Who’s In Charge Here?
Posted by Gail | Filed under Take Control
Petra called me the other day to say that she’s lost her job and she’s going to have to cancel dinner. “But it’s at my place and I’m cooking,” said I a little uncertain about her motivation.
“Yeah,” she said, “but I have to bring something and I don’t have even enough extra money for a bottle of wine.”
“I don’t drink,” I said, “so the wine wouldn’t be for me.” She laughed. She always brings a bottle of wine and she always drinks it, while I sip cranberry and gingerale.
“Okay,” she said, “I’ll come for dinner, but I don’t want to talk about how I’ve screwed up my life.”
Oy!
Petra can be a bit of a drama queen. She hasn’t screwed up her life. But she hasn’t exactly be living a well-directed life either. She’s one of those people who just drifts… into jobs, into relationships, into debt. She wishes things were different, but she doesn’t believe she has the power to make it so.
Accepting personal responsibility for your life is the foundation of having a full and happy life. Until you accept that every decision you make is YOUR decision, you won’t be in charge. And if you’re not in charge of your life, then just who is?
Sometimes taking charge means taking a good hard look at what’s holding you back. What’s sapping your energy? What’s making you behave in ways that are counter to your good health, financially and in terms of life in general?
Petra knows that part of her problem is that she was always told what to do – as a child at home, and then when she first went to work – so she never got in the habit of thinking for herself. Like many people, Petra can’t seem to look forward and anticipate the consequences, the what-will-likely-come-next, of her actions. And so she always feels like she’s being buffeted by life.
Sure, there are times when there are things beyond her control, but because Petra believes she’s a victim, she doesn’t exert any control over her life, as if all the things that happen to her do not happen to other people. For while we have no control over what is done to us, we do have control over how we choose to react.
Petra’s victim mentality has become an easy crutch. Because she chooses to not take control, she doesn’t have to act. She doesn’t have to face her flaws, doesn’t have to work on her weaknesses.
The day she decides to take control of her life, her life will change. Whether she chooses to read inspiring books about positive thinking, or work to exceed the expectations others set for her, or finally decide to set some expectations for herself, her first step will begin a long and wondrous journey full of hope and light. It won’t all be easy going. There will be set-backs. There will be disappointments. But having chosen to take charge of her life, Petra will no longer wallow.
So where are you right now? Do you see a little of Petra in the way you’re dealing with your money and your life? Are you ready to take the difficult first step and start to do something differently? Are you ready to take charge?
If you’re tired of where you are now, if you feel like a victim, if you wonder why crap keeps happening to YOU, it’s time to mull over the idea that maybe it’s because you aren’t in charge of your life. Maybe it’s time to take responsibility.
Pick one thing you want to change. Just one thing. One small thing. If it’s your money that’s been making you feel like a loser, start by committing to save $20 a month automatically. Set up a saving account today and arrange for an automatic transfer of that $20 every month.
Next, buy a book or do some research on the internet. Educate yourself about money. Then set some goals for what you next want to achieve. Maybe it’ll be tracking your expenses for a month. Or building a budget that balances. Or finally coming up with a debt repayment plan that will get you out of the hole. Take it slowly and build on what you’re accomplishing.
It doesn’t really matter where you start: your personal life, your financial life, your work life. It only matters that you start. As long as you’re not saving, you’ll continue to not save. As long as you’re being tossed around by the vagaries of life, you’ll continue to be tossed around. Only you can say, “That’s enough of that nonsense!” and take control. And you can. Yes, you can.
February 11, 2010 at 8:46 am
Great food for thought Gail.
I’ve been making some positive changes since the New Year. I’m tracking my food & exercise everyday. I’m running again & eating clean – I feel wonderful!
(My clothes are getting loose too!)
In terms of money, I’m working hard to not gather any new consumer debt.
I’m working on a plan to ensure I cover those *not every month* expenses like oil & the water bill. Our water bill is quarterly, and we don’t have the option of monthly or automatic billing so I’ve started to pay the equivalent of the monthly amount each month to keep on top of it.
Next I’m going to calculate our annual oil expenses and set up an auto transfer into an account to cover that. We burn wood so oil is not as regular for us.
I’m also going to look at setting aside a certain amount each month for planned purchases/slush fund. I need to crunch numbers a little more for that one.
I have been saving $25 biweekly for car repairs & servicing. That’s been a huge help!
February 11, 2010 at 9:23 am
Choose one thing you want to change. One small thing. And start today.
Very inspiring and goal achieving!!!
It’s been 2 months now that I have banned my credit card and I feel so much better both financially and emotionally. My cc balance is at 0$ and it feels great. So I want to continue it that path.
My other change that I want to make and start TODAY is setting up a Fun Money account. Since Ive been managing more seriously my money, Ive been making good changes in handling my fixed expenses but Ive completely put aside the thought of putting a small amount aside for fun money (i.e. hobbies:
I love jewelry making so my fun money will be devoted to buying beads). I was telling myself I dont need it but it doesn’t work. Handling your finances is not just about all work and no fun. And is what I realized and want to make the change. The amount won’t be very high, since I’m presently on mat leave, but it still will make a big difference.
February 11, 2010 at 9:25 am
Thanks Gail,
This is good reinforcement. I’ve started taking control of my career. I quit a job I wasn’t happy with (once I had built up enough of an emergency fund) to go into teaching and while I haven’t found a teaching job yet I feel like I’m on the right track. I’m volunteering in a school and trying to network, I’ve been focussing on my own professional development by taking courses, and I’ve been painting (I’m an artist too!) and setting goals around that. If only I could be as organized with food and excercise!
February 11, 2010 at 9:26 am
I battle the feelings of being the victim everyday and that I have no control. After being diagnosed with Cancer at 23 and getting hit by a drunk driver on Christmas day I sometimes feel that I have no control….yet I went to the other side, Obsessive Compulsive about tidying the house and money. It is crazy how your mind works.
February 11, 2010 at 9:41 am
Like Sunshine, I like the idea of just starting with one thing. (Congratulations on your progress!) I tend to spin my wheels a lot figuring out which goal to work on and I get a lot less accomplished as a result. Eventually, I do get frustrated enough with myself to get moving. But it’s a pattern that I haven’t been able to break altogether – yet.
February 11, 2010 at 9:41 am
Very timely post for me as I have been dealing with someone who isn’t in control of her life even though she thinks she is. Money isn’t an issue for her but Everything Else is. It has required a massive amount of patience to be around her.
February 11, 2010 at 9:54 am
I understand how you feel MiddleWay. I have more than a handful of Petra’s in my life. Sadly, the Petra’s in my life would rather pee on our friendships rather than take responsibility for their drama.
February 11, 2010 at 10:06 am
Gail,
Great Post! I think Personal Responsibiltiy is one we all need to learn. I have a sibling who according to him everything is “done” to him. He takes no responsibility for the bill collectors or the fact that they still live in a rented town house but eat out 5 nights out of 7.
I think the idea of changing one small thing is great…you can build on your accomplishments and move forward. Victim thinking gives your power away while taking responsibility increases your self esteem.
February 11, 2010 at 10:37 am
This one hit home Gail. I have been deceiving myself that I am in charge and in control and yet deep down knew I really wasn’t. That I was living my life always scared and feeling that “you know what” always happens to me. Of course I’ve also been trying to let everyone I know believe that I am strong and in control of my life. I’m going to take some small steps at taking control, starting with looking for a better job as I know I have the qualifications to do better than I am. This will help the financial ones as well.
Thanks Gail for all your inspirations and help.
February 11, 2010 at 11:07 am
Dear Gail, Thanks for a great and timely post!
And Erin, I am in awe of your courage and fortitude—press on!
February 11, 2010 at 11:10 am
Thank you Gail for the inspiring message. Yes, deciding to do one thing is a good step. This year I decided to do 2 things. One is to set-up an emergency fund (as it was recently depleted), and the second is to pay down the debt. Paying down the debt also means that both my husband and I are looking for second jobs, or part-time weekend jobs. It’s a slow process, but we are really trying to stick to the budget.
I will be so happy when our debt is paid off (except the mortgage), and then we can take a well-deserved holiday, just the two of us. I guess that’s our incentive as well.
February 11, 2010 at 11:11 am
Oh yes, I know a few Petras. They are exhausting. Quit your damn whining and do something about it. If you are complaining about the same things for years, don’t you think it is time to take control? Some people are much happier complaining, they use it for attention in some cases. OH Poor Me, do you know what happened to me, always THE worst case of illness the doctors have ever seen (not that they were taking care of their body before they got sick, and let the sickness go on for far too long before seeking medical help).
Sorry, venting. I have tried to weed out some of these from my life. They bring me down. We all have problems, it’s just some of us actually deal with them.
February 11, 2010 at 11:19 am
Hi everyone,
To anyone who hasn’t started, know that it works. I started two years ago with a desire to take more control of my health. I took a Healthy Eating course and 17lbs later felt great. I was not spending anywhere near the money on take out that I used to which also saved on gas and noticed money in my account by the next pay day. Then I found Gail’s website and took control of that too. Both my new food and money habits are old hat now so I’m ready for what’s next? Clutter in the house! 24 years of it. Wish me luck.
February 11, 2010 at 11:22 am
Always an inspiration!
You gotta take it one day at a time.
February 11, 2010 at 11:27 am
In 2005 I went thru a painful and expensive divorce when I thought I was ready to stand on my two feet I was hit with BC for the whole year of 2006. Lucky for me I’m cancer free, but during treatment I had time to really think about my life and what is really important. Something that can be really helpful are putting messages that are positive on your fridge, then whenever negative thoughts enter your mind control them with positive thoughts. Very soon that’s what you become. People always say I can’t believe how strong your are, but in reality all I did was make a choice, I am going to be on this planet for a period of time, my choice was to live happily rather than be angry during this time. I really hope this for all of you and hope you don’t need a life altering change in your life to realize it really is that simple.
February 11, 2010 at 11:32 am
How right you are!! I am determined to stick to the budget we made at the beginning of the year. So far we’re doing well! It helps when the whole family is involved; especially when both spouses are on the same page. Since saving (1/3 of gross income) is done automatically, it eliminates the need to remember to transfer money to savings/investment accounts every month. We’re happy because we have everything we NEED and things that we really want (i.e. zoo membership, Six Flags season tickets). I’m looking forward to the day when we’re done paying the mortgage!
February 11, 2010 at 12:13 pm
” she was always told what to do – as a child at home, and then when she first went to work – so she never got in the habit of thinking for herself.”
Oh boy does that describe one of my cousins. His Mom was nearly 50 when he was born and made every decision for him. Visiting them made me crazy. Now his wife makes all the important decisions because he doesn’t know how to or makes really bad ones. He is in a state of arrested adolescence though he’s over 50.
I’m trying to overcome my habit of procrastination. I am pretty good at seeing the consequences of my actions, just not so good at wanting to look at the consequences of my non-actions. I’ve made a list of very important things to do and am trying to tick the items off one by one. I’ve got 4 major ones dealt with so far in the past year.
However, life does at times kick you in the teeth (deaths, illness are not controllable/avoidable) and at times they all happen frequently in succession, so I’m just trying to get back on track after getting derailed.
February 11, 2010 at 1:15 pm
Holy doodles…this is me all over. The past week has been living proof (along with the Universe giving me a giant bonk over the head) of exactly how not in control of my life I am. I’m exhausted, emotionally all over the map, have lost my appetite and yet there’s still a little voice in my head telling me to just accept things as they are. Time and again over the past week I’ve read things similar to this (about respect (for yourself), trust (in yourself)) and it’s the same Universe trying to get through my thick skull about what I need to do.
If I accept things as they are, then I have no respect for myself and that is more telling than anything else that’s happened.
Thanks, Gail.
February 11, 2010 at 1:31 pm
Diane, good luck with the clutter. I found of all the things to take control of, that was the easiest. It looks like it’s insurmountable when you start but if you just do the teeniest little bit every day, it clears up and energizes you.
Erin, wow. Good luck period
I think we all wish we knew then what we know now, like we don’t need to listen to other people to be happy. As irritating as it is to learn all the lessons the hard way, I think that’s the only way it’s done. The important thing is that now I am making my own choices to be happy. I made choices then too, to please others mostly, but it was the choice not to deal with the guilt I would be made to feel. Now I say to hell with guilt but it can be hard sometimes not to feel it.
February 11, 2010 at 1:38 pm
I know I’m my own worst enemy but I’ve accepted that. I hate it when people come across thinking that they are in this situation because of anyone else but themselves. Sure outside influences can happen but it’s all in the way you handle them. To start the huge process of climbing out of debt I had to first accept responsibility.
regards,
Jason
February 11, 2010 at 1:53 pm
Gail,
thanks for this post, really you could substitute my name with Petra’s especially if you read my post from today.
I was wondering if you could comment and let me know what you would do.
http://commoncentsmom.com/2010/02/11/what-would-you-do/
February 11, 2010 at 2:34 pm
Ah yes – the ‘how did this happen to me’ syndrome. Same thing happen to me years back. I remember when I was a new home owner and looked at my first mortgage statement. I saw ‘red’ when I realized in black & white that I had paid MORE in interest than in principal. That’s when I became determined to pay that debt off ASAP.
A similar thing happened with my RRSP savings. I had been sold a ‘crock of crap’ (as our fearless guide, Gail, might say) and after paying the financial analyst their fee, had lost -6% or so that year. So that’s when I got books and got educated on how to manage my own money. This ‘take charge’ attitude helped me a lot one summer (maybe 2 yrs back now) when I saw my kids’ RESPs were losing $ – so I moved everything into GICs. This year one GIC came due at 4.11% interest – compared to what I can get today on a GIC – 1% – if I’m lucky. Yes – get mad and get education and by all means – take charge of your own monies.
February 11, 2010 at 3:02 pm
I started to take charge of my life when I started watching TDDUP, Gail. Big thank-you! ((((hugs)))))
What a difference, too. I feel so much more confident that I can achieve my goals. Stuff doesn’t “just happen” to me anymore. I do things to keep myself and my family safe. I’m saving now, for instance. It’s not much, but every month I save just a little more, and I’m seeing it grow more and more quickly. Part of the change was realizing how much I didn’t know (your show helped me enormously there). I’m a fairly resourceful person, so I’m good about doing my own research, but when you don’t know WHAT you don’t know, it’s a lot harder to do. Now I know what resources I need and I’ve been passing them on to my friends.
I’m thinking I’ll buy my friend (also a victim mentality type) A Woman of Independant Means for her birthday. Actually, I might buy that for ALL my friends. Maybe it’ll encourage her to independance (I’ve been finding it very empowering).
February 11, 2010 at 3:51 pm
Taking charge and making little changes has really made a difference for me. 3 years ago I decided to stop buying lunch during the workweek. I saved the money plus I was noticeably healthier. 2 years ago I decided to fill up my car with gas at the beginning of the week and fill it up the whole way. Ok, I know it sounds like a pointless change, but this instantly eliminated a whole lot of stress for me. I didn’t have to worry about filling up part way through the week on the way to work, or an important appointment and it made my life so much easier. Last year we stopped eating out several times a week and that has made a huge change in our savings. The best thing about it, isn’t just saving the money, but that feeling of “taking charge” that Gail is talking about.
February 11, 2010 at 3:56 pm
I have to admit that i resemble Petra in a lot of ways. Thankfully, I have started this year with a budget. Last year, I was tracking our bill payments and debt levels using paper and pen, this year I also have a spreadsheet that is more accurate, and self-adding
Thank-you Gail for having so much information and inspiration available.
February 11, 2010 at 4:14 pm
Life under control?
Make a list with THREE columns.
1- What I can control
(organise budget, follow budget, organise time, do my best at work, …)
2- What I have limited control over
(health, downsizing at work, illness in family, what kids will do, vandalism, …)
Note: leave a few rows between each of these item, you’ll see why…
3- What I can do to prepare in case anything in column #2 comes up
(different forms of insurance, emergency fund, will, living will, …)
Note: line up every option in column that helps you prepare for events in C #2)
Note 2: There might be items in column #2 that have limited preparation.
Then you have done the best you can and are ready for life events. The victim is ready. People only want to hear you whine for so long.
Does sh*t happen to me? Yes. Will I whine about it? Ok, I’ll admit that yes, I will whine. What am I willing to do about it? Prep the best I can (and have a bit of fun too).
February 11, 2010 at 6:16 pm
Well, we aren’t ever fully in control of our lives, but the best we can do is prepare and save. I decided this year is the year I’m going to finally be debt-free, and I’m determined to have the CC paid off by December 31st. I’ve written out my budget and I’m going to get there! My long term goal is to think about what I want my next career to be like. I’m moving to a new city in 2012 and thinking about what I need to do to prepare for that. Save and get some extra training are at the top of my list.
February 11, 2010 at 6:18 pm
Diane, good luck with your clutter! What Amelia says, de-cluttering can really make you feel powerful and in control. You feel the space around you becoming larger, and entropy receding. Also, decluttering gets you in the right frame of mind to live below your means: you look at the clutter and think, “I spent good money on *that*? What was I thinking?”, which is a tremendous help when you are tempted to spend money on some future clutter.
February 11, 2010 at 6:20 pm
I am lucky to have had a strong role-model in my mom. She may have stumbled financially a few times, but she has NEVER let herself be a victim of circumstance. In her career, relationships and home, she is at the helm of her own life. And when Ca-Ca hits the fan, she has the sense to know who’s fault it is when she finds herself in front of it! Likewise, she doesn’t expect anyone to clean up for her, she always takes control to fix it herself through awareness and education.
Every action has consequences. Making sure you know the risks before you leap into a decision is always smart. But don’t paralyze yourself by not doing anything either… awareness and education are important in all aspects of life, no matter how peachy it has been handed to you up to this point!
February 11, 2010 at 9:49 pm
I de-cluttered at work to take control of my work day. I find things faster now. I waste less time as a result and am more productive. Now I’m trying to de-clutter my house of 20 years of clutter…this is all after I took control of my financial life, learned lessons and tips from Gail and now am well on the way to an emergency fund worth 9 months of expenses without any income in or cut in variable spending. Thanks Gail!
February 11, 2010 at 11:43 pm
I work with a woman that is a ‘victim’. Anything bad that happens is something that is being done ‘to’ her. One thing that never occurs to her is that a lot of the time, she has made bad choices that have put her in that situation.
February 12, 2010 at 3:01 am
[...] Gail Vaz-Oxlade encourages her readers not to have a Victim’s Mentality in her post Who’s In Charge Here? [...]
February 12, 2010 at 7:44 pm
I find it interesting that when you start to take control of one area of your life then other areas seem to follow. Notice how people are saying now I’m eating healthier, losing weight and others are going to tackle the clutter.
I have found the same experience and even though it’s hard to delay the gratification in the end it’s so well worth it.
Gail is so wise as she’s combined her financial savvy with the human experience and that’s what gets results. Thanks Gail!
February 13, 2010 at 6:50 pm
You’re right, Gail. I need to whine less, get over myself, and be more of a woman of action. To that end, I commit to finding out what my credit score is and to finish researching TFSA/RRSP options by the end of the month. I commit to having the TFSA/RRSP set up in time to get an auto-withdrawal from my first March pay cheque. At that point, it’ll probably be my turn for your book at the public library and I hear there’s lots of good homework in there so working through that will be my next step.
Thanks again.
(p.s. I managed to get a copy of the Costco magazine you were in recently and I’ve posted the page that has the picture of you and the words “Tough Love” on my fridge to help keep me honest in my efforts)