How We Deceive Ourselves
Posted by Gail | Filed under Psychology
One of the questions that often comes up whether I’m working with a couple or with a Princess is this: Are people really this good at deceiving themselves? After all, how can a chick who barely makes enough money to make ends meet really think she can afford a Paris Hilton lifestyle? And what the hell gets into a boy’s brain to make him believe that changing his wheels every nine months is worth the “negative equity” hangover?
According to a study done quite some time ago and published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, we are very good at deceiving ourselves.
In 1984, George Quattrone and Amos Tversky recruited 38 students who were told they were going to take part in a study about the “psychological and medical aspects of athletics”. Participants were first asked to plunge their arms into cold water for as long as they could. Most could only manage 30 or 40 seconds. Then they were put on an exercise bike and given a short lecture about life expectancy and how it related to the type of heart you have.
Half the participants were told that people with hearts associated with better health, longer life expectancy and low risk of heart disease have increased tolerance to cold water after exercise. The other half was told that those things decreased tolerance to cold water.
Participants were asked to put their arms into the cold water for as long as they could. People who thought holding their arms underwater for longer showed they had a healthy heart did just that, while those who believed the reverse were unable to last as long as they previously had.
So were these people lying to themselves or the experimenters?
When participants were asked whether they had intentionally changed the amount of time they held their arms underwater 29 denied it and 9 confessed, but not directly. Many of the 9 confessors claimed the water had changed temperature – their way of justifying their behaviour without directly facing their self-deception.
When participants were asked whether they believed they had a healthy heart, of the 29 deniers, 60% believed they had the healthier heart. But only 20% of confessors thought they had the healthier heart, which suggests that the deniers were more likely to be truly deceiving themselves and not just trying to cover up their deception.
It seems people are completely capable of thinking and acting as if an incorrect belief is completely true disregard any incoming information to the contrary. Not only will people lie to themselves if given a reason, they will look for evidence that confirms their self-deception, and completely buy the lies they are telling themselves.
Think of the implications for people who plunge themselves into debt and then lie to themselves about their motivation, their circumstances or their willingness to get themselves out. And what about all the people who can justify seven ways from sideways spending more money than they make: using overdraft, not paying their credit card balances in full, using their lines of credit as an emergency fund, consolidating their debt under their roofs.
The first step is to admit that you’re deceiving yourself. Only then can you become aware of the myriad ways in which you delude yourself and endanger your future.
Time to ‘fess up: What have you caught yourself lying to yourself about, and how long did it take you to wake up and smell the coffee?
March 4, 2010 at 7:55 am
When I used to race cars I used to think my debt wasn’t as big as it actually was. I remember the day I actually added it up and could no longer deceive myself of the truth, I was in well over my head.
regards,
Jason
March 4, 2010 at 8:39 am
We at the University of Toronto — Psychology Department stumbled upon something VERY similar.
The majority of respondents in several surveys admit to purposely seeking advice, information and reassurance that would validate their beliefs — no matter how incorrect or inconsistent those beliefs were with reality — in order to feel better about their choices.
I personally have two suggestions for this:
a) Keep an open mind: We live in such a unique and diverse society, so simply be willing to listen to the beliefs of those who differ from your own — you just may learn something that could change your outlook on life!
b) Establish a checks-and-balance system: Use a friend, family member or partner (this works well for personal finances) to ensure that you’re on the right path and doing all you can to achieve those dreams and desires.
As for my own deception — and this is a fairly standard one — I used to believe that “you have to look rich to be rich.” Clearly, that is not the case, and I’m glad you amongst others came along to invalidate that false belief.
Have A Pleasant Day Everyone!
March 4, 2010 at 9:10 am
I deceived myself into remaining in debt and continuing to get further into debt by believing that the money we borrowed from our credit line each month was “the money we were short to make ends meet”. Once I woke up and smelled the coffee I realized that in truth, it was “the money we were overspending by choice, not by necessity”.
Interestingly enough, once we cut out excess spending, we were able to break even each month. And in order to save, we needed to bring in more money which we started doing. Now we save about 12-15% of our take home income each month!
It took nearly a decade for me to ‘get it’. And boy was I totally deceived for those 10 years!!!
March 4, 2010 at 9:23 am
I continually TRY to lie to myself on a daily basis…. I have a very imaginative mind, and one part of my brain is continually trying to outsmart the other part.
My current delusion that I’m trying to slip by me — is that the scale is broken, because I cannot possibly weigh that, that I don’t eat that much junk food, and that I don’t eat too much in the evenings.
Which in order is – no, it’s not broken, yes I do, yes I do and yes I do.
The brain is amazing…. I watched a documentary about severe burn victims, and when they were put into a virtual reality from the beginning of their treatment (I believe it was a winter snow game for children) — they recovered 30% faster and experienced less pain than similar burn patients. Crazy good.
I used to have to travel over 4 hours to visit my parents when they moved away from the city. Over the span of 5 years, I would go approx. 3-4 times a year. EVERY SINGLE TIME I went, I caught a cold (still went) — but I didn’t really want to go, and hate to travel. The only time I wasn’t ill, was when I had no notice, was when I had to attend a family funeral. Did I really catch a cold all those times?
I think the trick is to use your brain for you instead of against you. Like one of Gail’s suggestions in her book, put pictures of the goals you are trying to achieve on your fridge… why? Because your brain sees it and refocuses energy and thought towards it.
If you’re going to lie to yourself, lie for the good! No, I won’t mind not going to the restaurants at all this month, I’m saving money… and before you know, you won’t mind not going to restuarants, because you ARE saving money and that is what you want.
As an aside, has anyone noticed how horrible restaurant food is lately? Can’t even find a good place…
March 4, 2010 at 9:30 am
Mrs. T. I can totally relate. We used our line of credit deceiving ourselves that it was available money for the taking one day we would pay it back. Our debt continued to increase until we finally said we had to do something. We are now paying our debt off and eliminated any line of credit or overdraught. I’m so grateful for Gail’s daily wisdom and seeing we are the ones that definitely needed to change.
T.K.
March 4, 2010 at 9:50 am
I like Kat’s idea of trying to figure out how your brain works and use it to your advantage. There are tons of studies in psychology on cognitive dissonance. Knowing about this can be helpful, because you can try to catch self-deception and nip it in the bud.
But it can be a bit of a double-edged sword too. I sometimes find myself searching for the real motivation behind my decisions and get lost in a perpetual “what if loop” that keeps me from acting. I need to set aside fear of failure and just make the best choice that I can.
March 4, 2010 at 10:15 am
One of the most common delusions that I find other people use is “I didn’t have time .” I think that’s self delusion and if someone says that, I usually respond with “sure you did, you just chose not to.” So if my wife asks me to pick something up from the store on the way home and I don’t want to, when I get home I just say “I was tired and didn’t want to go.” I find that more honest than the “didn’t have time” excuse.
March 4, 2010 at 10:27 am
I lied to myself constantly for years that just because we had a good income and earnt xxx amount of dollars that we could afford an extravagant lifestyle. Boy was I wrong. Though that lightbulb moment was a good feeling, it made me feel empowered to fix my problem, not the problem, my problem.
March 4, 2010 at 10:39 am
I am sure this applies to me too.
However, it’s easier to see when it applies to someone else . I have learned that it’s impossible to give someone honest critique in a direct way. People do not accept it, they refuse to assimilate it. When I really have to give someone critique (such as my team at work), I feel compelled to package it in a way that they have to arrive to the conclusion themselves… otherwise, it doesn’t get through.
March 4, 2010 at 10:42 am
The brain is an amazing organ-think of the placebo effect as another example. One way to make it work to your advantage (once you wake up from the earlier delusions that is), is that if you start putting effort into something, you start to believe that it must be a worthwhile activity, or else why would you bother? So…. once you get on the Gail Track and start getting out of debt/leaving within your means/saving, you start to see the intrinsic value in it and that helps you to continue.
March 4, 2010 at 11:04 am
Mrs. T, we also used out LOC in the same manner – but not anymore.
We did consolidate within our mortgage, which I had a hard time deciding to do, BUT it meant that I was able to free up several hundred dollars each month and we have a lower over-all interest rate. It gives me peace of mind to know that I don’t need to rely on the LOC or my credit cards to make ends meet.
I hate that my mortgage over-all balance is higher, but I feel better that I have more flexibility each month financially and we will be able to plan better.
When DH returns to work, we will then change our payment options on the mortgage to pay it back sooner/catch up on the consumer debt within the mortgage.
Kat: I SO relate to the lying to myself about food/weight/scale etc.
I do eat very healthy and I’m exercising regularly, but I know my portions can be an issue. I’m trying to listen to my body more. Am I really hungry or am I tired? – usually I’m tired. Could I push myself harder with my running/fitness – absolutely!
I think the biggest hurdle with money & weight-loss is mentally accepting that you are capable of saving, eating less, working harder, that we do have time in our day – after all we can all fit time in for the bob-tube or the internet right?
March 4, 2010 at 11:13 am
My mortgage is coming up this fall. Until I started to read your blog (and then bought your latest book) I was convinced that I was going to consolidate my debt and have the mortgage increased to pay off my line of credit.
I had myself convinced that doing this would be OK because most of the money that I have borrowed from the LOC was to pay for improvements to the house. In truth, home improvement and decor is a hobby of mine, and most of the improvements were unnecessary.
I’ve since changed my plans and am working to have the LOC paid off in three years.
March 4, 2010 at 11:23 am
My husband and I lied to ourselves about the negative effect that buy now pay later had on our finances.. We justified that we could “afford” it becuase we always paid the balances off before we paid interest.. however making those payments tightened our everyday budget to a point where other necessities were paid with a CC or LOC.. in reality we were just shifting debt…
We woke up and smelled the coffee and have NO Buy no pay later commitments hanging over our head AND we have not paid one cent of interest on our visa since Sept 2009!!!! what an amazing feeling!!!
March 4, 2010 at 11:38 am
I read a book on cognitive dissonance a while ago and it really opened my eyes about how we attempt to rationalize bad decisions, and then repeat or entrench the behaviour in order to reinforce the belief that we are right. There is a good summary on wikipedia:
“A powerful cause of dissonance is an idea in conflict with a fundamental element of the self-concept, such as “I am a good person” or “I made the right decision”. The anxiety that comes with the possibility of having made a bad decision can lead to rationalization, the tendency to create additional reasons or justifications to support one’s choices. A person who just spent too much money on a new car might decide that the new vehicle is much less likely to break down than his or her old car. This belief may or may not be true, but it would reduce dissonance and make the person feel better. Dissonance can also lead to confirmation bias, the denial of disconfirming evidence, and other ego defense mechanisms.”
-from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonance
We would all like to think “I don’t do that” but we all do, to some extent. I think that being aware of this tendency is of great use though.
March 4, 2010 at 11:51 am
Kat – you crack me up.
I try to lie to myself as well about all kinds of stuff. But when I voice the lies to my boyfriend – he calls me on my BS every time. Then teases me relentlessly about it – for a long time. Somehow when he says the lies out loud they sound totally ridiculous. And embarassing.
Obviously the only solution is to stop talking to him.
March 4, 2010 at 11:58 am
Saver Queen, what was the name of the cognitive dissonance book that you read? That sounds really, really interesting. I’m terrible and coming up with all sorts of reasons to justify what I want to buy. More accurately, I should say I’m really GOOD at it!
I’m working on not spending so much on “wants” and pretending that they are “needs”, but it’s hard to change life-long habits. 80% of the time I control it and am more aware the other 20%. Doesn’t mean I don’t buy stuff I probably “shouldn’t”, but I’m working on it. It can be tough to find the happy balance of enjoying life and wasting money somtimes, though. I think, “I work really hard and don’t have much debt, so I “deserve” XXX.” Not that a person shouldn’t enjoy their life and spend money on themselves for fun sometimes, but it all has to be within reason, right? Trouble is, what is “within reason” in my own little head can change daily!
Always enjoy the blog AND all the comments.
March 4, 2010 at 1:12 pm
I deceive myself daily. Mostly about excercise. I do enough moving to keep from gaining weight, but my stamina is embarassing for my age, my cardio is shockingly poor, and I’m sure my bones are evaporating because I do zero loads on them (I sit all day). But I’m allways telling myself that I must be doing good because I am not gaining weight… the dog must be getting enough walks (about once ever 3 days) because he is well behaved… etc.
The deception is up and down and all over the place about money though. Sometimes I feel so poor, I try to not to buy groceries. Othertimes I feel wealthy and end up on a mini shopping spree (never on credit at least) which would make me feel poor next month…. unbalanced delusions!
March 4, 2010 at 1:15 pm
@JMC LOL — yes, boyfriends are great for that. Except with the weight, he also eats the same food I do pretty much, so to him, not only is the scale broken, but the laundry machines are too because they keep shrinking our clothes!
March 4, 2010 at 1:25 pm
It is likely that there is deception if the word ‘but’ is used.
Example: “But I’ll make much more money once I am done with school.” Just because the statement is likely to be true does not necessarily justify the immediate intended action.
March 4, 2010 at 1:32 pm
I won’t call it lying to myself, it was more of a total lack of information with which to make a good truth evident. I forged ahead in college in a program that actually required a lot more schooling to be financially viable. I didn’t have a plan. Now I have a much clearer image of my own character and what I would like to do as a career. I suppose I regret the time lost, but what can you do, it is what it is.
Now I’m trying to counsel younger siblings who are headed down that same path and they refuse to listen to me. They think, as I did, that it’ll all work out in the end because any old degree will get you an excellent job. I would get irritated, but I turned out in the end and so will they.
March 4, 2010 at 1:58 pm
The one lie/justification I hear most in our house is “I make xx amount of $/hr, and 22 days a month, therefore this item only costs half a day of work.” Of course DH never counts up how many “days” he has to work to make ends meet…
Ok, lies I tell myself? After many years of being truly on the edge of poverty I sometimes find uttering a self-pitying “I’m broke” My budget IS tight, but I pay my savings account first and budget in a reasonable amount of “play” money and “give” money for gifts or charity. Maybe the bank account seems low, but my cupboards are healthy, my gas tank is full, and I have guilt-free cash that I can spend on whatever I choose. Key word: Choose.
March 4, 2010 at 2:10 pm
Hi, everyone. I’m a first-time blogger, but have been reading Gail’s blog and all your interesting comments for the past month. My husband and I opened a HELOC a couple years ago to consolidate our high-interest debt and to have a low-interest option in case we needed it as he was returning to university. Less than 2 years later we are into the HELOC for about $20,000 more than when we first consolidated our debt. This is how we deceived ourselves – we had to buy a new vehicle after ours was ‘totaled’, but it is true that we didn’t need to buy an almost-new one. We also loaned my FIL some money for an investment (which I’m sure we will eventually get back, but that could be years). I’ve been trying to put together a larger savings fund, but realize after reading the blog and all your comments that my focus should be on repaying the HELOC (we keep our CCs balance-free), especially as the interest rates are expected to start rising. Thanks for all your insights!
March 4, 2010 at 2:10 pm
Um, I freakin love you Gail. You have made me stop deceiving myself and cut up my cards so I can be DFF (holla). There is NO reason I should have a professional career, make good money and still have CC debt. Like, no way. What was I thinking? Yeah. I wasn’t thinking.
With your useful tools and “smack down” attitude, you’ve helped me get real with myself and stop living a lie.
March 4, 2010 at 2:31 pm
It’s funny, when I read this my intial reaction was “I’m completely honest with myself!” But then I thought about it for a minute and realized that’s not true. I use an online diet and exercise tracker to help me lose weight. On more than one occassion I’ve entered fewer servings of a food I’ve eaten just because it looks better and keeps me under the number of calories I want to consume in a day. I keep having to lecture myself that entering those numbers doesn’t make it reality! Silly I know, yet I keep trying to pull one over on myself.
It’s the same with my dream to buy a house, I play with the numbers in the mortgage calculator trying, to come up with the magic answer of “I CAN afford to buy!” Luckily I’ve been able to see through my own deceptions on that one, the consequences are a little more dire than a couple extra pounds on my backside!
March 4, 2010 at 4:03 pm
I decieve myself on 2 fronts.
I tell myself I can do it all, help M with his book, mentor T, agree to organize this and that, take classes, go to group meetings, etc… and then my body says “I don’t think so” and I end up in bed for a few days.
Financially I also tell myself I can save for it all, old age, emergency fund, house repair fund, snow and grass fund, travel fund, classes, fun fund, etc… and then I realize I don’t have enough money for it all and I end up putting all into 2 savings accounts with all my plans going nowhere. And then if I do have any extra money and my house finds out, something will give and I will have to divert my saved money there. I have to stop decieving myself that I am saving properly – I’m not, but at least I’m saving.
Thanks for the wake up call Gail!
March 4, 2010 at 4:11 pm
My husband believed that he “deserved” to spend money on this or that because he worked hard and made good money. The problem was the ratio of life spending to other spending causing us to go into debt. I lied to myself saying it was “only fair” that I got to spend some money too, but it just added to the debt.
Our eyes are open now. Thank you Gail. It has been 2 months of the jars etc…
Now we have to make conscious choices on what we spend our money on. If he wants McDonalds at lunch it is his choice to spend it out of his allowance or starve.
ha ha!
March 4, 2010 at 4:53 pm
I’m with *pol, in that I think I am in better shape than is the real case. In spite of 30 minutes of walking/biking per day I could not sprint after a bus a couple of weeks ago without starting to wheeze. Need to increase intensity — or even start running, good grief.
March 4, 2010 at 5:08 pm
I believed that I didn’t/couldn’t earn more than a certain amount because of the business I was in…realized how wrong I was when a different person hired me to do the same job elsewhere…for a lot more than I had settled for years!
I am coming to terms with and making conscious decisions in that area too.
I will also admit to saying the scale must be broken!
That I/We deserve the toys we have and want to have because we work hard. We do work hard but must first pay for those toys already purchased without cash on hand.
So many self deceptions/so much wasted time and money. Thanks Gail for your inspiration and information!
March 4, 2010 at 5:11 pm
I rationalize purchases to myself all the time – or rather I used to, now with Gail’s coaching I’m better at facing the real truth. My finances are getting better all the time without the self-deception and subsequent “money leaks.”
March 4, 2010 at 6:03 pm
I lie to myself a lot. My clocks are wrong. I set them ahead a few minutes so that I always arrive places early. I hate to be late. I also lie to myself and rationalize purchases, I really did NEED that. I’m far too busy to exercise tonight. ETC
March 4, 2010 at 6:04 pm
Over Christmas I was at home with my mom and we were talking about budgeting and my goal of paying off all my credit cards this year (June to be precise!!). She said she didn’t budget because she knew that she and dad didn’t make enough to make ends meet. We got into “pleasant” banter about how that’s no reason to not make a budget and do something about the shortfall, blah blah blah. But when it’s your mom, sometimes you just know when to shut up.
Fast forward to last month. My boyfriend and I decide to go on a financial fast, not buy anything but necessities for a whole month. Mom and dad decide to go on it too. When I’m talking to her at the end of the month, she tells me that because she and dad only bought necessities, they were actually able to pay ALL of their bills that month, and even get ahead on a few.
First, I was really proud. Second, I SO wanted to say “told you so!” “Told you so!” Because then I knew that they DID have enough money to make ends meet, they were just spending it on lord knows what. But, as I said before, sometimes when it’s your mom, you just know when to shut up
.
March 4, 2010 at 6:35 pm
Bravo Ronnie on opening your parents eyes!!!! Give yourself a pat on the back for that and for your June no debt date. You go girl!
March 4, 2010 at 8:34 pm
I think that we deceive ourselves into thinking that food isn’t money — our family throws away so much food every day, I shudder to think what it would mean in terms of dollars. My husband, and my kids, don’t see the issue. Between yesterday and today alone, a full sandwich, a head of lettuce, and one person’s pasta lunch was tossed. With spending $200 a week on groceries for a family of 4, my point is, we are literally throwing money away…
Then when I think of the cups of coffee that my husband purchases; honestly, who can REALLY afford $1.50 countless times/day or week/month/year for something that has no nutritional value for your body?
I think my husband is good at seeing the big picture of our finances when we’re talking about most purchases, but it’s the day to day stuff that’s eating US up, and he doesn’t see how those smaller purchases make a difference… Even when I add them up, he justifies them, and also reminds me that we do have savings… I think he is deceiving himself, and our kids by doing this. Yes, we do have savings, are pretty comfortable, and no real credit card debt to speak of (always paid off right away or in another month) but we do still have a mortgage and 2 car loans, and 2 kids, one who will be starting university in 4 years…
I get so frustrated because there WAS a time when we agree’d that Timmy’s and M and M were luxury items and bad words, and our incomes haven’t changed as much as he’d like to think…
March 4, 2010 at 9:56 pm
A co-worker was sharing his plans to refinance his house to pay off credit cards, windows, line of credit, etc. Being ‘Gailified”, I asked him if that meant that he was not going to use his credit cards anymore, and what did that mean to his mortgage, as in was it going to mean starting over. “No, no, it’s not a consolidation loan, that’s different.” He was taking his $60K something mortgage up to ‘ around $119K and expecting a cheque for $44k, which he could do whatever with! It would only make his mortgage payments an extra $100 biweekly, no biggie!! Yikes. That seems like a lot of penalties, etc cuz 119 – 60 is NOT 44. I thought back to his other conversations with me, where he complained about not making ends meet. Last night he was discussing the 14K quad he hopes to buy with this windfall of money, like a little boy with a new toy!!! I wonder who is deceiving himself. Personally I just wanted to smack him upside the head (for Gail, of course) Unfortunately, I have to be around the when the fallout hits, and it is just a matter of time. On a personal note for myself, I do fall guilty of the “I work hard, I deserve it” mentality, but I am working on changing that. I just read an article about a few families who made conscious efforts to not buy anything that was not depletable (gas, groceries) for a whole year, and this was a family with three daughters!! It taught them to appreciate what they did have, how to barter, reduce, reuse, and use up. We could all use an exercise in this practice, and I am going to give it a try myself. I almost said “wish me luck’ but luck has nothing to do with it, right?
March 4, 2010 at 9:57 pm
Ronnie, good for you, you lead by example! And you helped your parents too!
March 4, 2010 at 10:13 pm
My worst delusion is time. All those years ago taking out a HELOC buying this and that, paying off the credit card, renovations, car, etc., etc., and I thought I had all the time in the world to get things in order and pay it off. I’m here to tell you folks it just isn’t so. Luckily I had a certain person hit me upside of the head and told me to get my house in order, my ducks in a row. Thanks Gail! Since I found you in November of 2008 things are much improved. I don’t know where the years went. Please people get Gailvazoladeized, learn from my mistakes ~ time is of the essence, act now.
March 4, 2010 at 10:16 pm
Cas your comment about incomes not changing much made me think of the time I probably fooled myself most in terms of finances.
I had switched jobs from an hourly wage job to a salaried one and seriously deluded myself about what kind of pay raise I was getting.
The hourly job had perks like the opportunity for a lot of paid overtime and an annual bonus (profit sharing) from the company, whereas the salaried job was just that no extras (both had the same health/dental benefits).
I thought I was getting a $15K a year raise, but it wasn’t until a couple of years later I was doing my taxes and pulled out the old info and realized I was making pretty much the same amount at both jobs, no wonder I always felt like I didn’t have enough money.
Lesson learned at least before I started digging myself big debt holes (just a little one I got out of once I realized the issue).
March 5, 2010 at 12:55 am
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March 6, 2010 at 9:52 am
Lilly — we had a year where we (well, my husband) made $30 000 more than he’d ever made before… quite a lot, one would think, but we invested in RRSP’s RESP’s, had a vacation, bought a “summer home”, did some renos, started an emergency fund, etc. That $30 000 didn’t last long, and we think we put it to good use — it went to where our priorities are and what we really want in life. But, my husband acts, but knows better, like we will have that extra income EVERY year… the fact is, we STILL can’t afford the luxury items like coffee and prepared meals to get what we REALLY want in life, even with the $30 000 extra.
I think that regardless of most people’s incomes, most people can’t afford all of the ‘little things’ because it takes away from what they truly want. How many people, seriously, would prioritize take-out coffee as being in their “Important but not urgent” list?
June 14, 2010 at 8:10 pm
Great article Thank you so much!