Talking Money with Your Honey
Posted by Gail | Filed under Money Management, Relationships
I’m still amazed at the number of women I meet who say things like, “I just don’t understand anything about money,” or “I let my husband do all the money stuff.” And then there are the men who claim, “She’s much better at it than I am, so I let her handle the money,” or “I’m too busy and she’s got the time.” Inevitably, these people aren’t talking to their partners about their money. And one or both are in for a shock some where down the road.
Traditionally women have relied heavily on the men in their lives to provide the family’s financial security. And, for a lot of women, that attitude persists even when we know that about one-third of women make more than their mates, and a crap-load are the only breadwinners in their families. Age seems to make no difference. While you might think that younger people are getting it together you’d be wrong. Among my Princesses, for example, there’s a strong belief that you spell “financial plan” M-A-N.
So what’s the problem? Why are we still prepared to hand over control to someone else? And if were prepared to get naked with another body, why are we so hesitant to talk bout money with them?
I’ve gotten more than a few letters from people who are carrying massive amounts of debt that their partners know nothing about. And then there are the better halves who open up their buddies’ bills to find a whopping amount of used-up credit. “He had no business opening my mail,” one woman told me outranged at her husband’s rudeness in prying into her financial affairs and uncovering her debt.
“I had every right,” he responded. “I’d already baled her out twice before by consolidating her debt to the mortgage. She swore she wouldn’t do it again. I didn’t believe her.”
Ouch! So how do people end up together with markedly different attitudes and approaches to money?
Sometimes it happens because people get married without knowing squat about their partners’ financial lives. Sometimes they may not realize that their partners were maintaining their lifestyles on credit. Sometimes they didn’t understand that all that flash had no substance behind it. (It’s like they say in Texas, “Big hat, no cattle.”) Always it happens because they didn’t talk about money.
While some people may say it’s fine for one person to handle all the money as long as the other persons “knows what’s going on”, I disagree. More than once I’ve worked with people who have handed over control to a financial moron. Letting your shop-a-holic partner or gambling mate assume control of your family’s financial future is tantamount to putting the fox in charge of the hen-house.
Even if you’re married to a financial paragon of virtue, if you don’t have your hands in the money management at least part of the time, you just aren’t as aware of the issues. Sure, your partner has said you’re a little tight this month, but until you sit and try and figure out which bills must be paid and which pleasures must be foregone, it’s all just “air” to you.
The only way for a partnership to work is for communication to be at the centre. And if you’re partnering on money, you need to talk about it. Before you hooked up you would figure out if you were physically compatible, right? You might also talk about how spiritually compatible you are. So why not talk about your financial compatibility?
March 11, 2010 at 8:29 am
my wife and I always discuss our family budget. It seems that it’s our favourite topic. When we first got married I did all the work, and that didn’t make my wife happy. We are much happier now that we talk about the budget.
Regards,
Jason
March 11, 2010 at 8:48 am
Since my DH was laid-off work, and I returned to full-time from part-time, we discuss money more. We are more united when it comes to the money than we were before. When DH was working he handled certain bills and I handled the others. While we still have seperate bank accounts, but now we see it as more of a united pot and we draw from each account as needed.
I am an example that you cannot rely on your spouse’s income to get you by. I never did count on his income to support me, however he’s lost a very good paying job and now has to re-train for a completely different field. Presently, I am the primary breadwinner. I can’t stress enough how important it is to look after ourselves as well as each other. Be knowledgable about your money, your pension plan, your savings, credit, investments. No one will care more about you than YOU – even your spouse. God forbid something happens to your loved one, you will be far better off to handle it if your ducks are all in a row.
March 11, 2010 at 8:51 am
We talk about the money almost daily, but I must admit that I get more satisfaction from moving the money around than my hubby does, so I tend to do the on-line transactions. I’m not sure though, if he’d know exactly how I organize the bill payments vs the jar money vs the savings if he were to do it independently one month. However, I’m certain that he’d be able to figure out his own system, which might not be exactly the same as mine but would result in similar savings.
March 11, 2010 at 9:07 am
I’m similar to Mrs. T. I handle all the transactions, but I’m always talking to DH about where it’s going. He trusts me and sometimes says “just do it-I know you’ll do a good job” but I insist, so he knows what’s going on, should happen to me. He’s watched lots of TDDUP with me and this is a great way to get him talking too.
We weren’t always this good, though. I can confidently say that the more we talk about money, the better the money situation is. When things were bad, we didn’t talk at all. I’d say to those who are avoiding the difficult conversation, it might not be pretty at first, but it’s SO worth working through together. You learn a lot about each other, how to manage disagreement, and discuss your future goals. Money discussions are a great proxy through which to develop a relationship, in my opinion.
March 11, 2010 at 9:13 am
Seeing as I’m a single mom, I don’t have anyone to rely on or talk to about the money. My BF and I do discuss budgets and debt but seeing as we are still two separate households we don’t go into the finer details. If we do join together – which I really hope we do – then I intend to go into it with my eyes completely open., and I will never give up total control of my money ever again!
I did have a starting conversation with my 8yo daughter. She was severely impressed with my before-taxes monthly pay, but once I started showing her how much tax, pension, mortgage, car loan and utilities were, she sorta understood why I can’t buy her something every time we go to the store, or why we only go to McD’s as a treat. She’s starting to get it, but the ‘I wants’ haven’t gone away completely lol
March 11, 2010 at 9:32 am
My guy really doesn’t want to be involved, I have to force it. We both get paid on the same day every two weeks. So, now I just leave a print out of everything that was paid that day for him to look at and I have a ledger book where I keep a running total of everything in our high interest account (a summary of what is emergency and different planned spending) and a running total of all debt. Once every few months I talk to him about the budget and get input on his priorities. It’s not perfect, but at least he is informed. I was worried what he would do if something happened to me, so I also created a guide to everything from insurance to account passwords and put it in our safety deposit box. As well, both of us have a separate accounts where our spending money goes to draw on as we like. It’s certainly not perfect and it would be better if he was hands on, but he contributes massively in other areas, so what do you do? It works for us.
March 11, 2010 at 9:37 am
Years ago a manager my husband had insisted everyone in their group have what he called a “Bread Truck Document”. Suppose on the way to work today you were hit by a bread truck. Would someone else be able to pick up your work and carry on?
Within the Excel file I use to track our spending, net worth, investment accounts etc, is also one tab labelled Bread Truck. It’s a full step by step set of instructions on how to do the daily updates to the spreadsheet, including links to bank, visa, and investment accounts. There is also a complete description on how to do the annual process of setting up the next year’s budget/spending plan.
Normally I do the day to day transaction updates (because I’m truly disturbed and really like that sort of thing) and we have weekly conversations about what to do with that week’s “extra” cash not needed for the basic bills. Do we send it to the RRSPs, and extra mortgage payment, or is there a one time expense planned for that week which will consume some or all of it (sports fee, kids BD party, new tires etc)? This system seems to work well for us. Since all our finances are combined, having two people tinkering with it on a daily basis might just cause a mess. The big picture decisions are made together when we set up the annual spending plan and discussed weekly as the year unfolds.
I can see how an arrangement where one person is completely in the dark could be a recipe for disaster. Even nobody is intentionally hiding information or being misleading, it’s just sensible to have a second set of eyes on the overall situation. Problems or opportunities one person misses may be caught by the other.
March 11, 2010 at 9:52 am
Generally speaking, my wife runs the household expenses and I run the investments | mortgage | bill paying side of things. We have a single joint chequing and credit card account, so that makes things so much easier to manage. One thing I do is provide a net worth statement every six months or so, including account #s, so that she knows what are investments and mortgage balances are. And she does the grocery buying, clothes buying, baby stuff buying from what remains. Our primary other advantage is that we don’t carry any consumer debt so don’t have to worry about that.
March 11, 2010 at 10:12 am
I held a seminar the other night on “Learning How to Budget” and Gail’s article is ever so fitting when it comes to talking about money. The majority of women do leave it up to the “man” to handle the finances which I disagree with 100%. Money is a sensitive topic and needs to be discussed I believe prior to getting hitched. If the conversation wasn’t done prior to getting hitched it should be done after the fact, but it is definitely a two person approach.
If you can’t talk to your spouse about money, there are other underlying issues happening in the relationship that need to be addressed before you end up down splitsville avenue.
March 11, 2010 at 10:48 am
My husband prefers to sit in the dark. It is work to get him to discuss finances. I do all the paying of the bills.
We have gotten ourselves in a pretty good position and have not had a -negative bank balance in almost a year. That is with the exception of about a month ago. We had a lot of payments come out of the account and then we spend a lot, it was the first time that I said to my husband in a long time “I am not sure if there is mch money in the bank” His reply “What did YOU spend it all on”
I was so hurt, upset and yes very angry. No worries about money for a year and this is the comment I get. We had a long talk and a bit of an argument about the fact that he can’t go merrily on his way when it comes to the finances then be angry when things don’t flow like he wants. I think he saw my point but I am not sure he will change with regards to wanting to know about our finances. I don’t know if you can make another person change.
March 11, 2010 at 10:56 am
One other reason why it’s important to share financial information is that the event of the death of the ‘money person’ that way the ‘non-money’ person has a clue about the investment details.
March 11, 2010 at 11:03 am
@SimpleSavings: I think you’ve got it right by teaching your daughter. I think if one grows up in a household where kids know nothing of the family finances they are content in their adult life to leave it to someone else to deal with. Learning about financial management- when you’re an adult, and perhaps a parent and working and everything else that comes with life – isn’t that appealing.
My sister is in the middle of a divorce. She’s been an equal income earner to her husband and they have two kids. My parents never ever discussed money with us. And thus my sister always let her husband handle everything. Now she’s forced to learn it all in a hurry. She’s got me to help her, but I’m worried. After her divorce is finalized, if she doesn’t start teaching my neice and nephew about money – I will.
March 11, 2010 at 11:16 am
Angela- I had a husband like that too. To add to it he was dealing with depression so I didn’t want to add to his burden. We were both pulling in very good incomes, so I would enable his spending habits if he thought a purchase would make him happy. The hole just kept getting bigger with the LOC. Of course buying his way out of depression wasn’t the answer, and he did blame me for our LOC balance when we finally split. I would let him know where we were at every few months, but he really didn’t “get” it. All he saw was how much money we brought home every pay, he didn’t understand that he spent all of it and more on booze, cigarettes, tools, and just stuff. Now that he is on his own I assume that he is understanding it a bit better, although now he just uses me as his overdraft, late with child support payments, oops, dryer broke, just don’t pay child support. Frustrating, I guess I should have seen the signs, but we were making so much money, how could we possibly spend it all?
March 11, 2010 at 11:21 am
I live with a partner who isn’t interested in understanding a budget, collective expenses, credit ratings or debt. If it doesn’t come out of his account automatically he forgets about everything. If he adds up all the stuff he has to pay and sees there’s a huge amount left it somehow pours through his hands, so when it comes time to do the grocery shopping or get the car repaired he’s turning to me or to the credit cards to bail him out.
Though, I can’t complain too much – his credit card is just a Mastercard Masked Debit card. In that everything he pays for whether on credit or on debit or in cash gets drawn immediately from his bank account.
I just wish he’d make saving and debt repayment a more active part of his financial life. And be more involved with the collective finances.
March 11, 2010 at 11:23 am
@Jenn – would you mind contacting me at sibenikmary@yahoo.ca to share your spreadsheets? I’d like to start setting something up with Excel. Thanks.
March 11, 2010 at 11:29 am
I am getting worried about my parents. My mother was always the saver and budgeter and they are quite comfortable in their retirement because of it. Since the advent of online banking my dad has taken over the financial reigns but lately his memory and lucidity are questionable at times. My father is suffering from Frontal Lobe Dimentia. Not a pretty thing at all.
My father’s condition has in some ways turned him into a teenager: quick to anger, selfish and unreasonable. He has his good days and his bad ones and he’s always on his best behaviour around my daughter but both my mother and I are concerned with his control over the finances. He changes passwords then forgets them and has been moving money around without informing my mother.
Talking about money has always been taboo in my family so the fact that my mother came to me with her concerns means it must be getting bad. How do you broach such a subject with someone who is unstable without offending or angering them? His mental condition is not terrible yet, most people don’t realize that anything’s wrong, they just assume he’s having a bad day, but it will only get worse. I don’t want be the one in control (my mother and computers don’t get along) but what do I do?
March 11, 2010 at 11:39 am
This is a great topic! About 5 years ago, my husband and I realized that either we were going to talk about money with each other OR we were going to find ourselves continuously struggling with it. After we created our plan, we were able to pay off about $93,000 worth of debt and become debt free (except for the house). It was truly a remarkable, but difficult journey, and I’m sooooo glad that we were able to turn our financial lives around.
March 11, 2010 at 11:48 am
A friend of mine let his wife do all of the finances, and she worked as a waitress, so there was a lot of cash flowing through based upon tips. Unfortunately, he didn’t realize that she had become a hardcore alcholic (it was hidden well) — until she became unable to function. But she had all the accounts etc, so even when she lost her job, she was still withdrawing etc…. financial nightmare. He said he added up what they were spending on alcohol on the credit card and it added up to $400.00 /month (this did not include whatever was bought with cash)…. oy!
I have difficulty with my partner in that he lost his job a few years ago, and do to his age and skill sets, couldn’t find a white collar job, and due to health reasons, had difficulty with manual labour. While he was working, he was an amazing saver — and I learned alot of financial responsibility from him. My attitude towards money changed etc. I make a good income so we’re fine with 1 income and his part time job but he also is depressed, and all of his part time $ are spent on *stuff*.
We do not enjoy full disclosure, although it is something I am chipping away at. I have asked him to do a 6 month snapshot for the past few weeks and he “hasn’t had time” (also takes care of his elderly mother in another city, travels back & forth) — so I am going to put a deadline on it and see if that helps.
I think when you have both partners on it, it is much easier to succeed. And he is very supportive in that we are always looking for ways to save money, and put money aside for things and helps keep me on track.
March 11, 2010 at 12:04 pm
I love the concept of “the Bread Truck” in that keeping everything available to carry on is important. Emergency preparedness hopefully no one will ever need it but what a relief and useful tool if they do.
Thanks for sharing
March 11, 2010 at 12:06 pm
I think that just like everything else in a relationship you have to find a middle ground that works for both partners. We maintain seperate accounts, I pay the fixed expenses (car, mortgage, utilities). He pays everything else (jar money, vacations, emergency fund, planned savings, RRSP’s). Every month I print out our monthly budget showing our budget and actual spending. Any additonal money that comes in (overtime, bonus, tax return) is an opportunity for discussion. We discuss our current status and then make a decision about what to do with the extra funds. We both have the user id and sign on for our online banking. The bills get opened by whoever happens to pick up the mail. We review them together when they come in and then put them in the appropriate His or Hers to be paid file. It works for us. We both know exactly where we are finacially.
March 11, 2010 at 12:09 pm
SimpleSavings – I am so sorry to hear about your dilemma. I worry about my mom as well – I don’t think she prepared well for retirement. Plus she is a bit of a “spender/hoarder”. I know that I am not in a position to help financially and that is a big concern. Luckily she still seems to have all her mental faculties so that is one thing I don’t have to worry about – yet. I think she finally understands that when I ask about her finances it is not because I am being snoopy but because I believe we need to have a “Come to Jesus” honest talk about what the situation really is. Good luck to you.
March 11, 2010 at 12:12 pm
It’s funny because I always comment on the fact that I don’t know a single household in my age group where the woman DOESN’T do the money. (With the exception of the households in which no one does it… but that’s a whole other situation.)
Anyway, what I really want to comment on though is it always shocks me that people draw such a strong link between a marriage license and finances. Unless you have an arranged marriage and literally meet your spouse at the altar then you’ve probably spent a lot of time growing your relationship before the walk down the aisle. The financial relationship is a component of that and should be growing steadily that whole time too.
Also, just because you’re not ‘married’ doesn’t mean you’re financially independent of each other. If your live-in boyfriend loses his job or dies, you’re suddenly stuck with both halves of the rent and bills, just like you would be if her were your ‘husband’.
March 11, 2010 at 12:20 pm
When I first met my husband, we had a frank conversation on finances. I asked him if he had run his credit report, and he said he was afraid to. So, I did, and it actually wasn’t too bad. A lot of that bad debt was from his ex-wife, and I know that she would never pay her share, so the only way to get his credit report cleaned up was to contact those past creditors and try to figure out what was owed. My husband paid all his bills on time, but when he paid them, he threw out the bill and just recorded it in his check book. So, even if he thought he had paid something that was on his credit report as outstanding, there was no proof.
The real “awakening” came when I helped him move and he had to go in for emergency surgery. I had no idea what bills had been paid, passwords, etc. It was a nightmare. When he got out of the hospital, I helped get him organized, and bought him a filing cabinet to keep all his paid bills in, as well as a monthly budget book, where he could see what bills were due, what bills had been paid, etc. It was a simple system.
From there, I created a book of all the important information, just in case something would happen to either one of us.
As far as the day-to-day budget, I now keep track of the day-to-day expenses, have everything on spreadsheets in Excel, and sometimes get frustrated with the budget, and I tell my husband that “Gail” would have him do the budget for a month. He says he doesn’t think he can do it. We do watch Gail’s show together, and that is an “eye-opener” for him, and we are really working hard together to get rid of our debt. However, sometimes when I tell him that we only have so much for groceries, he “whines” as I call it, but then I remind him of Gail’s show, and that seems to help him.
March 11, 2010 at 12:22 pm
@SimpleSaving – I’m so sorry. You can’t let your dad’s illness put them in a financial emergency just because you don’t want to offend him. And your mom probably came to you partly because she needs some support to be firm with him.
If you don’t want to take over, then look into getting a bookkeeper, or someone who can teach your mom about online banking. But you and your mom need to change the situation – for everyone’s protection.
Good luck
March 11, 2010 at 12:55 pm
“Years ago a manager my husband had insisted everyone in their group have what he called a “Bread Truck Document”. Suppose on the way to work today you were hit by a bread truck. Would someone else be able to pick up your work and carry on?”
I’ve been paranoid about this for awhile and am currently doing up detailed documents for my duties at work. It is scary how over the years there is so much only I know how to do now. It would leave everyone in a horrible bind if something happened and I don’t like the fact that I’ve become the one everyone depends on for answers. It’s unfair to my employers and to myself.
After that is done I’m also doing up one for my executors and the one who has POA for my personal finances. My parents were pretty good about discussing finances, though my Dad did the actual banking. As they got older they put in place POA for my brother and I, which was farsighted on their part. However, one of my Aunts was totally clueless when it came to finances, and when my Uncle died, Dad ended up looking after her financial affairs and also that of his other sister who developed Alzheimer’s.
Ignorance about your spouse’s finances and avoiding making wills seems to be a common problem. I guess it is human nature not to want to face the worst case scenario.
March 11, 2010 at 1:46 pm
What’s funny with us is that even though we talk about money daily (hourly if a situation comes up), DH will always ask me to check our ledger to see how we are doing this month. The binder is in plain view and I tell him he can look at it whenever he wants but he much prefers that I be the boss. I prefer it too since I’m very good at it!
All the money is “our” money. So if we need soap and I want to try a different brand, we talk about it. That may be because we have hit an employment emergency and need to use about $400/month from our EF to break even so every penny has to be accounted for. Our budget is so tight that when all my undergarments (mended once already) broke, we didn’t have any “other” money in the budget to buy new ones.
From this emergency I can’t tell you enough how important an EF is. It will get us through this difficult time and meanwhile we aren’t losing any sleep.
Maybe if TV shows had their super-sexed-up characters talk about money before they knock boots, real people would follow suit.
March 11, 2010 at 2:05 pm
I drives me CRAZY that my husband has handed me the financial reigns and then washed his hands of it. We kept everything separate for years as a habit of when we were just friends/roommates, but it became embarassing for me to ask for half the mortgage or half the hydro so that I could make the bills. The bill paying landed on my lap when I was on my first maternity leave (so had “more time” — ya right). So I asked him to make our checking accounts joint “in case” something happened to either of us, and to make the bill paying less terrible for me.
Unfortunately he decided that meant he didn’t ever have to look at a bill again!
I have repeatedly tried to get him involved again, but it hasn’t worked. His excuse is that I am doing a GREAT JOB so he doesn’t want to meddle. I don’t even think he knows where the mail-key is (not for lack of me trying to tell him). I have told him where the important papers are, and shown him where the pending bills land when they come out of the mailbox… but I can tell from the glazed look in his eyes that he is hearing “Mwaa, mwaa mwaa…”.
March 11, 2010 at 2:09 pm
I am just starting my debt diet and my common law husband isn’t doing anything to pay back his cc or student loan he pays it bit by bit when convenient and has the bill collector after him for it. He spends most of what he makes and does manage to put away 2% of what he makes. He frustrates me with his lazy attitude towards work and him making almost double an hour what I do it makes me mad he works 4 hour days when he could buckle down and put in extra hours and pay off all his debts. It sucks to live with a person who can pick their own hours and be such a financial deadbeat. He thinks tddup is a joke as he doesn’t want to see his finances any way but his own. So I just deduct his utility payments out of the rent I owe him so we keep the house running and he pays the rent. I love him but I will never be able to buy a house alone and his credit is shoddy. I may end up on my own if this continues.
March 11, 2010 at 2:19 pm
Oh, I should add that we do talk about the balances regularly — almost daily. I tell him if our Hydro consumption is up, or if the house insurance has increased, what the mortgage rate is and that sort of thing, but I’d rather he was more proactive and looking these things up himself!
I’m not sure he understands how many different bills we get regularly. House insurance, life insurance, investments x2, vehicle insurance x2, health insurance, natural gas, hydro, phone, cable, cell, municiple, mortgage, property taxes, then there are the things that have statements (but no balances) like Visa & MC, LOC….
crazy stuff.
March 11, 2010 at 3:03 pm
@*pol “Mwaa, mwaa mwaa…”. LOL — that’s what my bf hears too….
March 11, 2010 at 3:27 pm
This was years ago, but it still applies:
My great-grandmother lived back in the days when women didn’t work. This was never a big deal, because her husband did and they always did well. Until he had a stroke. He was in a coma, but not dead. So every last penny she had in the world was in his name. And he couldn’t sign for it. Result: my grandfather had to give her a weekly allowance until he died and the estate could be settled.
Moral: even if you trust your partner’s decisions, you still need to know EVERYTHING that goes on, because they could die tomorrow and you’ll be up shit creek!
March 11, 2010 at 4:08 pm
Just a suggestion pol: My Hubster was the worst for not wanting to know – which suited me just fine in the bad old days. When we changed and I wanted him to participate it was a struggle – had to tie him to a chair once a month. Just after we cleared our debts he tried the same soft soap to avoid involvement and the hassle – you’re doing such a good job! True, and a nice compliment but this also left me wide open – any mistakes were going to be my fault. So I scared him. He works right next to the bank so actually does most of the withdrawals. I knew he was looking at the balances because he was once very surprised at how much we had in the chequing account – thought we could blow the lot not remebering that now that we were reformed the money was there waiting to pay some big bills. So I moved a lot of the chequing account money into our joint savings. When he noticed that it was gone I pretended not to know anything (holy caca we’ve been robbed!!) I suggested that he look through our bills and budget sheet to find out if I had made an overpayment. He quite quickly found the “theft” (oh sorry, I forgot I transferred that) and actually did find a mistake (bummer). Now he annoys me by checking my figures but at least he keeps his eye on ball and I don’t have to keep all the balls in the air by myself.
March 11, 2010 at 5:34 pm
@Maureen — interesting tactic, however I’m not sure he’d go for it because he never looks at the balances either (BAD BOY).
March 11, 2010 at 6:00 pm
@ Rosemary – I feel for you. I can speak for men and say that as a gender, we are extremely stupid in some regards. Perhaps he doesn’t understand that bad finances = end of relationship. Say it like that (again, see my first point). He might straighten up. If not, then you understand your position in his life and can make a clear decision. Good luck.
March 11, 2010 at 6:15 pm
I am dealing with this right now. I have been dating my bf for 5 years now and I have NO idea how he spends his money and what his account balances are. We currently do not live together but we will be within the next year and half after we get married. The funny thing is I know how much he makes, but no idea what the debt amount is. He did say that he is planning on telling me what the balance was once it has been paid off and that should be soon. But it still concerns me that he won’t tell me. I feel like it’s a trust issue. We have had other money talks before ie how to manage our combined incomes, what we think is reasonable to spend on a house and the fact that when we get married we will be consumer debt free (I am currently). So I know he will participate in money talks, but the lack of knowledge regarding the debt drives me nuts.
March 11, 2010 at 6:34 pm
My husband and I have always talked about money, even when we were dating as teenagers. I think it has saved us a LOT of grief. Balancing the books isn’t a super-fun way to spend a Saturday night, but in the long run it’s the best thing we could be doing.
March 11, 2010 at 7:30 pm
Sarah; right now – I’l say it again – right now is the time to find out that information not 18 months from now when you are married. You need to have full disclosure before you make that final step of marriage and decide that you want to take on what it is that he is hiding from you.
March 11, 2010 at 9:34 pm
@ SimpleSavings,
So sorry to hear about your dad’s condition. Honestly, you should probably consult a lawyer – your father’s medical condition (and mental capacity) is definitely suspect. If he is still legally of sound mind, a power of attorney needs to be executed in favour of someone you trust (your mom, you, another sibling, family member, trusted friend or any combination thereof). While you or your mom may not be able to convince him to hand over the reigns, an impartial third party (lawyer, doctor) may be able to explain and recommend a plan of action which wouldn’t offend his sensibilities. It would be a shame to see him do something foolish and drain the bank account(s). Best of luck.
March 11, 2010 at 9:41 pm
Jenn – thank you so much for the “bread truck” lesson. I realized as I read it only I have everything in my head about paying the household bills. So I wrote up an “if I were hit by a bus tomorrow” sheet for my partner with all the online banking passwords, the password for the financial software and what bills were on automatic debit from the accounts, what were the automatic transfers to savings accounts and their uses (household planned spending like property taxes and home repairs, etc) and what bills have to be paid electronically. He and I will sit down together and I’ll show him how to use the financial software that manages all our accounts and how to pay the bills using it.
March 11, 2010 at 10:25 pm
At one point, when both of us were working, my hubby agreed to a system of proportionate pay. As in he made 30% of the household income, I made the rest. We then choose which of the bills and commitments came closest to equalling his percentage and he was responsible for them. I love on-line banking, he’s computer-phobic. So there is always a hardcopy of bills and the printout of payment when I do my bills. He took his to the bank or directly to the utilities. We even had a $5 can. As in, each week, we knew we spent minimum of $5 on things that didn’t matter. (donuts we don’t need, coworker’s kids raffle tickets etc) Instead, we had to put that into the can. And we’d write up slips – wish lists of sorts – of how we’d like to use the collection of money. It worked well for us.
Fast forward a few years, undiagnosed health issues have kept him from employment and disability income (try to get coverage for something the doctors haven’t and don’t want to rush with diagnosis) His income is from inherited farm land and rentals. Great . . . but now his income comes in huge lump sums and he has no concept of how to dole it out to himself and treat it as an income. It wasn’t unusual to receive nearly 6000 one month and be broke within 3 months. Hard to be to hold a grudge since the majority of his spending benefits us both. But darn it . . . I would have rather he take the money and put against our HELC before replacing stuff that is still okay – just not that fancy.
So now I have to start all over. He gets very defensive and shuts down so I back off . . . for a while. Now I’m getting back to him. Since I look after ALL the housing/utility/life insurance/etc, he really has only a few bills and fill his own gas tank. I’ve been writing out and tracking exactly what I have to pay each month. I think his eyes are being pried open now. How exhausting. Now the big wait is on the release of finances he’s inheriting. And the talk of how to handle it goes on.
Thankfully, I’ve kept my chequing acct separate and the joint account is used more for a transfer of funds. My parents would speak fairly open about finances. They have always has separate accounts, investments etc and each have their own regular bills to pay – Dad does utilities, Mom does groceries etc. It was when Dad had a stroke that Mom commented that I know more about daily bills than she did. All may be fine for Dad now, but I think Mom’s getting more involved as to how things happen.
If only relations and emotions weren’t so closely tied into our financial decisions . . . .
March 12, 2010 at 12:02 am
Interesting blog. My hubbby I and were very open while dating. I even prepared his taxes for him! It’s funny though that neither of us were very smart with money so we’ve just recently started the lengthy journey (for us) of becoming DFF.
So tonight I discover a leak in the laundry room. Argh! A test…it’s only a test. Thankfully it won’t be too expensive to fix short term but it solidifies the decision to re-do the 30 year old siding on the house within the year. So the test is…debt or save for it. Well, we need every regular penny for DFF plan so it looks like overtime! We will overcome.
Thanks for listening.
March 12, 2010 at 12:25 am
@joanne
Thanks for the advise. I don’t think he is hiding a very large debt from me I think that he is just embarrassed that he has debt when I never did. I will find out about his money situation soon; before we get married for sure. I just want him to be comfortable so we can have an open non-confrontational talk. No one wants to fight about money.
March 12, 2010 at 12:26 am
Advice
March 12, 2010 at 2:10 am
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May 21, 2010 at 12:36 am
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