Happily Ever After
Posted by Gail | Filed under Life Lessons
One of the things I am learning from working with my Princesses is that all that crap we see on TV has a HUGE effect on young people. The starlettes of television have created standards in appearance and behaviour that people now accept as normal.
Young women blow astronomical amounts of money imitating the looks of their favorite TV personalities. They want the same hair, clothes, and jewelry despite earning a fraction of the income. They blow gobs of cash emulating the image, often going into debt for a brand they have no business buying at their income level. They even go out and buy themselves designer dogs when they can barely afford to feed themselves.
We seem to have lost the ability to distinguish between our reality and the fantasy served up as reality on television. Is it normal to spend $1,600 for a pair of shoes? Maybe for a chick who has a daddy with deep pockets or earns a couple of million a year doing endorsements, but not for a run-of-the-mill shop girl. And yet there are loads of ladies who want to own the same brands, to wear the same names, and to live the same lives as the boob-tube babes.
Fantasy is fantasy, and that’s what TV and magazines are so good at creating. When a fashion rag spends endless pages deconstructing the outfits being worn by the latest hotties, it’s feeding fantasy. And while it’s nice to imagine that those fairytale lives could be ours, I’m here to burst your bubble. Not only are the fantasy lives we are watching lustily quite rare, most of those babes aren’t any happier for having the latest fashions at their fingertips or the hottest guy on their arms.
What a disappointment life turns out to be. Having imagined Prince Charming arriving on his trusty charger to carry you off into the sunset, we feel less blessed when Prince Charming arrives in a Dodge holding a beer. Hmmm. And if you thought that Princess was the woman of your dreams, imagine the shock when you wake up to find a wife who is exhausted from holding down a day job and cleaning up after the kids.
If you’re waiting for Mr. or Ms Right to come along to complete your perfect life, you are likely to be very disappointed. And if you’re waiting for the boy or girl you married to magically mutate into the fairytale spouse you image you should have, well, maybe it’s time to wake up and smell the coffee. None of us is perfect and you can’t change your frog into a prince no matter how hard you try. Nor can you take a regular life and make it into a superstar existence by buying all the stuff those richy-riches have.
Life holds lots of surprises. Many of us find ourselves in places we never could have imagined. Some of us are divorced. Some of us have been brutalized by angry mates. Some of us are just barely making ends meet and wondering how the hell other people always seems to do better. It can be very disheartening, particularly if you’re measuring yourself against all the pretty pictures that are designed to make you want another life.
You can waste your energy pining for a fantasy or you can recognize that having a great life does not mean having all the stuff other people have. It means making the most of what YOU have, and seeing the joy in what you’ve created for yourself.
February 5, 2010 at 7:08 am
A wonderful post Gail. From my days of travel I have learned that even though I am not a richy-rich, I am definitely at the top of the world. We have running, potable water in our house. We have a house and it is warm. We can go to a grocery store, a gigantic warehouse filled with enough food for everyone. Our children go to school and get immunized. We can have hobbies that make us happy and don’t have to slave in the field for 10 hours a day.
As for happiness being proportional to money, it probably plateaus after a certain point. Once you have enough money to pay all the bills, go on a vacation, and visit far away family, you don’t need any more. Obviously advertisers don’t want you to think that way.
If the horrible earthquake in Haiti showed anything it’s that through donations there is more than enough money in the world to make everyone safe and comfortable.
February 5, 2010 at 8:13 am
I am perfectly content with the life I have now. I really have no desire to upgrade. and I have even less desire to upgrade if that upgrade is going to be done using credit.
regards,
Jason
February 5, 2010 at 8:15 am
well said Amelia…great topic again Gail. True happiness comes from within and has more to do with giving than getting.
February 5, 2010 at 8:41 am
Working as a financial advisor I constantly run into people who are trying to live a life they cannot afford. Last night a client said to me that he chooses his credit card based on the best rates. I had to take two or three tries to explain that they all have the same rate IF YOU PAY THEM OFF.
I would love to have all of the fancy things in life but realized something a long time ago. You are who you are – not based on the way you dress, the car you drive or how big your home is. I’m in my 40’s and notice an alarming trend amongst our 20’s set – they don’t buy homes, they buy houses that will grow in value. Whether they can afford them is another story.
February 5, 2010 at 8:49 am
I try to avoid popular culture as much as I can, but it’s hard to shield our kids from it. Happily, it seems that lately my boys are getting tired of it all too. They love music, but were completely turned off by the glitzfest that the Grammy’s have become. The red carpet might as well be a magic carpet. It’s not real.
February 5, 2010 at 8:52 am
Amelia – I couldn’t say it better myself.
As for the princesses, I find there is huge difference in attitude of generations between women my age (34ish) and my cousins (18-24). When I talk to, and see pictures of my cousins & their friends on Facebook, I can’t get over the sense of entitlement they all have. They all think a trip down south a few times a year should be the norm and that they should have the nicest little sports cars, and dress to go out as if they are going to the Playboy Mansion or like they are part of the cast for Sex in the City. They have no problem expecting/allowing mommy & daddy to pay for this lifestyle. They expect they will be able to buy big houses that have it all. They go out for the evening and book a hotel room for the night, and drink fancy martinis. Mind you, I’m happy that they get out and have a lot of fun together while they are not tied down with children and other responsibilities. I just wish they’d take more responsibility for themselves and realize that they don’t need to have the best of everything to be happy. God forbid, appreciate having a good job! Oh I could go on for ages….
Don’t get me wrong, I love to dress nice and I like to have nice things but I am in the reality that I have to PAY for that lifestyle.
Drop $1500 on a pair of shoes – I’d die first!
February 5, 2010 at 8:59 am
Yes, it’s true. Crap tv, er, the crap on tv, has a huge effect on the young people of today. The older people too. It’s sad really.
‘Rich Bride, Poor Bride’ certainly shows those kind of girls in all their over-budget, indulgent splendour.
I had a chuckle at the Prince Charming/Princess/Mr or Mrs Right paragraph. I know so many people who don’t live the lives they were expecting because they married someone who fit their fantasy vision. Fortunately my rose-coloured glasses were knocked off at a young age. And after many years of actively searching for my Prince Charming and only meeting frogs, I stopped looking. And surprisingly, that’s when I met my prince. But he wasn’t driving a Dodge and drinking a beer… it was a Western Star and a coffee.
Over 10 years later, life is good… mostly in part because we don’t pine for what others have, and we compare ourselves to no-one.
February 5, 2010 at 9:14 am
Another timely post, after my darling husband tells me last night that I’m getting ‘old’…why you ask? (I know I did!). Because I’m not the same as I used to be…17 years, no kids, no house, no debt, no STRESS ago!
Ahhh, to live in a world where the house is clean, kids are fed, good income is being brought in by second person, laundry fairy and toilet fairy have taken care of everything, and a sex-kitten is waiting and ready…oh wait, said sex-kitten IS the laundry and toilet fairy that has fed kids and cleaned house after coming home from full-time job!
So you see, for some people fantasy can carry out LOONNNGGG after you’ve been married to the same person, but the reality is people change…charger and white night guy can turn into beer drinking guy just as fun-loving women can turn into harried mothers who have WAY more on their minds than how to satisfy their partners in some weird and wonderful way tonight.
My new fantasy now is to have alone time (after I’ve smashed darling husband over the head with a fry-pan for above comment and made him apologize profusely while cleaning toilets and laundry and cooking meals and picking up dog poop and cleaning the cat litter…fantasized about doing it…didn’t actually do it though.)
Sorry, I guess that was off topic and more of a vent today!
February 5, 2010 at 9:16 am
Its funny really to watch people add these huge tvs to their homes…to watch bs tv shows like who dun its,csi’s murdering killings and assaults, beatings and other nonsense.
Whats even funnier they have a neccessity(to them)a pvr to record the slop.
February 5, 2010 at 9:24 am
I see so much of this in the public elementary school I teach in. It isn’t an upper crust school….probably just mid to upper middle class. We have kids in Grade 3, 4, or 5 coming to school with cell phones or Ipod touches. We battle with the parents to explain that little Johnny really shouldn’t bring such exepensive toys to schoool as he might lose them. “oh he won’t lose it” they say. Really? hmmm he can’t keep track of the pencil he used five minutes ago, or his mitts, but the several hundred dollar item is good?
Parents get upset that Miss 9 year old can’t have her cell phone on during class. “But what if I need to get hold of her????”. Yes Ma’a'm, we are an up and coming school and we have phones in the office now and you are ever so welcome to use that number.
It is really starting to show distinguishing lines between the have and have nots, or better yet, the chooses to, and chooses not to.
This absolutely sounds bitter (lol) and it probably is today given that a ten year old lost their phone yesterday on the playground at recess (not allowed there either) and Mama blames the school and wants us to buy child a new one.
Many of the 20 to 30 something adults are definitely in Gail’s Princess category and you can see their belief and value system in the children.
It will be interesting to see how this evolves over the next generation.
February 5, 2010 at 9:26 am
John – good point. BIG TVs to watch crap.
I’ve been enjoying Golden Girls re-runs and laughing more than I have in years!
I miss the days of Saturday night good quality family programing….
February 5, 2010 at 9:58 am
As bad as things are today, it will only get worse so brace yourself. Get use to the term “you haven’t seen anything yet” because what we’re all experiencing in terms of the spend thrift lifestyle or live for today attitude is going to come back and bite us all with a vengence.
We haven’t seen the losses that we should have seen in the markets. Be prepared for a blood was in the credit market (financial services) and commercial markets.
On a positive note, we have the ability to establish emergency funds and live within our means so that when the mess does happen we can weather the store.
Great post Gail!
February 5, 2010 at 10:02 am
Great post! I definitely see the ‘difference’ between a lot of the younger generation (early 20s) compared to 30’s & beyond. I am very glad to have always had a non-skewed view on reality. I’m content with what I have, and while money can definitely make life easier (if you use it properly), having that COACH bag, Jimmy Choo shoes & designer jeans won’t make you happy if you live an empty life and hang your hopes on materialistic items.
February 5, 2010 at 10:02 am
Something that you came SO CLOSE to talking about but missed is that all those other people running up debt to fake the boob tube life can end up feeding a sense of inadequacy for people who are trying to live on a budget.
This is something my hubby struggles with. His ex has new cars, new vacation property, new house, frequent vacations. He wonders why we feel broke all the time. I keep telling him that we are doing OK, you can’t compare your life to other peoples, and we don’t know what her debt level is (High, I suspect. Even with the child support she makes less than we do). None the less he feels bad that our life style is less lavish than hers.
It doesn’t bother me one bit. We are doing fine. We have minimal debt, a nice (if older house) and when we buy a new (or new to us) car this year, we will have it paid off in 10 months. I feel no need to keep up with the Jones, but I recognize that I am in the minority.
February 5, 2010 at 10:18 am
Yikes – Jolie! I am a teacher too and am shocked by the material things so many very young kids have. Not only that, but I don’t know a single child who actually receives an allowance and is required to save for these items. It is sad to me that so many of our children have no concept of what it costs to purchase these items or that they’re even extremely lavish.
One family in my classroom is currently selling 2 year old appliances from their house because when they moved in this year they were black and they wanted stainless steel. When did we become a society where the colour of our appliances was worth so much??? Seriously?!
February 5, 2010 at 10:19 am
A lot of time today is looking for the next best thing, or partner or what ever is new. A lot of people in debt think that this will make them feel better and be liked more by everyone, meanwhile they are very unhappy.
Here is a great quote that I like
“Be happy with what you have and are, be generous with both, and you won’t have to hunt for happiness.” – William E. Gladstone
February 5, 2010 at 10:47 am
I giggled when I read “quality family Saturday night TV”. Do you remember what we were watching? Well I guess I’m older, we were watching the Love Boat (think about the morals going on there, jump in and out of bedrooms), Fantasy Island (more giggling), Charlie’s Angels (no objectifying women in that show). There was sex everywhere on TV, and the language was terrible. Just set up the kids with a DVD of a movie from your childhood (ie ET) and pay attention to the language, Oh My.
I don’t know if there is a generation gap, I think there have always been certain people that feel they are entitled to all that glitters. Think back to your High School years, I’m sure that you will be able to think of a few people that expected Mom and Dad to foot the bill for certain brands of jeans that you weren’t wearing, and their Italian leather purses. They weren’t the people I was hanging out with. My friends were more into saving their money for University, and splurging on a ski trip.
I’m also sure that your parents could probably think of a few people that always seemed to flaunt what they had. It isn’t a new phenomenon, it is more wide spread though. Could it be because we grew up with all the toys, and when we moved out we just assumed we could keep up with that status? My parents were very busy giving us all the opportunities that they missed out on. What we forgot, was where they started out. We should have to start out at the same place. Crappy old cars, tiny houses, second hand furniture. We have missed out on the sense of accomplishment of being able to save up and buy a new sofa. Somehow our parents forgot to teach us that.
February 5, 2010 at 10:58 am
Sorry, I did more thinking on this subject. Maybe our parents actually taught us this entitlement.
My parents had crappy old cars, and small houses, and used furniture, until I was a teenager, and things really got good for them. When my marriage broke up last year, my father’s biggest problem was “the beautiful house” that I would lose. He kept coming back to that, not if his little girl was not happy in her marriage, but your going to lose this beautiful house. I was not impressed, needless to say. His priorities had gotten messed up. I guess to him I had finally “made it”, and now I would lose it all. I tried to explain that a house doesn’t make you happy. Odd that my parents don’t understand that. My mother LOVES new homes. And my father LOVES new cars. He would buy one every year if he could afford it. They never understood when I took their old car and made due for years, they kept saying to me to just buy a new car. It’s funny that I haven’t gone into alot more debt now that I think about it. Wow, I’ve done damn well for the upbringing I had.
February 5, 2010 at 11:03 am
Now there is something I’m NOT willing to spend money on…$1000 shoes!
If success can be defined as getting what you want, than happiness is definitely about wanting what you have.
February 5, 2010 at 11:27 am
This is a great post Gail, short – but sweet!
It’s true that we really need to be happy with what we’ve created for ourselves not what we think other people have that makes them happy.
February 5, 2010 at 11:50 am
I’m still laughing at Michelle’s post above! I also agree with Jolie as I volunteer at our elementary school, and cannot believe how many young kids have cell phones and higher priced MP3s. My daughter, 8, bought herself a DS (not the DSi) with her own allowance money. She saved up for it. Her friend got the DSi (with a camera) for Christmas, and she asked for one herself. I told her – if you want to upgrade, then start saving for it, but your DS works fine. She hasn’t mentioned it again. “Santa” brought another friend an Ipod Touch. OMG!!! I show my girls the prices of items like that, and then tell them how long it will take to save up for it. I see kids at the school who barely have a lunch and don’t have very good winter clothes, and then on the other end of the spectrum are the “princesses”. I just hope my two girls realize how good we have it – a nice house, food on the table, and each other. Like it was said above, Haiti sure shows us how bad it can be.
February 5, 2010 at 12:00 pm
I think the distinction between 20- and 30-somethings is a little false, as the age range of couples on TDDUP demonstrates (I haven’t seen the new show yet). 10 years ago many 30-somethings were the 20-somethings who wanted to live the Sex and the City lifestyle and blew their money on fashion, or cars, or nights out, etc. 20 years ago, we 40-somethings were doing the same thing. (I won a scholarship at the end of high school and I spent it — all of it — at the bar. In those days, we didn’t book hotels for a night out, of course, we just drove home drunk.) It’s quite common to a) make decisions that look pretty dumb later and b) think that the future will take care of itself when we’re young! That said, the general level of expectations and sense of entitlement has risen dramatically across our society. Who taught the 18-20s to expect everything? Their 40-something parents, who bought everything they wanted, from new cars and shoes and phones and big-screen TVS, often on credit, and did the same for for their kids.
February 5, 2010 at 12:01 pm
I am not sure where I saw the following cited (it may even be this website) but it seems relevant to today’s topic:
“Epicurus pointed out that troubles entailed by maintaining an extravagant lifestyle tend to outweigh the pleasure of partaking in it. He therefore concluded that what is necessary for happiness, bodily comfort, and life itself should be maintained at minimal cost, while all things beyond what is necessary for these should either be tempered by moderation or completely avoided.”
February 5, 2010 at 12:02 pm
Jolie and Jennifer.
The children you discussed sound like the norm. It is easy to see where they get their attitude from……their parents.
My 9 and 11 year olds also want a cell phone and and Ipod touch but I told them NO. They can have a cell phone when they are in grade 9 and the Ipod touch will be allowed when I feel they will take care of it. The 9 year old has actually saved up enough of his own money to buy an Ipod touch and I still told him no. I know his personality and he will loose it. Was he made, yes. Too bad.
We are still the parents and have the right to tell them no and we need to start stepping up and seeing that a child that young does not need those things.
We, the parents, have become part of the problem and we need to fix it.
Since starting this journey I explain finances, at their level, to my children. They understand buying something on sale and budgeting their money for things that they want but I am not willing to pay for. They also understand that I will say no if I feel they don’t need something or that it is just expensive clutter.
My children will be better equipted to deal with money then I ever was. That is my gift to my children. One I wish I understood better at a younger age.
PS Michelle…….we all have to vent sometimes. I am okay with it. Vent away. LOL
February 5, 2010 at 12:29 pm
The excuse “but what if I need to contact my son/daughter” for preteens and teens having cell phones is just plain silly. What did we all do when we were in school? If I wanted to phone home, I used a payphone. Anything to happen afterschool would be discussed the night before or that morning. Emergency? That is what the school office is for. Now I have to take away cell phones on a daily basis. As much as I do love my ipod touch, I know to not whip it out and start playing with it at inappropriate times. Wonder why kids aren’t doing so well in school? Perhaps they are a little distracted? My first day back in the high school system a few years ago I was shocked at how many kids had their earplugs in during school hours saying ‘they can’t concentrate without it’.
/end rant.
As people have been saying I don’t think the generation gap is specific to this decades crop of 20-24 year olds. It just is happening in a different form and is way more obvious thanks to the internet/facebook. However, I’m in my late twenties and I have always gotten along better with my older friends. BUT even some of them do things that make me wonder.
February 5, 2010 at 1:16 pm
Educating should start in the home. The parents are the first example children are exposed to. If parents are not willing to show and teach their children about what is really of value in life there is no counter balance to the media’s insidious messages which start earlier and earlier in the lives of children these days.
We live in a very materialistic era and parents should not be giving in to every whim of their children nor focusing their own life on buying the latest/newest/most expensive. Since when do we need 4000 to 6000 sq. foot homes with all the latest appliances/decor etc. to be happy? Since when do kids need an entire room filled with toys? their own tv? designer clothing?etc. Spend time with your kids instead of working long hours to buy them (or yourself) the latest stuff. When my parents died it was the love and time spent with me that I treasure forever and am so thankful for not the stuff or lack thereof.
I still remember one boy in my class (an only child) whose parents gave him everything and when he turned 16 they bought him a brand new convertible. He died in that car within a year and several classmates ended up injured as well. His parents live everyday with the choices they made in giving him everything he wanted.
I’m pretty level headed but even I have to constantly remind myself of what is real and necessary if I watch too much HGTV and start wishing. Gail’s blog helps readjust my thinking each morning (thank-you Gail!). It would do everyone as fortunate as we are here in North America to have to spend one month a year volunteering in a third world country. Maybe everyone’s perspective would get the adjustment it badly needs?
February 5, 2010 at 1:31 pm
Michelle, that is the best post I’ve ever read!!!!
February 5, 2010 at 1:37 pm
I seem to be surounded by people who what it all, but they all differ. One has to have the latest in clothes, the other has all the electronic gadgets and is looking ahead for her next purchase, and a family member has to have all the latest home improvements and new car to show off.
Personnally I don’t get it. I don’t see their fun in purchasing what they do. Is it in having these items? Is it in showing them off? Is it to fill a personal void?
I have to admit I got pretty excited last January when I decided to purchase a high end digital SLR camera which I had the money in my savings to pay for and all its accessories. Its not for having a camera, since I havn’t had a camera since I was 8 and its not to show it off since the people I mentioned above have 2 to 4 cameras each. Yes its to fill a void. I’ve always wanted a camera since I went on disability to give me a reason to get out, something to lookforwards to, and it has enhanced my quality of life. But as excited as I am about my new camera I still don’t get why people always want more.
Michele: I loved your post! If you need to vent, go girl! We’ve all been there and we understand you.
February 5, 2010 at 1:38 pm
My kid’s school has a ban on electric gadgets and clearly states in every newsletter that the school is NOT responsible for any peronal item lost or stolen at the school or on school functions.
Of course we are also told not to drop our kids off in the firetruck right of way on the road, but DOZENS of parents do it every day making quite a dangerous bottleneck for traffic and scary hazards for the walking children! I don’t understand the entitlement that so many of the PARENTS have let alone all the kids.
Since when did the rules not apply to them?
iPods, Nintendo DSi, cell phones, and dozens of other expensive toys gadgets bulging out of every designer hoodie pocket as they dodge the badly placed cars on the road…. and I live in a modest income neighbourhood.
My darlings are forced to leave any gadgets at home, I tell them the rules of the school, and just because other people break them doesn’t make it okay for us to. I hope the lesson is heard. I also ask them how they would feel if they lost or broke the item, that always goes over like a lead balloon!
February 5, 2010 at 2:05 pm
I agree with Liz that there are plenty of financially irresponsible people of all age ranges. The 20-somethings learned it from somewhere. Television has had a major impact on all generations since its inception.
As for people complaining about kids with cell phones and iPods, this strikes me as typical generation gap fare rather than as evidence of profligacy on the parts of parents or children. Every recent generation has had some technological gadgetry that the elder generation thought was a waste of time or money, and/or their kids shouldn’t have that at their age because THEY didn’t have that at their age. Previously it was television and rock and roll music; now it’s cell phones and iPods. There’s nothing illegal, immoral or fattening about spending money on those things if they can be afforded in the family budget.
February 5, 2010 at 3:02 pm
Fantasy “lifestyles” may be generation/gender specific. The majority of women I know in their 60’s got married, bought a house, and then stayed home to raise their families, during their 20’s. The majority of women in their 40’s I know found a decent job, got married, bought a house, and had kids in their 20’s. The biggest difference now is that almost all the women in their 20’s I know, have 1 or 2 degrees, are not married and have no children. This leaves a really high disposable income that no one targets better than the women’s lifestyle industry (makeup, clothes, accessories, spa procedures.)
Their spending today isn’t just fueled by a mindless need to consume, although that might play a part in it, but it also has to do with changing goals and options. I don’t think there is anything wrong if they choose not to purchase a house and instead choose to travel. And as long as they can afford their “fantasy” who are we to judge???
February 5, 2010 at 3:26 pm
Seems like I got a lot happier when I stopped watching those home reno/flip this house shows on HGTV. I got even happier when I stopped watching those makeover shows like what not to wear. $5k on clothes is just not realistic. lol
February 5, 2010 at 3:33 pm
I deal with this quite a bit but I am sure we all do.
I am in my mid-twenties and I have some friends who live quite simply and others who have to have the best and only the best and are constantly talking/bragging about their new “things”. I also have a aunt who is fifty-something and rarely talks about anything other than her new this and new that, upgrading to this and vacationing here. It drives me nuts especially since she has NO money set aside for retirement and its rubbing off on her three daughters who are in 20-30 yrs old. They all live above their means, get their mom to pay their mortgage when they can’t, etc.
I think its all about your personality and how your were raised rather than what generation your part of.
February 5, 2010 at 3:40 pm
Rita and tlily > I think you just helped me realize how easily I am influenced by those shows. I was watching a home makeover show yesterday evening while on the treadmill and all of sudden I am thinking … “wow, I really have to get on top of decorating our family room, I can do this and that and that will help it look better”.
We just finished renovating our house but we ran out of money to finish the decor and window treatments in the family room and with the wedding coming up it hasn’t been priority for us. Here I am watching this show feeling guilty that I have left my family room so stark and “ugly”.
Now I have realized that I have done that because I can’t afford to spend the money right now and I shouldn’t feel guilty about it at all. I was actually be smart about it. Those shows are evil! Haha … I don’t think I will be watching them again!
February 5, 2010 at 5:08 pm
This sense of entitlement is why I’ve had to quit teaching. I no longer spend my days begging students to put away their DSs, cell phones, ipods, etc., let alone follow the rules and not bring them to school at all. Then I had to take parents’ phone calls to explain why I’m “picking on” their son/daughter for not allowing them use of these items. This sense of entitlement continues with parents thinking that exceptions should always be made for their child, that consequences are for others.
It strikes me that parents are trying to show their love for their children by giving them everything and trying to make everything easy for them. Sounds good on the surface, but it doesn’t build learning experiences, character, discipline; it builds their sense of entitlement and sets them up to fail. I constantly see parents in competition with each other in terms of how “successful” their children are.
February 5, 2010 at 5:11 pm
I have to agree with the statements that it’s not a person’s age so much as their state of entitlement…which can be any generation. My hubby and I are in early 30’s and I can assure you there is/was no problem with indulgence. Our debt started with school expenses (and those degrees for younger females listed in a comment above as compared to having babies in 20’s? I worked hard for the knowledge and the funds to pay for it…prior, during and after. I don’t think those choices affect the entitlement situation. If anything it can assist a female should she find herself in a single/single mom situation later in life and needing to provide on her own.)
I got my 1st cell phone 6 months ago with an employee 1/2 cost discount and still don’t have iPod or game systems…even though we watch our tv on a regular basis. We may want things we see but we don’t get up and buy them just because it’s on tv or in a magazine.
Just like Gail teaches on TDDUP, it’s about discipline/self control.
February 5, 2010 at 5:17 pm
Manisha I agree with your statement “I don’t think there is anything wrong if they choose not to purchase a house and instead choose to travel. And as long as they can afford their “fantasy” who are we to judge???” to a certain point. If they have money saved for their old age, house repairs, medical, etc… as Gail suggests then yes we have no business in their business. These individuals should enjoy their money while they have their health and can really afford it. But those around me who buy like there is no tomorrow say they can afford it but most really can’t. When some are milking their elder parents for money, have no stable future, no savings etc.. I find it hard as someone who cares and loves them to completely stay quiet. I try to suggest Gail’s ways but leave it to them. Its their life.
However one is taking advantage of my parent, even though that parent allows it, it hurts me to no end. Their overspending not only affects them but the whole family. Many people are affected by it. I can’t talk to them because I get blamed. So I have no place to talk about it, but here.
February 5, 2010 at 5:31 pm
I often like to avoid stereotypes and want to avoid saying that things were different when… but the documentary on helicopter parents (I had heard about that before) is scary. I hope that the children of those parents have a chance to discover who they are and what they can achieve. There is a groing difference on the average way in which kids are raised and agree that the environment is a greater factor than the generation label. It would be hard to give 5-6 kids the same attention as one can a single child, so things do change.
http://www.cbc.ca/documentaries/doczone/
I expect that I had more than my parents in some ways (stuff), but less in others (too protective). However, rules were to be followed. So kids can be given things (wihtin the budget), but I want parents to teach them to respect boundaries.
February 5, 2010 at 6:28 pm
I couldn’t agree more! I don’t need a $6,000 bag to make me happy. I’m perfectly content with the silver Sportsac that I got on eBay for twelve bucks. I’m a lifelong frugalista, but I will splurge occasionally on something that feeds me emotionally – like tickets to a Broadway musical. We have to re-think our priorities!
February 5, 2010 at 7:08 pm
I know a few of these Princesses (and a Prince or two) and I feel bad for them. They have no clue what they’re spending or why… They think that a particlar logo splashed on their handbag or red soles on their shoes will make them a better person, give them happiness. But all they end up with is more debt and more stress. They like to act carefree, as if all is good in the world and they have no concerns. But every now and then the thin veneer cracks and you can see the darkness festering within.
Of course, most of the time they manage to bury their heads back in the sand and go buy something else they feel they deserve, just to feel good again, but at what cost?
For some reason they never learned the lesson that happiness is found within so they continue to look for it outside themselves – in a mall. How do we teach them a lesson they didn’t get when they were young? It’s a scary proposition because some of them never get it.
Is there a law on how many times you can claim bankrupcy in a lifetime? I have a friend who is in her mid 30s and she’s well on her way to a 2nd bankrupcy (not counting the consumer proposal just 5 years ago.)
So sad.
February 5, 2010 at 9:25 pm
While I’m in my 40’s, my nephews would conceivably be the age that my kids would be (22/19) if I had any of my own. They grew up making lists at Christmas from when they were little boys. I struggled as a woman in my 20s to think of gift ideas when my now late parents asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I certainly think it does goes back to how you are/were raised. While atypical in that my mom worked outside the home, I am from a family of 4, and we never participated in extra-curricular activities – it was just too expensive to put 4 kids into ballet, soccer, judo, skating, hockey, etc. although I can’t really remember as many organized sports as the kids these days participate in. I do feel, from my own experience, that my nephews have definitely grown up with a sense of ‘entitlement’. They are clueless as to what things cost and never were taught to save for things that they really want. Their parents simply bought (buy) them whatever they want. Start a job making $10/hr – no way – they want to start at the top making $20 and up. It behooves me to understand why my nephew’s generation can’t fathom earning their own keep and working their way up the pay scale? I’m glad I am a child of the 70s – nothing has been handed to me and I have worked hard to have what I have.
February 5, 2010 at 10:04 pm
I was brought up in a family of only 2 children but we were not rich by any means. We has to save our meager allowance to get anything we wanted that we could do without since our parents didn’t have the money.
I have payed off my debts, such as a student loan and an expensive bad house repair myself while on disability. I now owe nothing and have always saved for the things I want.
My sibling is the total opposite. He will buy to show up the Jones and then some. He saves nothing so when anything goes wrong he gets into deep financial trouble over and over and expects family to bail him out – not me anymore since I stopped that years ago seeing it wasn’t helping him and hurting me.
I don’t understand why 2 people raised in the same open financial environment could be so different. Why does he feel entitiled when I feel I have too much.
Gail I wish you could explain this phenomena.
February 6, 2010 at 9:10 am
I grew up in a family with 4 children one brother, an elder sister, and I have a twin sister…we all had everything we NEEDED and MUCH of what we WANTED…of course wants were less back then…(I’ll be 44 this year)…we always had a family vacation every year…we went camping on the weekends…we always had a birthday party…at home where my mother prepared the food and baked the cake…Christmas was always a nice celebration…nice gifts (3 or 4) and good food..my mother MADE us save money…didn’t matter that we earned it ourselves..we lived under her roof and followed her rules..simple…we all had the opportunity for a college or university education that my parents would have paid for…(2 of us went to college and two of us got good full time jobs right out of high school…that was still possible in the late 70’s and early 80’s)…we all got XX amount of money for our weddings…to put towards the party or for appliances or whatever…and not one of us was deprived!…now, I have two boys of my own…one is 17 but due to his severe autism he is a perpetual toddler…( a very adorable 6 ft toddler..lol..but, that’s for another time)…the other is a 15 year old typical teen that WANTS and WANTS…but he doesn’t simply GET GET GET…my kids always got 3 presents at Christmas…something from Santa, something from each other and something from us…simple…one birthday gift and a party…simple…Tyson gets a weekly allowance, and Brody gets his weekly treats from the grocery store…simple….Tyson LOVES computers and electronics so when he wants the next big item he buys it himself!!…his birthday is 3 days before Christmas so for the last few years everyone in the family has been giving him money for bday and Christmas so that he can simply pool it together and get what he wants…and yes he has some savings too…he even has some set aside for ‘emergencies’ as those electronics can need costly repairs from time to time!…We are getting back to simpler more basic living in this house…it’s more peaceful and less stress…and no one is suffering…two weeks ago Tyson had 3 friends over for movies and pizza…they wanted to order their pizza in…for 4 teenagers it would have easily cost them about 50.00…I offered to make them hot dogs and pizza for dinner…plus pop and chips…total cost for me 20.00…cost for them 0.00…they were quite happy…they were well fed and they still had their money in their pocket…slowly, they are seeing the light..lol…
February 6, 2010 at 1:32 pm
Jennifer and Jolie, I too am teacher who sees the same thing. This past Christmas I asked each of the kids to write a journal entry about what they were hoping Santa would bring. I was shocked. 3 kids wrote that they were asking for a Quad!! There were mulitple I-Pod Touches, cell phones and D.S.I.’s. Imagine my relief when I read someone still hoped for a simple Barbie. This was the student who I already knew was receiving a hamper from the school. At least one family was in touch with reality…
February 6, 2010 at 5:06 pm
Sometimes I feel like I’m about to get banned from this blog, cause I seem to be taking a counter-approach a lot lately. Anyway, here goes…
1) I think its very easy to get into the whole ‘the next generation sucks’ position but as some posters above pointed out, we’re individuals, not collective clones. There were materialistic folks in the 1920s, there will be the same in 2020.
2) I don’t think kids are anymore materialistic today than back in the day, the products have changed. Ipod touch replaced the $200 sneakers (or joined in addition to).
3) To those who say kids are entitled and want to skip the entry $10/hour job, ummm hells yeah? There’s no honour in earning $10/hour if you can get a job earning $20. The problem is if you can’t get the one earning $20, but that’s not entitlement, that’s delusion.
4) I’m a father and want my son to understand how much things cost but also how capitalism works. Which is why when he’s 10 and is saving up for an itouch or whwatever, he’ll also have to come up with some money to invest in apple – or whoever the manufacturer of interest is. If he buys it and loses it, so be it. Life goes on.
5) There’s nothing wrong with enjoying one’s successes. There’s starting to be an undercurrent on this blog – not just this post – that buying items is somehow wrong, if the item is in the wrong category. In other words – expensive shoes – bad, lots of frozen food – good. Nothing wrong with having nice things an dplaces to live, if you can afford them.
February 6, 2010 at 10:25 pm
I have to say I do agree with some of you comments Geoff, if you have worked hard, budgeted correctly, saved (saving) for the future and don’t let credit run your life there is room for the nicer things, otherwise what have you busted your butt for.
I set goals early and at 46 have met them all, house paid, e.f. well supplied, son’s education fund ready for 4 more years, rsp well funded and a 25 year pension under my belt (so far). I have nice cars, go on vacation but live within my middle class means; I know the value of a dollar and have instilled that in my son.
What you teach your kids about finances will mould them into the savers or spenders they become in the next generation.
February 6, 2010 at 10:57 pm
With the media in your face constantly, it can be easy to get caught up in the “keeping up with the Jones’” mentality. My husbands family, for example, really suffered from it — fortunately, his parents have gotten out of it….unfortunately that happened in their 60s.
As for kids and their sense of entitlement for stuff — I saw it when I grew up in the 70s/80s (I was the only one at the new school wearing homemade clothes, and nondesigner stuff)……and I see it today with my 12 year old (classmates with yearly trips to Disneyland and Costa Rica, cellphones, iPods, designer clothes, attending the Olympic games in China!!!!!).
It can be hard to accept who you are, and not fall for what the media tells you to be. I can only hope to install honest self value in my child………but hopefully he won’t have that self entitlement other posters have talked about.
February 7, 2010 at 1:19 pm
Great post Gail! Interestingly there’s a gentleman that I work with who really wants to marry his girlfriend. His girlfriend is a very attractive 24 year old who works for a beer company promoting their products at bars and festivals in Western Canada. She’s a partier – and it appears that she makes enough money to support herself and her lifestyle. She seems to love her job.
This gentleman has concerns that she’s not taking her future seriously enough and he’s been pushing her to apply for nursing school (she has no education above high school).
I don’t say anything but I definitely think this is a path down a wrong road. From where I sit I think he should accept her as she is, rather than hope that she’ll choose an “acceptable (to him)” career after they get married.
I think I might try and gently direct him to this article.
February 7, 2010 at 3:05 pm
Wonderful post.
(LoL, I’m watching your show now as I type this, and I bought your book yesterday. Can’t wait to read it!)
February 7, 2010 at 4:09 pm
@Jennifer – I actually stopped watching a lot of the home-finding shows on HGTV and such because I got so pissed off at most of the families featured on that shows. They’d reject a home because the appliances were black instead of stainless steel, or weren’t quite modern enough… I’m 23, have lived in rental suites for the past 4 years, and haven’t had a frigging dishwasher since I left my parents’ house. I’d give my right arm for a dishwasher, forget stainless steel appliances. =/
February 8, 2010 at 4:14 am
Wonderful post! I completely 100% agree with you. We really are bombarded with images from the media of celebrities who have it all. We are bombarded with images from magazines, editorials that show beautiful people wearing beautiful materialistic things (like LV bags, Chanel purses, expensive watches, $200+ jeans) and young people nowadays are drawn to that. I find (in my city anyways) that young people are becoming materialistic and people start looking at what you’re wearing, what you drive, rather than who you are to assess whether they consider if you “fit in”. I cringe when I see teenagers (who look like they’re in high school) wearing expensive $200+ jeans.
I hope that my future offspring won’t be demanding $200+ jeans– I’ll make sure of it!
February 8, 2010 at 11:22 am
As a parent of two 20 something boys born in the 80’s and a 9 year old girl I have seen a couple of generations of offspring. I agree that every generation has fads/behaviours that parents condemn or don’t understand. My father thought that listening to Alice Cooper would make me commit suicide
But there is a greater sense of need for ‘immediate gratification’ in the last couple of generations. I believe that was brought on by technology (first remote controls to mute commercials and watch several shows at once, then vcr’s so you didn’t have to plan to see a TV show and of course recently instant messaging, etc.) Think about how frustrated we get when we have to wait 30 seconds for something to download on the internet!
I found it a challenge to temper this behaviour in my kids. We never had the newest gaming system. Seems we always bought the out of date one because it was cheaper. But when I have conversations about debt and saving for purchases and living within your means now I get replies like “everyone has debt – no big deal” right up to “I can always claim bankruptcy if I have too because it isn’t my fault that they gave me credit they knew I couldn’t pay back”. REALLY! I grew up in a family that emigrated from Scotland, with a yearly family income of under $10,000 in the seventies and my parents did not owe a cent to anyone. We paid cash and we lived okay. Nice neighbourhood and I never felt that I didn’t have what most kids had at the time. My kids never got that attitude on money and debt and bankruptcy from us. My husband and I have worked hard and lived mostly within our means so I am flabergasted that my kids say stuff like that. They had an allowance, were expected to work to pay for extras and still I got attitudes like that!
The 9 year old gets an allowance of $8 per week and she puts $3 in a savings account. She saves for stuff and understands that we can go shopping and not buy anything. She is aware of prices and over-buying. I do believe that no matter how consistently you give them the message it comes down to their personalities and sometimes outside influences. That’s why people from the same upbringing can be so opposite.
I still do my best to get the message across. Maybe someday….
February 8, 2010 at 2:43 pm
I grew up in a low income family and now am married with a combined income that puts us safely into the middle class. We don’t want for anything, really. Hubs and I both work and are successful so he is not my financial saviour, HOWEVER, he was raised with a sense of entitlement I struggle to correct in my children today.
The thing that’s most difficult to overcome??? IN-LAWS
They are generous to a fault and have the financial means to shower my children with gifts despite my repeated requests to the contrary. It’s a power struggle that has defined my marriage and my husband wants no part of being in the middle.
My children, as yet, are not snotty and my oldest understands the value of money but they don’t understand what effort and length of time it takes to earn that money.
Try and instill a sense of gratitude into a 3 year old who is on her 3rd Nintendo DS because she broke the other two (clearly not responsible enough to own one or even know how to operate it yet anyway). It’s incredibly difficult.
For my 6 year old’s birthday, I’m encouraging her to donate her gifts to a children’s charity. We’ll see if it works.