Do You Want to Change?
Posted by Gail | Filed under Goals
One of the things people rail against when I start to talk about how important it is to do things differently is the fact that they just can’t seem to stick with the program. Despite wanting to deal differently with their money – and often their lives – some people are so stuck in the way they do things, they can’t seem to break the patterns that are hurting them. Whether they smoke, drink copious amounts of booze, or whip out their credit cards every time something takes their fancy, they believe they can’t change.
Well you can change. You just have to want to change. And then you have to implement the change slowly and sensibly. And it’s a good idea to replace bad habits with good ones since leaving a void is tantamount to guaranteeing failure. As Ben Franklin said, “Your net worth to the world is usually determined by what remains after your bad habits are subtracted from your good ones.”
Life is a series of routines we play out habitually. We get up at a certain time, shower or brush our teeth, get dressed. Some of us make our beds. Some of us have to make lunch for the kids. Some of us can’t get our eyes open without three cups of coffee.
Once upon a time I rolled out of bed and headed for the shower never looking back. When I moved to my new home and had a beautiful new bedroom all to myself, I decided to form the habit of making my bed. I’ve NEVER made my bed, but I so loved the look of my pretty room that I decided that habit was worth forming. It was almost as if this small change would mark the differentiation between my last life and this new life on which I was embarking. I’ve made my bed every morning since.
So how do you make habit your friend? How do you invite organization and purposefulness in to replace the chaos that is driving you nuts right now?
Start by writing down what it is you want to achieve. If there are things that trigger you to do The Bad Habit, try and identify those too. If after a horrible day at work you just HAVE to have a glass or three of wine, that might be your “trigger.” If you have a glass or three every evening – and always seem to have a trigger, you may simply be looking for an excuse to continue The Bad Habit. Tell yourself the truth. You can’t change as long as you continue to delude yourself.
Having figured out what you want to change, it’s time to find a replacement Good Habit as a substitute so you’re not trying to replace The Bad Habit with Nothing. Instead of that glass of wine, for example, you could go for a 10-minute walk, breathing deeply, and observing the beauty of life around you.
Don’t try to change too many things at once. Changing will be tough enough without piling a whole bunch of changes into the mix at the same time. Pick one thing and focus on that until you’ve got it down pat. You want to be successful so give yourself some time and keep it simple.
And start small. If the first habit you choose to change is a whopper, you won’t have had a series of small successes that you can use to prove to yourself that it can be done. Instead you’ll have a colossal screw-up that proves that you just can’t change.
Motivation is probably the biggest key to making A Good Habit stick. You have to be crystal clear on why you’re taking on A Good Habit. So if you’re planning to track your spending and that means writing down everything you spend every day, you need to be clear on why YOU are doing this. It can’t be because I said to do it. Or because your sister does it and it seems to work for her. It has to be because each time you do it, you get a surge of satisfaction, a sense of accomplishment, or a thrill from being in control of your money.
Once upon a time I was a two-pack a day girl and I didn’t smoke wussy cigs either. When I got pregnant with each of my kids I quit smoking immediately — morning sickness did it, not me – and I stayed off the evil weed while I breast fed. But each time I finished breast feeding I took up smoking again. Then, when Alex was about three and a half, she turned to me and said, “Mommy, you’re going to die and Malcolm and I won’t have a mommy anymore.” I never smoked again. I’d found my motivation.
Sometimes it helps to have some people on your team. When I wanted to quit biting my nails as a teenager, I enlisted the help of the kids who sat around me at school. I gave them permission to whack me if they saw my hands near my mouth. They did. I stopped. Maybe you need a mate to whack you, or encourage you, or talk with you, or work with you, as you establish your new habit.
Keep an ear on your self-talk – y’know that hiss in your brain that says things like, “I can’t do this,” or “This is too hard” or “What’s the point?” If you can turn your self-talk around, if you can move it from diminishing your efforts to supporting your efforts, you’re much more likely to succeed. Stay positive about what you’re doing. If you fall off the rails say, “Okay, I fell off the rails and now I’m getting back on again.” Shut down the negative talk when it starts.
I know you can do it if you want to. I know you have the strength, the tenacity, the gumption to change. When you feel the urge to fall back, acknowledge that you’ve been tempted, but know that you are strong enough – that the urge is temporary and will go away. And make sure you have a strategy for coping: breathing, a two-minute meditation, drinking a glass of water, dropping and doing 5 push-ups – whatever it takes to work through the urge.
And reward yourself regularly. It doesn’t have to be huge or expensive… just a wee treat that shows you how much you appreciate your effort. Works for dogs. It’ll work for you too.
June 28, 2010 at 6:57 am
I didn’t get serious about my financial future until I wanted to change. it took hitting rock bottom with a ton of debt over me before I realized that I had to change the way I’m handling my finances. I’ve let the good habit of tracking all my spending start to slip now that we are debt free. I have to get back to working on the budget once a week.
regards,
Jason
June 28, 2010 at 7:30 am
Great post! Very timely as I’m in a process of change myself. It’s the self-talk that is the greatest challenge… that and taking it one step at a time so that I don’t try to change too many things at once. I’m going to keep this post handy to re-read as a motivator!
June 28, 2010 at 7:42 am
I remember reading somewhere about Benjamin Franklin – how he’d choose a specific trait he’d like to embody. Then he’d write it out – post it predominantly somewhere and ‘act like’ he had this trait in him. He’d keep this up for 21 days (apparently the amount of repeated time it takes to make something routine), then he’d choose a new trait. He noticed that after doing this for the 3 weeks the chosen trait became a part of him – a new habit. This can be also applied to living within your means.
June 28, 2010 at 7:54 am
This is very timely for me as well.
As for finances, I think I’m doing pretty well at not going into debt other than my mortgage. I’m trying very hard to look at the big picture and not whip out the credit card or run up the LOC. We have been building a cottage for a few years now. We can use it, but it’s rough right now. I keep reminding myself that once DH is finished school and back to work, we should be able to finish the cottage to what we want it to be. One day at a time. We likely will borrow to finish it, but we are fine with that, as long as we can afford the payments. Right now we own it free and clear. That feels good. I know it takes time to do these things, but I want to be able to enjoy the property. Right now, I don’t so much.
As for changing, I have accepted that if I am going to get healthier and leaner, I have to make positive changes. I have to change how I look at food and leisure time. Exercise has to be a BIG priority and counting calories is a must for me. I know this. I’ve done it before. I have the know-how. I have to have the want-to.
I know I can do this. I want to be leaner, healthier, fitter – not thin – but fit.
I’m tired of weight being my burden. I can take control of everything else in my life, now I’m taking control of my physical self. I have to learn to make me a priority.
Change is a comin’!! ~ And it feels good! : )
June 28, 2010 at 8:47 am
I like the expression “If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.” It helps remind myself that (a) change is good and (b) change is not always difficult, as it may make other things in life easier.
but that said, I’m not a bed maker. So my wife is on her own with getting our son to make the bed unfortunately.
June 28, 2010 at 9:49 am
Well, after splurging on a couple of new outfits, getting home and looking at the bill again, I brought it all back and decided a new $5.99 bottle of nail polish would work as a pick-me-up/reward for having paid off another $1000 in debt during a very tight month to begin with. July holds 3 pay periods, so I figure if I can get to the end of July with some money leftover, part can go for an extra debt repayment and part can go towards a new blouse and/or skirt. No need to get a whole new wardrobe.
Slowly but surely my habits are changing from negative to positive. Thanks for the re-motivation!
June 28, 2010 at 10:10 am
I think it is interesting the play of “mental” heath vs. physical and finanicial wealth. Suze Orman had her program on how those interplayed on Sat — and a woman was on who lost 72 lbs, but gained it all back, and was working on her debt, but was concerned about getting it all back. And when her financial plan was examined, she hadn’t been too realistic, she had put her family on a strict financial diet essentially that didn’t really have a hope of lasting long term.
I know that Gail has mentioned similar things as well.
I think until I change my mental health for the better, grow up a little and stop being a 5 year old saying “I want”, then I will fall into the same traps as before. This actually pertains more to weight than financial frankly….but I need to change. Just don’t want to.
June 28, 2010 at 10:25 am
Kat, I saw Suze’s program the other night as well. Stress can trigger a lot of things. I know when I’m under the gun I’m more careless about whether I’m shopping where I can get the best price v. where it’s most convenient. I like the concept that Jane Bryant Quinn puts forth in “Making the Most of Your Money,” which is to create a spending plan and not a budget because the “plan” gives you more flexibility. Like the price of gas, which fluctuates here in the States seemingly by the minute!
I am just coming out of one of those stressful periods, and need to sit down and get myself back into better habits.
June 28, 2010 at 11:44 am
I have lots of time right now to sit and reflect, since it is two weeks today that I broke my ankle and earned myself a summer holiday. Trying to get EI started, when I am going to be paid two days vacation on what would be my normal pay date this Friday, is a slow process. My part time ROE has not arrived either, since I got paid last week for earnings prior to the accident. I will be lucky to get enough money to pay August rent, and since I was just in the process of starting to save for an emergency fund, my $50/100 isn’t going to cut it! Starting small, when life sneaks up and knocks you down, just doesn’t seem effective, but I am trying not to get depressed – yet! This will be a good time to play with different budgets/scenarios to see where things can get cut from an already bare-bones life. Note of interest on bed making – do it after your morning shower so the sheets have time to cool. Apparently, bed bugs like the warmth/moisture left behind when we have been sleeping. Making the bed immediately traps that canopy for them to multiply! Gross, I know, but true. So, anyone know any ‘couch potato’ exercises, while sporting a leg cast?
June 28, 2010 at 12:09 pm
suzanne, i have just (5 weeks ago) had a total knee replacement. hooray! i haven’t missed a single world cup match (footie nut here!) and that leads me to exercise. i watch the 1st half, then do some of my assigned stretches from physical therapy at half time. after the 1st game, i take my 1st walk of the day. it’s a reward/work system that i’ve found to be very effective. you can certainly do some upper body work, lifting weights (or cans of whatever is in your pantry) while on that sofa. and take heart; if you are currently casted or in a boot, you WILL be able to begin walking soon. and you can lie on the floor and do simple ab exercises too. at least you’ll feel like you’re doing something.
when i realized that my disability would pay approx 62% of my income and i wasn’t sure what my employer was going to do (it’s a long story; suffice it to say my disability dep’t was worthless and uninformed but man! did i learn a lot!) i sat down with gail’s interactive budget and plugged in the 62% number. i figured out the absolute necessities, how i would manage what was left over, and found that i, in fact, could make it month-to-month on that miniscule amount. it wouldn’t have been easy, but i could have. fortunately my employer came through and i didn’t have to; however, it was a great lesson in looking at my budget again and seeing that i CAN face up to my financial situation. that, in and of itself, is a huge step for me. not 2 months ago i still was afraid to do so. i’m not saying i’m proud of my situation, but i am quite pleased that i was able to re-do a budget, knowing what my exact situation could have been. little steps which mean a lot, to me.
congrats german supporters. awesome display of footie prowess. and always forward oranje!!!!
June 28, 2010 at 12:11 pm
Excellent post!
I think replacement activities are huge. I cut way down on my eating out costs when I rediscovered my love of cooking at home.
One thing that I did find that I did / do was shop for groceries when I felt the urge come on me to go shopping for other things (that I didn’t need). Now, being out of debt for many years, I can hear or read about other people shopping for emotional reasons and I just don’t get it as a concept anymore.
But I think I still have that 5 year old in me too when it comes to eating too much or not the right food.
June 28, 2010 at 12:16 pm
@ Ste – Deutchsland did not fail to impress, but Nederlands did very well today. Robben being back is huge! Pity the Germans will have to destroy a team as a talented as Argentina next week, but c’est la vie.
June 28, 2010 at 12:53 pm
thanks ste, I have learned a lot in the process too. Like how hard it is to get the paperwork started for my disability insurance on my truck loan!! Or that my government disability insurance is only good if you are off for 6 months! Nothing in between but EI which only covers 55% of my income! What I did find was that by phoning all my utility companies and being honest with them up front, I was able to get some leeway, AND, the cable guy offered me free movies for a month!! Not worth a crap, cuz never heard of any of them, but it’s the thought that counts. Top that off with Student Loans’ recent request for an updated budget from me (in order to see if they could raise my payments), and them telling me to wait to get my EI, and base my budget on that!! Obviously, there won’t be much left for them using 55% of my income. Since I also jammed my knee joint (and have had 8 operations on this knee already), I am thinking that since they pulled two huge syringes of blood out of the joint after the accident – more surgery coming for me as well – but the wait for the MRI is at least 2 months. EI for me will be maximum 15 weeks, 8 of which are already spoken for with the broken ankle. What will cover the surgery time? In hindsight, I sure wish I had checked into a short term disability insurance…..
June 28, 2010 at 2:18 pm
I have a real problem with change — or so everyone I work with tells me!
I’ve been debating about a switch in locations for work — I am getting burned out where I am, but, on the other hand, really don’t want a longer commute either…
I decided something today that I’m sure that other people would flinch over — my habit that I’m breaking is going out shopping and NOT buying anything for myself — I am always so conscious of buying necessities, and the occasional indulgence for the kids, that I’m tired of feeling undeserving. My husband doesn’t give a 2nd thought to many of the things he buys, and I work in an upper class neighbourhood, so I decided today “To heck with it” and went to Liz Clairborne, which is closing, and bought myself 3 tops and a pair of pants, and tomorrow I’m getting my hair done. (Total cost of clothing was $80, twice the amount of what I usually allow myself, seldom ever spending more than $10 on an article of clothing).
None of it was on credit card, and I have been feeling very down; yes, I’m justifying… still feel very guilty about it… but I’m going to run that guilt off on my treadmill, and then relax with a book, and maybe play my flute for a bit, because I have been depriving myself way too much, and THAT habit has got to stop!
June 28, 2010 at 4:52 pm
@Cas Don’t feel too guilty about bargain shopping for something for yourself… as long as it doesn’t derail your plan. I understand how hard it can be when your partner isn’t as “on board” as you when it comes to restricted spending. Keep your chin up and feel fabulous in your new clothes.
June 28, 2010 at 6:45 pm
Suzanne, that really sucks. We’ll say a little prayer to help you out. Despite only having bad news, the tone of your post makes you sound like you are a strong person, maybe you just don’t know it yet.
June 28, 2010 at 6:46 pm
Suzanne, would you be able to take in a summer student to help make ends meet?
June 28, 2010 at 8:33 pm
Suzanne, you should also check with your bank to see what kind of help they can provide…i.e. no service fees for 90 days…payment extensions etc…I work for TD and we have a program in place to assist with things like this…don’t know if all banks do or not…but it’s worth a shot…
June 28, 2010 at 8:49 pm
@Suzanne: I know EI can be a pain to get rolling. Been there, done that. Even had to fight to access EI when a former boss tried to fire me for needing 2 hrs off to go to a medical appointment. Go figure EI believed her lame story, but I prevailed. Anyways, if you have internet access, logon to your epass account, your employer may have submitted your ROE electronically. They are pushing to electronic submission. Faster. If it hasn’t been submitted and it is more than 7 calendar days, call EI, they are suppose to contact your employer on your behalf.
June 28, 2010 at 9:34 pm
I relearned the joy of cooking, and making meatless meals at least two times a week. Helps keep the food bill under control, and has helped me lose a lot of weight. I have my high blood pressure under control because I have really reduced my sodium intake – you’d be amazed at how much sodium there is in restaurant food – sometimes in one dish twice the daily sodium allowance. Also processed foods. So most of my cooking is now from scratch. And the added bonus is I usually have leftovers for lunch so I am able to limit lunches out to once a week at the most.
June 29, 2010 at 2:46 am
Thanks all you posters! I appreciate your concerns and suggestions. I bank thru PC Financial, so no charges anyway. Got one ROE in the mail today, but it doesn’t match my most recent paystub as far as hours and earnings go, so brought that to the office’s attention. The Full time ROE will be submitted by week’s end, after I get paid out for the piddly hours of sick time I have left after breaking my rib!! Which should just delay EI that much longer, but at least they are doing it electronically. My end of it is done, and according to their letter, a deposit should be made two days later, once all paperwork is processed. I have a spare bedroom with ensuite bathroom which I have rented out twice for a month at a time recently, so going to do that again. It is relatively painless, I have been lucky with good boarders. I also didn’t break my sewing foot, so a bit of income can still be earned (as usual!) with my sewing machine. What I am trying to NOT let discourage me is the missed earnings that I was so looking forward to: July’s three paycheques, for starters. I was so ready to get the ball rolling with a ‘windfall’ to my EF and budget backup. I really want to get one month ahead of everything just for a cushion, but fate keeps getting in the way. I am definitely going to use this time to clean out my pantry and fridge, and develop a proper meal plan. At least I have been stockpiling enough to last a while, and other than fresh, should be able to go a while without buying anything major. My other concern is that I just bought a new to me truck at the end of April. I bought Disability Insurance, which is retroactive after 30 days, I get reimbursed for payments made and they keep the payments made while I am off work. The problem has been getting the paperwork rolling, and getting concise instructions. There are FOUR sets of papers for various individuals to fill out: Employer, Doctor, Finance company and myself. When I asked if the Emergency Room Doctor, or the Ortho. surgeon I saw two days later should fill out the medical part, no one knew!! I don’t have as much confidence in this insurance as the guy who sold it to me, so keeping my fingers crossed. Not doing a very good job of staying off my foot for four weeks with all the running around getting papers filled out and filed. Another good example of being organized, prepared and proactive. Do you know where all your insurance/personal information paperwork is?
June 29, 2010 at 7:16 am
@Suzanne…either one of the doctors that looked after you with your injury should be able to fill out the paperwork for your credit protection…it is a bit of a process but they do pay retroactive (minus the first 30 days you are responsible for of course)
July 3, 2010 at 10:03 am
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