Fuzzy Focus
Posted by Gail | Filed under Goals, Life Lessons
Have you ever caught yourself thinking, “This just CANNOT go on?” You know that wherever you are now is not where you want to be. You know it. Yet you do nothing to change.
People spend a lot of time daydreaming about how their lives could be different. They wish they could escape from whatever trap they feel caught in, be it debt, a crappy job or a miserable home life. Their minds wonder. They wish. Sometimes they get angry at themselves, at their partners, at their bosses, at their friends, at their children, at life. Sometimes they get sad.
If you’ve experienced this sense of not moving forward, this sense of drifting through your life, you’re going to have to decide if this is what you want the rest of your life to be like or NOT.
Young people often experience this sense of not heading where they want because they’ve done a lot of what they’ve done simply to meet the expectations of their parents, teachers, or other influencers. There are the people who get married early because how it’s done in their family or in their culture. There are the people who head into careers they have little interest in because someone else thought it was a good idea. And there are the people who buy a home, taking on debt they’re not psychologically prepared to deal with, simply because “only losers rent.”
While approval from the people you love and admire may be important to you, it’s not enough to keep you happy. For that, you actually have to figure out what YOU want. And then you have to get focused to GET what you want.
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned on my life journey is that I can only be happy when I am being Gail. After years of trying to meet other people’s expectations – and failing miserably – I figured out that I’d rather be disliked for the person I am than for the person I’m pretending to be. So I got real. And now if a body doesn’t like me, she’s free to find another place to be.
The tendency to be fuzzy about who we are goes for just about everything else in life. If you drifted into a marriage, drifted into a job or career, drifted into a new home, all because it was what came your way, it may be time to take your life back. That means getting in touch with your real self.
- What are you passionate about?
- What do you love?
- What do you hate?
- What makes you happy?
- What makes you sad?
- Who inspires you, and why?
- What do you wish was different about your life?
Very often we send ourselves signals that can help us decide what it is we really want so we can get focused. It may be a book you read that strikes a cord. Or a conversation you have with a friend. Or a moment of total clarity in which you suddenly realize what’s really important. Just as often we push those signals aside without paying enough attention and we miss our cue.
Take heart. Another will come along. It may be a touch of envy that makes you sit up and pay attention to what you think is missing in your life. It may be a day-dream, an “I just wish I could” moment, that you can catch and study. Or you may find yourself getting really P.O.’d because what you’re doing is pointless and unsatisfying and you really hate Monday mornings.
Sometimes we fall into the fuzzies simply because whatever we’re doing used to work for us, but we’ve changed and it no longer does. Or we’ve already invested so much energy in a particular direction changing course now would be “a waste.” We’ve become so settled, so habitual about our lives. And now, while we know how we got here, we feel caught in the honey of a life we really don’t want.
If that’s not good enough, then it’s time to be brave. Figure out what you really want and then drum up the courage to make it so. Try. And try again. Read books like Martha Beck’s Finding Your North Star. Talk about your dreams with your friends and family. Set a goal. Set another goal. Make the life you want.
It’s often easier – if much less fulfilling – to stay fuzzy on what you want from life. Drifting is always about going with the current and it takes less effort than heading in a defined direction. Sure, if you’re drifting you’ll keep moving, but you’ll also be dependant on the direction of the current, and susceptible to the tides and eddies of life. If you’re ready to pick up the paddles, you can go anywhere you want.
December 7, 2009 at 7:22 am
My 21 yr old is presently suffering from the fuzzies.
I will forward him today’s blog.
We are hoping that some recent travelling has helped with a bit of focus.
Maintaining that focus is something we all need to work on at different times of our lives.
December 7, 2009 at 7:48 am
This blog is also going to my elder son. He is in a state right now wanting to make sure that the next step is the right step for him. When he asked for my thoughts about how his possible plans might seem to me, I said it was in his hands. He has to shape his destiny and that we as parents will stand by him in whatever he wants to do. This comes after two courses at College and no job offers in these fields. Today, is the first day of your life. Go for it and don’t ever give up.
December 7, 2009 at 8:48 am
I’m glad that in my career I’ve never had a case fo the fuzzies. I’ve seen the fuzzies in my brother and they are not good. he’s had more jobs in 3 years then I plan to have in my whole working working life. being who you are is much easier then pretending to be someone other people want you to be.
regards,
Jason
December 7, 2009 at 10:16 am
“The greatest thing is this; to be willing at any point to give up what you are for what you could be.”- Dubois
This is a brilliant post Gail. It’s all fine and well to fix the budget, fix the house, get a new job, but if it’s all just a distraction from the real underlying problem, it’ll never work. Even if you say “I want to be debt free”, the real question is why? If you had more financial freedom what would you do? Leave the bad job? Travel? Those are the true things that are you.
December 7, 2009 at 10:19 am
I truly believe that by talking about our dreams and goals with others we do ourselves a service, so much that they will become real. The concept behind Think and Grow Rich and the Secret, is basically to think positive things, surround yourself with positive people, share your dreams, the end result is that we will feel compelled to make those dreams reality because we have held ourselves accountable to all that we’ve shared with.
A great post to remind us to get out of our comfort zone and be ourselves. Do what makes you feel happy, as long as it doesn’t infringe on the rights of others.
December 7, 2009 at 10:31 am
I too had a bad case of the fuzzies. I was a full-time teacher for many years. I LOVE teaching. I can’t stand the politics of the school environment. I was very unhappy and couldn’t figure out a resolution. Fast-forward two mat. leaves and a move—–Now I teach distance education. I mark assignments on-line and on paper and consult students on the phone. I also substitute teach at a school where the teachers trust me to “teach” the students and not simply “watch while they do paperwork” I get to do what I love best and spend time with my kids. My schedule is hectic- but flexible . It’s not easy figuring out what will make you happy. Honestly- I was all set to leave the teaching profession forever-But thanks to some good friends( a great husband) and some perseverance everything worked out.
December 7, 2009 at 10:57 am
Like Jenn b, I get great satisfaction from my work. I just do not like the office politics and the de-humanizing way they treat people. I’ve found I do better when I am there less. As long as I can continue to afford to work less, I can still help people and not let the rest of the stuff bother me to no end!
December 7, 2009 at 11:01 am
Life on autopilot does not a happy person make!!! It does not matter how old or young you are, your life must be guided by a sense of purpose and a feeling of reaching for a goal that has been set by you. As you so succinctly point out, too many people have a fuzzy focus, and are guided largely by vague aspirations set by people writing commercials, parents etc. I learned this the hard way–always trying to please others and help others reach their goals, without realizing how much i was shortchanging myself. It has required a great deal of courage to step out of that dance, but I am very glad I did. It is not easy though–many years of a certain mindset must be reprogrammed. Kudos to those who are sending the article to young people.
December 7, 2009 at 12:04 pm
I too once had a bad case of the fuzzies when I was 17 through 22. Then, at exactly the right moment I read a quote from Lee Iaccoca on one of those quote of the day calendar things. I never forgot it: “So what do we do? Anything. Something. So long as we don’t just sit there. And if we screw it up, start over and try something else.”
I’ve never look back since.
December 7, 2009 at 12:20 pm
I’ve found myself there – crying so hard I thought I might pass out – and decided NO WAY!!! I just couldn’t take the stress any more! I still have some work to do to really decide why I want to be debt free. I wasn’t able to focus until recently and am working on the direction in my life, but that’s half the fun isn’t it – I think you have to try different things in life to see what it is that makes you happy and what doesn’t “feel right”.
Good luck! And it’s true that no one else can decide for you!!!! NO ONE! So go get ‘em!
December 7, 2009 at 2:50 pm
I agree that focus is important. I find it really easy to get distracted from my goals when I try to pursue too many of them at once. For the past couple of years, I’ve found the investing climate to be too confusing, so I pulled my money out of the market. It hadn’t been there long, so I didn’t suffer any losses and I avoided last year’s catastrophe.
Instead, I decided to focus on paying down our one remaining debt: the mortgage. We are receiving a guaranteed 5.49% (our rate) tax free return. That’s better than anything I’ve seen anywhere else and I can sleep at night. Once the mortgage is paid off, I will start investing again.
December 7, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Some BIG questions here Gail!
I have to admit, I am uncomfortable tackling them so early on a Monday morning. Of all the things I am “fuzzy” about the most, it has to be the state of my children’s education. I am simply NOT the right temperment to teach my kids so home-schooling is not an option, but they are having so many struggles with public school that I feel trapped and helpless about their frustration and disapointments. If I could change one thing, it would be that I had the right stuff to help my kids! Is it something you are born with? Or can infinite patience and the ability to engage kids be learned? At this rate, they will struggle in agaony with the education system until they can’t take it anymore and either drop-out, fail or swear off higher learning. None of these options are appealing to me as their mom (I’m University educated). I’m not saying they can’t have satisfying lives as drop-outs, I just KNOW that it limits their options as an adult sometimes too much to make some dreams acheivable. And the scars from how you remember the classroom setting really affect your anxiety about adult education.
December 7, 2009 at 3:04 pm
*pol – I could have written that submission – but my children are only in Grade 2 and already I feel they are being set up for failure
December 7, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Ditto on the education posts! My grade 4 son is struggling to learn in a system that is really letting him down. If it weren’t for the hours of extra learning we do on the side, he’d be so far behind I wouldn’t know where to start to help him catch up. I fear for the future grades, as the curriculum gets meatier and deeper, I don’t know how much I can help him. I am not a teacher, I do my best, but I don’t know if I’m doing it right. My educational goals for him are not being met in the public school system. I feel powerless to make a change…
December 7, 2009 at 3:46 pm
Brilliant and well-said. For my first 33 years I lived my life a certain way because I was ’supposed’ to. I was good, and I was very good at being good. But it wasn’t what I actually wanted. Now I am giving myself the freedom to discover that, and it’s liberating.
I am thankful that I’ve been sufficiently responsible with finances that I can give myself this gift. Pursuing my passion would be considerably harder without money in the bank.
December 7, 2009 at 4:31 pm
hmm, speaking of focus…we just had a 7 year old boy here in cape breton missing since saturday. he has autism and from what i understand he barely speaks, we had a beautiful day here on saturday and this is what he was dressed for. on sunday we had blizzard-like conditions as well as all morning. they found his dog late this morning – which allowed them to find the boy 1.5 km from his home in the woods unconscious but with a faint pulse and was airlifted to the children’s hospital in halifax. he’s still in critical condition. we sometimes get so consumed with things that we forget and lose “focus” of what is really important…
just thought i would add that today – puts things in perspective just before christmas – it’s not about what’s under/around/on top of/outside of the tree…
have a very merry christmas everyone!
December 7, 2009 at 4:49 pm
This post is well timed for our house. We just had a big discussion with our 20 year old son about him hating the course (accounting) that he is in at College. He said it made him physically sick to think about doing this for a living and he could barely get to school. The problem is he first said this to us in October. We told him to research what other courses there were at the college, the requirements and whether he could switch into one of them for the winter semester. Fast forward to December and he still hates the course but has done nothing to figure out what else he could take/transfer to. The problem is he has these ideas (like he inquired about broadcasting school and the school has called him 3 times and he has not returned their calls.) But when you talk to him about whether or not he is returning to school next semester (we are paying) he says he may drop out that semester and work to get togther the money to take this broadcasting course (in the states and he would need reliable transportation that we cannot/will not pay for) as well as he would need a loan because we can’t pay for that either. Now he hasn’t even called them back to see if he qualifies or if the course actually interests him but he is making life altering decisions based on nothing. So while my heart is breaking that he is floundering right now and I sure don’t want him in school doing something he hates I feel frustrated that he’s avoiding putting the work into researching his decisions or fulfilling his goals. I know we have to let them make their own mistakes but I feel a plan like “I’ll drop out of school, get a full time job, and save money until I know what I want” is just foolish when he hasn’t put any work into it and he knows full well the job situation here is bleak.
I don’t know how to get through to him that simply saying something will not make it come true. Hard work is required. I envision further battles about him not working and lying around because there is very little work available here.
Thanks for allowing me to vent.
December 7, 2009 at 5:02 pm
Fuzzy focus must be definitely the problem I am experiencing right now – I am discouraged by everything around and have this overwhelming feeling of helpnessness and being trapped. I have some vague ideas what I would like to do but I can’t see how I could achieve these things. Last years (or I should say all these years here in Canada because I am in fact a newcomer and to be honest I don’t really know when I stop to perceive myself this way) instead of being best years of my life are rather one of the worst. Time is passing but I haven’t been able to figure out most of the things for myself and unresolved they keep coming to the surface. I don’t feel good at all about where I am as an individual, employee, woman, daugther, sister etc. I am so confused and lost, I try not to think too much about some things because probably I would drive myself insane but I am aware that it doesn’t help me at all, the problems/issues remain unsolved and I am emotionally and mentally in the middle of nowhere. I hate all these feelings and I feel really unhappy (probably I just don’t want to admit it to myself).
December 7, 2009 at 6:33 pm
Leslie,
As the mother of an unfocussed son (21) I empathize wholeheartedly.
He dutifully went to the local university the first year. We let him take his second year off and he dutifully returned last year.
He simply doesn’t know what to take and it breaks my heart because he is REALLY smart but really only has a passion for playing the guitar.
Since I don’t feel I worked hard as a single mother for 12yrs to have raised a busker, it really p#*#*#s me off.
We sent him to Europe this fall (in lieu of a semester of school) with the hopes he would find a path.
I cross my fingers that he will find a way and that I will find in my heart to support him in his decision even if it is not my “brag worthy” motherly path I had so dreamed.
It just irks me so much when he has been afforded so much more support ($ and moral) than I had been at his age. I just want him to take advantage of it while he can. (He does acknowledge and is appreciative of this support).
I try and give him some slack. We still enjoy him around and he isn’t afraid to work to get his spending $$, and is well aware that he will now have to cough up for rent.
I just have to let go of my dreams and let him follow his own.
I take comfort in the knowledge that most of his decisions these days are not life-altering. He may just take a more circuitous path.
Hang in there.
December 7, 2009 at 8:32 pm
From the ages of 17 to 22 I floundered. I hated university and wanted to leave at Christams my first year. I begged my parents not to send me back, they sent me back and wouldn’t let me quit. I flunked out instead, as I had no motivation for being there. Went back to the same University a few years later and hated it again. So I dropped out and worked full time, still floundering in the world. At 22 I had my only child, and ended up graduating from a different University a few years later. I so desperatly wanted to go to school in Ontario after graduation, but chose the safe route career wise, and the decision to rasie my only child close to her extended family.
I ended up in a job that I liked at first, but slowly began to feed into the negatitivty that surrounded me and ended up suffering from major bout of depression. Things changed for me, when I decided to focus on the positive sides of my job. I changed my attitude at work, and those I spent my time with while working. Fast forward a few years later and a huge career change, all because I chose not to sit on the sidelines at work, complaining about this that and the other thing. The ironic part of the story, I’m in the career that I wanted whe I was 17. My only child gradautes fro high school thing year and I’m encouraging her to do what she is passionate about. Fingers crossed she listens to her mom. So a former flounder is saying at the age of 40, if I did it, so can you!
December 7, 2009 at 8:54 pm
Sometimes the ‘fuzzies’ are just a way to sit and wait it out for some though. It’s not necessarily about the mass confusion that comes with deciding a career, a school, a new career, a new job, paying off debt, whatever. It’s just a way to catch your breath first. I feel like every career choice I’ve made has been about opportunities that arose when I stopped fighting the wind, so I’m learning that fuzzy is a good thing in my life nowadays. I need 5 year plans for so much in life, and none of them ever come to fruition, so now I’m happy to bob along these days, work my good enough job, pay off my good enough debts, and wait for inspiration to slap me upside-the-head, likely as my own children are heading off to new experiences. I think I’ll try to live vicariously through them for the first bit though, before I live like a wandering gypsy and my husband thinks I’ve lost my last marble!
December 7, 2009 at 10:42 pm
Gail, hubby and I watched back to back episodes on Slice this weekend and I wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you being you. There is no fuzzy in who you are, here on your blog and on the show. While that may only be a glimpse of who you are, what I see is someone who really calls people forth into their best selves. You ask tough questions of people, around their values and their dreams, and help people see that they can achieve them. As a coach myself, I consider you more than a money maven, you are a financial goddess and coach extraodinaire. We, your fans and followers, get to experience the defuzzing of our own lives by your measure of being true to yourself and calling on us to be the same.
Great blog, and I am thankful for the universe that you blogged this today. Very timely for me.
December 7, 2009 at 10:53 pm
Another “late bloomer” chiming in…
As best as a childless person can, I appreciate the fear that parents have wanting to get their children established…but honestly very few people have a super clear perspective on exactly what they want to do for The Rest of Their Life when they are in their late teens/early twenties.
After careening around from job to job and degree to degree I’ve found my passion now. But that time wasn’t wasted. It was crucial. Until you get out there, fail a bit, get your hands messy etc. it is all hypothetical. Self awareness really must be earned though finding yourself in situations where you can clearly say, “this is SO not me”.
From my experience – the best gift a parent of an early twenty year old can give to their struggling child is the belief that everyone has a place in this world. Some of us just take a little longer to get there.
Those are my thoughts anyways – much love to all you great parents out there.
December 7, 2009 at 11:06 pm
I had the fuzzies when I finished high school. The only thing I knew for sure was that in spite of good grades, that I had no interest in going to university. Not wanting to be a burden on my parents, I started work the first month after I graduated at a job I thought would be enjoyable. But by year three I hated my job. I took a few months off and ended up being hired on the first job interview I went to. I had never ever considered working in that particular field but decades later I’m still in the same career. I was lucky I found a job that I love, that has never bored me, employers that were super, and co-workers that for the most part were/are terrific.
I am considering a job change when my employer retires in a few years. I have a case of the fuzzies whenever I think about this, but I know I need to start mapping out some possibilities now as to what I want to do. It’s unlikely I’ll be so lucky as to twice in my life drift into the perfect job.
My problem has always been that I have too many interests and it is hard to settle on a particular course. Also the older one gets the more one has to consider if the retraining is worth the investment if one is planning on retiring in 10 years.
December 8, 2009 at 1:38 am
Beautifully-written Gail.
Falsely-lulling oursleves into the comfort of what we have come to accept as just “our life” or “the way things are/ always have been” could be as much of a slight sense of comfort as a greater source of discontentment.
I find that in North American society, we’re often encouraged to simply “go with the tides” because it’s what “other people are doing” but in regards to establishing our own identity, I find that that way of life simply isn’t good enough.
We’ve been given this chance on Earth — this ONE chance — to truly live up to our full potential and to find what genuinely satisfies us inside-out, so that once we reach a certain level of contentment, we can do the same with others, helping them on their own personal journeys to self-discovery.
So here’s to taking charge of our destiny!
December 8, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Rainbow, perhaps you can talk to a counselor about your career path, or other topics. If there isn’t a counselor perhaps then a friend who is sensible and a good listener…
December 9, 2009 at 2:24 am
Wow! Great comments… I went to private school for a few yrs. Home sschooling witch was okay until I couldn’t teach & understand the subjects. I took a florist certificate in high school wicth than I found out most flower shops wanted to teach u with the way they did it… And didn’t willy want to see extra schooling I took. Got married at 21 than just expected to have kids but they still haven’t come along. Finallly accepted it!! Stress at another pt florist got to the top ofit all.. Let that dream aside ( even though it was my Moms dream to continue in it..) now still a Homemaker with another pt job as the humble job delivering flyers.. ( that’s right
everyone who reads this flyers. U don’t make anuf
money in first month until u know ur houses n route
than I make a good salary. I enjoy it alot!) Couldn’t
handle anymore stress of what owner n customers bought into the door, since hubby bought home his share of stress of his work. I get my exercise, feel healther hubby helps with pt job and enjoys fresh air since his always working inside. Stress level of job gone like not much of it exit. Mom not happy that I don’t continue in florist career but we’re happy & that’s what matter most since we live with each other. Now we r paying debt off n keeping it off to be more a head in live than living pay tooo pay…
It’s amazing how kids leave upto parents expectations untill we move out n find our own way in world.
To all u parents out there! Its not the degree witch make ur kid happy is finding the right job that he/she seem right in! Now I’m 28 n switch from being a florist that with all the stress. I’m happier even though I know it bothers my Mom that I don’t practice as florist & older sis who thinks that to get a goodp
paying job u need a degree in something which u don’t. It’s just a greet idea of the world we live in today. That really u learn the career on the job. My hubby is a trademan with out a college education n he has brains but u dont need college degree in somethings in live just patience to learn on job n slowly climb ladder.
December 12, 2009 at 4:21 am
This is what I have. Right now. I think my SO is feeling this way as well. I have experience in retail, hospitality, and manufacturing. I am trained in hospitality management and driving (AZ ontario commercial licence). There’s not a lot of hiring in any of those areas, so I’ve been drifting for a while as a temp worker.
At the moment , I’m kinda-sorta thinking real estate or helping others in my situation. Home inspector, real estate agent, book keeper, accountant. And because of current debt levels, I find myself limited.
All I can think is, this year has been better than the last, and the next will be better still, so if we can hang on, our optins will change.
December 12, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Wow, it’s nice to see others with the same “issues”. I’m 50 and can’t seem to get it right. I’m either to worried about Money generally or as my wife says “not paying attention at all” I love my job and do well, but it’s my life that is in issue. We are trying to start again, but it is hard to get out of the fuzzy head i’m stuck in! I know I have to step forward and just start , but ……….. Thanks Gail. If I have to go through this post & blog everyday to try to start I guess I have to!
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