Comments on: Talking Money with Your Honey

By: Tommie Rogers

Tommie Rogers — Fri, 21 May 2010 04:36:12 +0000

I stumbled upon this site on Google and just wanted to take some time to say thanks for the good dating advice you have posted on this blog.

By: Canadian Personal Finance Blog » Blog Archive » Random Thoughts:Spring has Sprung?

Fri, 12 Mar 2010 06:10:34 +0000

[...] you like to Talk Money with Your Honey? Evidently some folks don’t and this worries Gail Vaz-Oxlade a great deal (and I agree, money [...]

By: Sarah

Sarah — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 04:26:43 +0000

Advice

By: Sarah

Sarah — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 04:25:47 +0000

@joanne
Thanks for the advise. I don’t think he is hiding a very large debt from me I think that he is just embarrassed that he has debt when I never did. I will find out about his money situation soon; before we get married for sure. I just want him to be comfortable so we can have an open non-confrontational talk. No one wants to fight about money.

By: larissa

larissa — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 04:02:25 +0000

Interesting blog. My hubbby I and were very open while dating. I even prepared his taxes for him! It’s funny though that neither of us were very smart with money so we’ve just recently started the lengthy journey (for us) of becoming DFF.
So tonight I discover a leak in the laundry room. Argh! A test…it’s only a test. Thankfully it won’t be too expensive to fix short term but it solidifies the decision to re-do the 30 year old siding on the house within the year. So the test is…debt or save for it. Well, we need every regular penny for DFF plan so it looks like overtime! We will overcome.

Thanks for listening.

By: Connie

Connie — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 02:25:43 +0000

At one point, when both of us were working, my hubby agreed to a system of proportionate pay. As in he made 30% of the household income, I made the rest. We then choose which of the bills and commitments came closest to equalling his percentage and he was responsible for them. I love on-line banking, he’s computer-phobic. So there is always a hardcopy of bills and the printout of payment when I do my bills. He took his to the bank or directly to the utilities. We even had a $5 can. As in, each week, we knew we spent minimum of $5 on things that didn’t matter. (donuts we don’t need, coworker’s kids raffle tickets etc) Instead, we had to put that into the can. And we’d write up slips – wish lists of sorts – of how we’d like to use the collection of money. It worked well for us.

Fast forward a few years, undiagnosed health issues have kept him from employment and disability income (try to get coverage for something the doctors haven’t and don’t want to rush with diagnosis) His income is from inherited farm land and rentals. Great . . . but now his income comes in huge lump sums and he has no concept of how to dole it out to himself and treat it as an income. It wasn’t unusual to receive nearly 6000 one month and be broke within 3 months. Hard to be to hold a grudge since the majority of his spending benefits us both. But darn it . . . I would have rather he take the money and put against our HELC before replacing stuff that is still okay – just not that fancy.

So now I have to start all over. He gets very defensive and shuts down so I back off . . . for a while. Now I’m getting back to him. Since I look after ALL the housing/utility/life insurance/etc, he really has only a few bills and fill his own gas tank. I’ve been writing out and tracking exactly what I have to pay each month. I think his eyes are being pried open now. How exhausting. Now the big wait is on the release of finances he’s inheriting. And the talk of how to handle it goes on.

Thankfully, I’ve kept my chequing acct separate and the joint account is used more for a transfer of funds. My parents would speak fairly open about finances. They have always has separate accounts, investments etc and each have their own regular bills to pay – Dad does utilities, Mom does groceries etc. It was when Dad had a stroke that Mom commented that I know more about daily bills than she did. All may be fine for Dad now, but I think Mom’s getting more involved as to how things happen.

If only relations and emotions weren’t so closely tied into our financial decisions . . . .

By: MP

MP — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 01:41:25 +0000

Jenn – thank you so much for the “bread truck” lesson. I realized as I read it only I have everything in my head about paying the household bills. So I wrote up an “if I were hit by a bus tomorrow” sheet for my partner with all the online banking passwords, the password for the financial software and what bills were on automatic debit from the accounts, what were the automatic transfers to savings accounts and their uses (household planned spending like property taxes and home repairs, etc) and what bills have to be paid electronically. He and I will sit down together and I’ll show him how to use the financial software that manages all our accounts and how to pay the bills using it.

By: moneymagnet

moneymagnet — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 01:34:15 +0000

@ SimpleSavings,

So sorry to hear about your dad’s condition. Honestly, you should probably consult a lawyer – your father’s medical condition (and mental capacity) is definitely suspect. If he is still legally of sound mind, a power of attorney needs to be executed in favour of someone you trust (your mom, you, another sibling, family member, trusted friend or any combination thereof). While you or your mom may not be able to convince him to hand over the reigns, an impartial third party (lawyer, doctor) may be able to explain and recommend a plan of action which wouldn’t offend his sensibilities. It would be a shame to see him do something foolish and drain the bank account(s). Best of luck.

By: joanne

joanne — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 23:30:14 +0000

Sarah; right now – I’l say it again – right now is the time to find out that information not 18 months from now when you are married. You need to have full disclosure before you make that final step of marriage and decide that you want to take on what it is that he is hiding from you.

By: Amber

Amber — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 22:34:31 +0000

My husband and I have always talked about money, even when we were dating as teenagers. I think it has saved us a LOT of grief. Balancing the books isn’t a super-fun way to spend a Saturday night, but in the long run it’s the best thing we could be doing.

By: Sarah

Sarah — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 22:15:17 +0000

I am dealing with this right now. I have been dating my bf for 5 years now and I have NO idea how he spends his money and what his account balances are. We currently do not live together but we will be within the next year and half after we get married. The funny thing is I know how much he makes, but no idea what the debt amount is. He did say that he is planning on telling me what the balance was once it has been paid off and that should be soon. But it still concerns me that he won’t tell me. I feel like it’s a trust issue. We have had other money talks before ie how to manage our combined incomes, what we think is reasonable to spend on a house and the fact that when we get married we will be consumer debt free (I am currently). So I know he will participate in money talks, but the lack of knowledge regarding the debt drives me nuts.

By: Geoff

Geoff — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 22:00:51 +0000

@ Rosemary – I feel for you. I can speak for men and say that as a gender, we are extremely stupid in some regards. Perhaps he doesn’t understand that bad finances = end of relationship. Say it like that (again, see my first point). He might straighten up. If not, then you understand your position in his life and can make a clear decision. Good luck.

By: *pol

*pol — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 21:34:04 +0000

@Maureen — interesting tactic, however I’m not sure he’d go for it because he never looks at the balances either (BAD BOY).

By: Maureen

Maureen — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 20:08:16 +0000

Just a suggestion pol: My Hubster was the worst for not wanting to know – which suited me just fine in the bad old days. When we changed and I wanted him to participate it was a struggle – had to tie him to a chair once a month. Just after we cleared our debts he tried the same soft soap to avoid involvement and the hassle – you’re doing such a good job! True, and a nice compliment but this also left me wide open – any mistakes were going to be my fault. So I scared him. He works right next to the bank so actually does most of the withdrawals. I knew he was looking at the balances because he was once very surprised at how much we had in the chequing account – thought we could blow the lot not remebering that now that we were reformed the money was there waiting to pay some big bills. So I moved a lot of the chequing account money into our joint savings. When he noticed that it was gone I pretended not to know anything (holy caca we’ve been robbed!!) I suggested that he look through our bills and budget sheet to find out if I had made an overpayment. He quite quickly found the “theft” (oh sorry, I forgot I transferred that) and actually did find a mistake (bummer). Now he annoys me by checking my figures but at least he keeps his eye on ball and I don’t have to keep all the balls in the air by myself.

By: Amanda

Amanda — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 19:27:46 +0000

This was years ago, but it still applies:

My great-grandmother lived back in the days when women didn’t work. This was never a big deal, because her husband did and they always did well. Until he had a stroke. He was in a coma, but not dead. So every last penny she had in the world was in his name. And he couldn’t sign for it. Result: my grandfather had to give her a weekly allowance until he died and the estate could be settled.

Moral: even if you trust your partner’s decisions, you still need to know EVERYTHING that goes on, because they could die tomorrow and you’ll be up shit creek!