Our Secrets Revealed
Posted by Gail | Filed under Life Lessons
If you haven’t see the interview Slice did with me while I was signing books at Indigo in Mississauga, you can check it out here.
It’s no secret that I hate secrets. They plague our relationships, keep us in the dark about things we should know, and gobble up energy we could be using to create a great life. My family has been riddled with secrets and, perhaps in response, I’ve worn my life on my sleeve. People are sometimes surprised at what I will share.
I’ve worked hard to try and blow the idea of secrets out of the water. I’ve made couples tell each other their secrets while juggling balls as a distractions to remove the barriers, and on mega-phones. And if there is one thing I am very, very proud of it is the fact that Til Debt Do Us Part has got people talking about their financial secrets.
The most damaging secrets may not be the ones we keep from others. It may be the ones we are hiding from ourselves. And to help shine a light into the dark recesses of our lives comes a man with a vision and a website that will make you laugh and make you cry.
Have you heard about the PostSecret phenomenon? In 2005, Frank Warren came up with an idea for people to share their secrets by writing them on post cards and mailing them to him. The secrets poured in. Peopled talked about who they have secretly loved, sleeping with their best-friend’s wife, and cutting themselves. People have come clean on peeing in the shower and on settling for what they could have – as opposed to what they really wanted — and how it has worked out.
What started as a small blog has grown to the largest advertisement-free blog in the world with over 250,000 followers. The only conditions posters have to meet are these: the secrets must be true and must actually be secret. Warren’s point is to simply get the secrets out into the open, and he’s not about to comment on them being amusing, superficial or profoundly disturbing. He just wants them out there. In his words, “free your secrets and become who you are.”
Alex bought me a PostSecret book for Christmas and I fell in love. Since then we have both been looking in to see what’s weighing on people’s minds and on their souls. You can see new secrets revealed every week at http://postsecret.blogspot.com/. Here’s the example of a secret that got me writing this post:
PostSecret is five years old this month. And when it tried to produce a webcast earlier in February, so many people tried to watch the servers crashed. You can watch Frank Warren talk about PostSecret on myspace: http://www.myspace.com/postsecret.
I’m with Frank. I think we should share our secrets with the world. Holding them close and in the dark hurts US. Letting go, even anonymously with a PostSecret card, will allow you to move past the thing that has been anchoring you in a place you may not want to be.
All of us have a secret that would break someone’s heart. I encourage you to free your secrets and become who you are.
February 26, 2010 at 7:26 am
The interview was great Gail, and I just finished checking out postsecret. The site is sad and funny at the same time. I noticed how alone and isolated people can feel, but it shows the bright side of humanity too! You never know how much you actions and words can mean to another person.
The idea of letting go of your secrets is powerful, once released it no longer has any control over you! I suspect there may be a lot of people letting go of secrets this week-end.
Sam
February 26, 2010 at 7:30 am
Excellent interview! Personal finance really is simple when you follow your “golden rules”!
February 26, 2010 at 8:07 am
Nice Interview. PostSecert is a very interesting blog.
Regards,
Jason
February 26, 2010 at 8:34 am
I love the idea of the debt thermometer on the forehead! It would really wake people up to the truth about all the stuff that looks shiny and new.
February 26, 2010 at 9:02 am
Great post Gail!!! I agree 100% that secrets should be out in the open. They only hurt the one you love when they find out you were hiding them.
P.s. Does anyone else notice in the picture above that the credit card looks a lot like a Starbucks gift card?!?!
February 26, 2010 at 9:17 am
I remember reading somewhere that telling of a secret has to fall into the category that you aren’t telling it to rid yourself of your “demon” only to let it fall on someone elses shoulders. That’s how I determine whether I share secrets or not. If it’s something that I feel a need to share (and like Gail, my life’s pretty much an open book too), then I evaluate whether it’ll actually do more damage to tell it or if it’s best to just keep it a secret and let it fall away as some secrets can.
I think I read it in the context of a man on his dying bed telling his wife who’s completely adored him all their married life that he had an affair shortly after they’d married, so 40-odd years prior to his dying moment. Now that he’s dying, he could go on guilt free, but now the rest of her life is lived in awareness of this terrible secret that she never would’ve known. If someone knows the book or story, I’d like to read it again!
Oh, and the same goes for sneaking spinach or other veggies into spaghetti sauce…what people (ie. my family, husband included) don’t know won’t hurt them!
February 26, 2010 at 10:00 am
I am not one who thinks all should be revealed.
I do agree that people should not keep financial secrets from their spouses, but what is the purpose of reavealing deep hurtful secrets to another person?
Perhaps we should aspire to live a life where we are not ashamed of things we have done and therefore have no need of secrets.
Simply to unburden one’s self at the expense of another seems selfish.
February 26, 2010 at 10:10 am
Sarah – I thought the same thing about the card. I am pretty certain that it is a Starbucks giftcard.
February 26, 2010 at 10:11 am
I’m with Diana. A secret known to more than one person is not a secret.
February 26, 2010 at 10:16 am
I also don’t think all secrets should be shared. Like Diana said, it is selfish to want to unburden yourself onto someone else just so you can feel better. Sometimes if you’ve done something really wrong you just have to suck it up and deal with it for the rest of your life. Some secrets are no help to anyone if revealed and they are part of what makes you stronger.
When I was in college a friend of mine slept with a mutual friend’s boyfriend. The boyfriend turned out to be a total dud that no one missed but the betrayal was real. I advised friend A not to tell friend B since the boyfriend was out of the picture anyway but she didn’t want to live with her bad feelings anymore. She told friend B and we both ended up losing B’s friendship. I have also distanced myself from A since then because I found her action to be very self-serving.
February 26, 2010 at 10:39 am
I enjoyed the interview Gail. I thought you had a great point that personal finance, focused on investing et al., has indeed become much about complicated topics. We’ve forgotten the fundamentals of budgeting and the simple ‘golden rules’ you give at the end of the interview. We’ve put the cart before the horse.
February 26, 2010 at 10:42 am
I agree with Diana and company. Keeping financial secrets from your partner is not OK, but revealing hurtful secrets may not always be helpful. However, I think the point of the website is that you release the secret into cyberspace so that loved ones will not be hurt.
To echo another good point by Diana: When I find myself wanting to keep something secret, it usually means I’m doing something wrong. I try to use that as an early warning system.
One other issue is that there’s a difference between “secret” and “private”. Some things are not meant for public consumption and it’s important to have standards about what to reveal and to whom you reveal it.
February 26, 2010 at 10:44 am
I have been reading the postsecret blog every week for a couple of years. Some make me laugh, some almost make me cry, but it is so true that being open and honest with people is the best…I have lived both ways, and it is so liberating to be free of the little dark cloud of half-truths/cover-ups/denials/secrets. “I am in debt people, but working my butt off to make it right!!” I see other people just barely hanging on, and it makes me sad that they are lying to themselves. Hopefully soon, they will see the light at the end of the tunnel! Have a great weekend Gail and TTDUP fans! :0)
February 26, 2010 at 10:48 am
you know you drink too much coffee when you can spot a cut up starbucks card… but yes… I think it is too.. mabye she had too much of a time really letting go of the cc that it was a trial run… wonder how much was left on it… shouldnt waste starbucks you are all consumers!!! j/k I am too!:D
great post love the idea of a secret board and it would be a great idea for a highschool
February 26, 2010 at 11:08 am
I guess whether you feel a secret should be told or not, depends if you want to go through life ignorant or not.
All of the examples given of why *not* to tell a secret, are not the only view point to look at.
If you look @ Amelia with friend, A, B — the friend that cheated, *wasn’t* a good friend, and telling the friend who’s bf she cheated with, was her “growing” as a person and acknowledging that what she did was wrong. And the fact that the friend that cheated, distanced herself from Amelia – was perhaps a better outcome as well — did the cheating friend tell the other friend that Amelia had advised to keep it a secret? Would you accept that from a friend?
Secrets chip abit of your soul away… and experiencing pain is unpleasant, but is also a learning experience.
For myself, I believe that there is nothing that should be secret for secret’s sake.
In spite of that, am I keeping a couple of secrets? Yes.
Because maybe I *lack* the courage to do what should be done, but am truthful enough with myself to acknowledge what it costs.
And the example of the dying husband/affair in the beginning — is it wrong to go out of this world giving the person who would be grieving all the information so that they would know exactly WHO they were going to grieve. Maybe the wife is able to move on sooner, and maybe a small part of the wife knew… there are always little things…. I don’t think that’s an example of being selfish.
Life is too short to live with regrets. Do what allows you to sleep at night – you are who you are.
February 26, 2010 at 12:18 pm
if you check out their blog, they post new secrets every week!
postsecret. blogspot. com
February 26, 2010 at 1:28 pm
My name is Rosemary and I am a shopoholic who is in the process of reforming herself and has been on Gail’s debt diet for a month now. I have $8400 of cc debt but excellent credit and always paybills first and always on time. I just love stuff. The funny thing is I get rid of so much as well when it doesn’t fit or I don’t want it anymore. Gail you are my inspiration and I thankg god I read your new book. It was a great kick in the ass. Thank you from the bottom of my heart..
February 26, 2010 at 1:35 pm
My parents were always very secretive about their finances and bills. I never learned how to budget from them and although they are not to blame for my lack of discipline with money (my brother is great at it), I just wish that it would have been a little more out in the open.
February 26, 2010 at 1:51 pm
There should never be secrets in a relationship – financial or anything else. Secrets lead to communication breakdowns.
February 26, 2010 at 2:53 pm
I love the PostSecret books. I have a couple of them myself and it’s always very touching to read them. People are happy, sad, distraught, angry, and SO guilty. I can imagine it must be a bit of a relief for them to have this anonymous resource to send their secrets to. I hope it lessens their burdens a bit. I’ve heard that writing down your regrets on paper and then burning the paper is supposed to help you move on, too. I imagine it would work with any secret you wanted to tell – get it out there, get rid of it and move on. It doesn’t always have to go directly to the person in question.
I remember when I was a teenager I found and read a friend’s diary. I ended up telling her because I couldn’t stand it anymore (the guilt was eating at me). She and I are still good friends, but at the time she just said “I’ve hidden it so you’ll never find it again.” However, around the same time, my father was dying and my parents chose not to tell us kids. One morning I came home from my paper route and heard your dad died this morning! Angry? Yes, very. Still. 30 years later. Unburden yourself however you feel you must, but be prepared for consequences that you may or may not be ready for.
February 26, 2010 at 3:02 pm
Divulging secrets isn’t always a cathartic experience.
February 26, 2010 at 3:18 pm
Everybody keeps some sort of secret at some point in their lives. Whether to let it go by revealing it or just get it out via some sort of ritual should really be weighted against the severity of the secret and if it will help or hurt the other person.
If it will help the other person, then by all means reveal it, but if it will only help you, just let it go by either telling a counsellor or writing it down and then burning the piece of paper…we are not perfect. All we can do is learn from our mistakes and move on…and not keep anymore secrets from here on out.
February 26, 2010 at 3:35 pm
I’ve been lurking here for a few months and getting great benefit from it. That’s not a bad secret.
Michelle, there was a letter to Dear Prudence recently about a man who, on his deathbed, told his wife of many, many years,that he had been having multiple affairs with her friends for years. She had to live with that and also deal with those women whom she had always thought were her friends after he was gone. Some secrets should not be told.
Thanks for all your wonderful information Gail. Always food for thought.
February 26, 2010 at 3:38 pm
Annie, my heart aches just reading your post. How terrible to not have given you children an opportunity to say what needed to be said, to express your love, to FEEL. Thank you for sharing that with us as a reminder to do what’s right – even if it does hurt.
I also wear my heart on my sleeve for the most part.
I must say though, there are things that people I love have shared with me that I wish they had never told me because then they have placed it on my shoulders.
One thing I would wish to remind people is to not share with your children things about your personal relationship with your spouse. Telling your children hurtful things about their parent doesn’t serve anyone – especially when it’s only told to make the child feel bad about the other parent.
February 26, 2010 at 4:42 pm
I hope noone minds, I didn’t think I got what I was saying across well — so I would like to clarify by saying:
Telling secrets are not supposed to be carthargic, it’s not supposed to benefit anyone — this is kind of the whole point.
IT IS WHAT IT IS!
That’s why there are *truly* no real secrets, there are only illusions upon illusions upon illusions.
And I think that’s really why EVERYONE loves Gail — because Gail tells the truth…. and we love it. We love it when she tells someone they’re delusional, we love it when she tells someone that they simply don’t make enough money… She cuts through the BS, and calls a spade a spade… and when someone does there song and dance, she takes one look and drops them with reality.
Love it! Love you Gail!
February 26, 2010 at 6:56 pm
I have a secret… someone close to me is thinking of leaving her husband (the father to her young children) over the stress – fingerpointing – and alienation – that money puts on their relationship.
I want to cry because it all stems from respect-placement and egos, and the kids deserve united, loving parents (they DO have the loving part in spades). If the man in the relationship doesn’t agree they need help then he will lose a wonderful woman, AND half the family income that is funding the sparkly life they have together. Like I said, I want to cry…
February 26, 2010 at 7:02 pm
Pol, I am so sorry about your friend. Please tell her not to rush ahead. The grass in not always greener over the fence and her children will suffer. She needs to fight to save her family….get some counseling. Divorce is a very sad thing.
February 26, 2010 at 7:22 pm
When Frank posted that post secret a few weeks ago it was immediately identified as a Starbucks card. The commenter noted that frequenting Starbucks probably doesn’t help with debt management.
February 26, 2010 at 9:00 pm
This is a different Sarah than the first poster. I agree that it looked like a Starbucks card. My first thought. So happy I am not crazy
February 27, 2010 at 12:54 am
Great interview w/ Slice!
I wasn’t sure about your new show when I first heard the name of it – but I’m starting to think it’ll be worth watching with some new and interesting content!
lovin’ the post secret – i just discovered this site a few months ago.
February 27, 2010 at 8:01 am
Years ago, when my Mom and sister decided to co-own a house, we thought my sister’s rented apartment would be perfect for our Dad. Imagine our shock when the landlord called my sister to inform her that they couldn’t rent the apt. to him because he had declared bankruptcy a couple of years before! We had NO idea!!
My Dad is an extremely private person, and I never thought that his finances were out of control; he had a great job, pension plan, RRSP’s, etc… and he was newly retired. He didn’t have a flashy car, or a gorgeous apt.; his money was spend on vacations he obviously couldn’t afford, and many nights at the pub with his friends. He did spend money on us (ie: weekly dinners out), but had we known how bad his finances were, we’d have done what we could to put a stop to it.
In the end, the landlord did end up renting him the apt., but it took alot of work on mine and my sister’s part to convince him that our Dad would be paying his rent on time.
That was my wake-up call… keeping financial secrets from your loved ones does come back to haunt you. My husband and I communicate much better about money than we used to, and it’s no longer the source of mild tension that it once was.
Gail, LOVE your show! You can’t begin to image the number of people you’ve helped!!
February 27, 2010 at 6:26 pm
I’ve followed PostSecret for a few years now. I see it as a place where people feel they can be authentic without judgement, and we have so little of that in our lives. Oddly enough, I have found that the most judgemental people are those who are the least authentic.
Gail, I think you’re fabulous and I value your authenticity, vivaciousness and passion.
March 1, 2010 at 12:21 pm
This is so true!!! The truth will truly set you free. I think the site is great and once you reveal a secret you can no longer be bound by it. Thanks for this post!!!
March 1, 2010 at 7:38 pm
Hm. My secrets fall into two categories: 1) other people’s secrets, and 2) things about myself that are completely without interest, relevance or entertainment value to other people and that it would seem excessively vain to bore them with.