.
My movie fright was ‘In Cold Blood’. It was 1967 and it has scarred me for life. Ha..my Mom and I went to see it. I do not watch any scary movies.
OFF TOPIC:
Hubby and I have been discussing Gail’s post about annuities. Our RRSP’s are all GIC’s. Does anyone know if there is a penalty for taking out your GIC from the bank and getting an annuity when the GIC ‘expiry’ date for renewal comes up?
Have a wonderful picnic on Sunday everyone!
July 9, 2010 at 4:38 pm
Me again. Have been thinking while scrubbing the bathrooms. Should have prefaced the above question with: Is this a good idea? Anyone else done this?
Thinking of you Rhiannon and sending cyber hugs today too.
July 9, 2010 at 4:54 pm
I think this is really true. Whenever I start looking around my house thinking, “this needs to go, this is ugly, this needs “freshening-up”", I know I have been reading too many home decor magazine. So I stop, and then I remember, I care more about financial security than bedspreads that match curtains.
July 9, 2010 at 10:50 pm
sparky & amber; i chose the oranje the day they qualified out of the european group. i am so thrilled & excited for sunday’s game; forever oranje!!!!!!!
as always gail, a very timely post. my ex-husband some 30 years ago taught me one very wise adage: surround yourself with positive people. to this day, when someone negative crosses my path i hear his voice reminding me to stick to the optimistic outlook i choose every morning. i agree with the previous poster who said there’s someone very sad/bitter at work. i have no problem wishing that person a good morning & good evening; however, for my sanity i choose to not be drawn in by his/her unhappiness. as gail reminds us over and over, i choose. i control. these are 2 keys to my success as i move toward debt-free, and i apply them to my life in general as often as i can.
i’m not always successful, and i sometimes have to take that deep breath and count to 10. taking advice from above, i think i’ll channel a bit of james brown and remind myself “i feel good”!!!
July 9, 2010 at 11:06 pm
My focus?
Catching up on my RSP contributions. The sooner it is done, the sooner I can save up for the next car (even though I hope the current one will last a long time). There is a simple plan to achieve this goal and I know what happens afterwards and roughly when (+/- 2 months).
July 10, 2010 at 8:45 am
I had a friend a few years ago that I always had a lot of fun with…but bit by bit her true nature starting showing through as her comfort level with me increased…she was very very high needs and very angry and bitter…I had to cut off the friendship as it was just way too draining on me and my family….my husband and children are very high needs with illness and disabilities…if I take any time away from their needs it is going to be for only one thing…fun and relaxation for me…I could not give this friend what she wanted or needed so I ended it….she tried to come back into my life a few times over the years but I shut that down right at the beginning…my focus is on my family and me…I don’t need or want any other stress…our life is what it is and each day we find something good and pleasant to celebrate…and not to be taken lightly is the fact that we still have each other..staying married for 22 years through all of this is quite the feat in this day and age of disposable everything:)
ste and amber…my blood is oranje…that is why I chose them…Hup Holland Hup!!…whohoo…enjoy the game!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
July 10, 2010 at 12:53 pm
Catherine, annuities are generally for when you need the income (i.e. after you retire). You are basically buying a stream of payments.
When you convert your RRSP on retirement (or when the gov’t regulates it, I think when you are 71 now, but check on that), you pick what type of vehicle will be used to provide income to you on retirement, you can cash the whole thing out (has a big tax hit), convert it into a RRIF (has a minimum withdrawal requirement every year) or buy an annuity.
Any money take out will be considered income and taxed (theoretically at a lower rate then when you put the money in).
RRIF can be invested in the same way an RRSP can, GIC, stocks, bonds or a mix. Annuities are invested by the insurance company, you get just the regular payments.
If you transfer a RRSP or RRIF to another institution there is usually a fee charged by the institution losing the money, but talk to the one getting it, they may reimburse you the cost of the transfer. As long as you fill out the correct paperwork then there isn’t a tax hit to transfer money.
July 10, 2010 at 8:52 pm
I’m finally feeling re-focused on healthy living and I feel great! Mind you I have over spent in the last month. Maybe I’m replacing allowing myself to indulge in food with indulging in spending?
I’m off to put my credit cards in the freezer!
July 10, 2010 at 9:49 pm
Great post, Gail. Thank you for helping put things into perspective.
July 10, 2010 at 9:52 pm
Admittedly self serving, but I am so focused on July 20th and seeing Bon Jovi, I have tunnel vision happening. I am so looking forward to this show. I saved up, got good seats and am spending the night in Toronto.
After that, focus on getting my contract extended til the new year, and being closer to having my student loans paid off! WAHOO!
July 11, 2010 at 12:29 pm
@Lilly – thank you for explaining about the annuities – will check it out.
As I type this at 12:30 p.m. – I am thinking of Gail and all the others on this blog that are meeting up for a lovely picnic! Enjoy!
July 13, 2010 at 7:21 pm
I love this post!
I once started to read the book Night by Elie Wiesel. I got to about the 4th page and cried like a baby. The Holocaust is something I am very thankful that I didn’t have to endure..
Also I wanted to make a note to those who commented on those extremely negative people in their lives. Sometimes those people just need someone to help give them a boost. I went through a period of depression after a bad car accident that caused me to have to give up my dream job. It took help from someone I hardly knew to give me perspective enough to go see my doctor about it. Things are much better now, but it really took someone taking that time to empathise with me, and to offer me some solid advice.
I just wanted to put that out there. I know this doesn’t apply to every down or cranky person out there. You do need to want help. That being said, I completely agree with the fact that you should surround yourself with positive people. Being around someone who insists on being miserable and refuses help is absolutely draining.
July 14, 2010 at 3:13 pm
gail,
this is a great post. thank you. would love to see more articles about people approaching retirement.