Choices
Posted by Gail | Filed under Life Lessons
It’s pretty interesting to see how different people choose to live their lives. On my way to Victoria recently a young lad greeted me and told me how much he loved the show. He was on his way to Calgary to go to work. That’s right, he lives in Toronto, but commutes to Calgary for his job. Turns out that to be happy he had to give up about half his income and move a significant distance. Does he miss the money? Well, it took some adjusting. He ended up putting himself on the Magic Jars to make his money management more visible. But he seems truly happy with the choices he’s made. He doesn’t bemoan his change in income although he did have to make some big adjustments. And he relishes the joy his choices have brought him without focusing on what’s missing.
We all make choices. And very often we can’t conceive of some of the choices other people make. I live a two-hour commute from the city where I do most of my work, although there are times when I must commute even further to work with my peeps. But I don’t resent the commute, or whine about the time spent in my car, or bitch about the fact that I often have to leave wherever I am at 4:00 a.m. to get to where I’m expected next. I’ve made the choice and I’m happy with it. On the days when I must work 16 hours including my commute, I don’t hate my life. Long days are the choice I have made to have the life I’ve chosen.
The same rules should apply to how you choose to spend your money. And yet people make choices that they later bitch about or totally discount, pining for the things they must forgo. There’s the guy who buys a car, only to become completely dissatisfied months later. He trades that car for another shiny new vehicle, piling up the debt as he goes, only to find it wasn’t really what he wanted. So he finds something else he thinks he wants. Or the girl who buys herself a beautiful new pair of shoes. They’re expensive and they’re pretty and she’s happy, until she sees another new pair of booties that catch her fancy and then she’s whipping out her credit card again, convinced she must have these new shoes to be happy. Or the couple who decide they want to have kids so they make a baby. They’re happy with their lives until they realize that they never seem to go out any more. They begin to resent their choice, feeling trapped by their change in financial circumstances and their lifestyles, and wistful because they can’t afford to go out three nights a week for dinner.
Whether you’ve bought a home and now have to forgo vacations because your housing costs have gone up, or decided to go back to school and have to take a pass on all that clubbing you used to do with friends, each choice comes with its ups and downs. Being willing to accept the downs along with the ups is part of being a grown up.
Sometimes people resent the choices they’ve made because they made those choices with very little thought or planning. Home ownership often falls into this choice arena. People assume that they should buy a home and never spend much time considering what they may have to give up to be able to afford it. Ditto having kids; people find themselves in the family way without having given much thought to how they will deal with the reduction in their family income and the additional expenses and time commitment.
I’m a big believer that you can have it all, you just can’t have it all at the same time. But I regularly receive letters from people who think they can have it all at once. They pack their life-buggy full of everything they want and then get to the checkout only to find they don’t have the resources to make it work.
Once upon a time we could fool ourselves into believing we could have it all because whatever we didn’t have in the bank we could always put on credit. That kind of thinking has seen individuals pushed to the brink. It’s also given us an economy built on credit that will never be repaid.
The question I’ve been getting from the media most often these days is this: Do you think we’ve learned anything from what’s happened with the economy? Y’know what, I don’t know. Time will tell, I guess. If people have finally recognized that spending tomorrow’s income today to have it all at once just leaves us with a cartful of stuff we can’t pay for tomorrow, maybe the misery will have been worth it. More likely than not, as soon as the going gets good, we’ll get busy throwing all the stuff we think we deserve into our life-carts, damn the cost today and in the future.
November 27, 2009 at 7:54 am
Great message Gail. Currently in life I’m very very content about the choices I and my wife have made. The job change I had close to a year ago has brought me nothing but real work satisfaction and it’s tougher then the last job I had.
There are always down sides to every choice. In our situation I’ve accepted them and it’s been great for our well being.
regards,
Jason
November 27, 2009 at 8:21 am
“You can have it all, you just can’t have it all at the same time.”
I like that one!
November 27, 2009 at 9:22 am
“each choice comes with its ups and downs. Being willing to accept the downs along with the ups is part of being a grown up.”
AMEN
I don’t care how old you are….if you don’t THINK before making big life choices and then you complain/resent the after effects, then you aren’t a grown up.
I know far too many folk my age (40 is the new 20 you know
) who haven’t grown up….and far too many folk in their 20s who think they can have it all, all at once.
November 27, 2009 at 9:37 am
I’m with Jolie-one of the cardinal traits of being a mature adult is accepting responsibility for your choices.
November 27, 2009 at 9:47 am
I agree that a sign of maturity is accepting the consequences of your actions/decisions.
People will always complain though. It’s easier to crab and blame others than it is to accept the fact that you screwed up.
Kudos to those who deal with their problems/bad choices, and move on.
November 27, 2009 at 10:21 am
Do you think we’ve learned anything from what’s happened with the economy?
Reply: No, not really. Changing people’s habits are very hard (and old habits have a habit of coming back to you as well). You must celebrate the folks who have learned from this past economic implosion and are living within their means (and pray they stay on that course), and you must hope for those who haven’t learned.
Choices can paralyze us, because of the fear of the unknown, but all decisions can be good or bad, just depends on how you deal with the consequences of the choice.
November 27, 2009 at 10:30 am
When “having children at some point” came sooner rather than later, it was a big surprise for us. He gave us the final push to make the big choices, the “yes I need to go back to school because my current job is killing me and that’s not the best I can be to look after Baby”. We already had a financial plan in place so it was easier to see how feasible these choices could be, even on a reduced income. That was quite liberating.
In this whole Now Now Now culture it can be hard to look at the curtains which in no way match the bedding which in no way matches the wall colour which in no way matches the carpet and not do anything about it but I have to step back and let the irritation go because I’m an adult and I’m looking at the big picture on behalf of my children. Our choices may mean we have much less stuff/vacations now but our children will look back on Christmas memories of fun had at home.
November 27, 2009 at 10:37 am
I think it’s pretty ridiculous that the media actually believe that people would be able to change their behaviour so drastically just because of the recession, when the push to consume continues to be the biggest message sent out by the media. All we need to do is look at how long it has taken for people to realize that overconsumption with food has caused a North American health care crisis and that people are DYING and killing themselves from overconsumption of food. And still, people struggle immensely to change their behaviour of overeating and learning how to eat in moderation. The only way we can overcome this as a nation (to which I am lumping us with the US perhaps unfairly…) is if we stop obsessing about our global image of being “the best”. The countries who are healthier, less wasteful and spend their money on social programs like education and daycare are those ones who believe that it is better to give to society than it is to have a whole whack of stuff to show off. Let’s face it, in both Canada and the US, we are very far off from this ideal. Some extremists would probably argue that we are a socialist country, but all you have to do is look at the health care, education and day care crisis’ that we live with each day to see that as a whole, we are still very divided.
I think it is important that we realize that although personal choice is important, the influences of our media to overconsume is so strong that it is not surprising that people are confused. Heck, even those who believe they are making sound, thought-out choices often end up confused because they didn’t have all the correct facts when they thought they did.
This change has to happen one voice at a time. I hope people on this board talk openly about their choices and beliefs. I try to as much as possible in my day to day life and people really do look at me like I have three heads quite regularly. It is astounding to me how many people truly and honestly believe that budgeting is a waste of time. Some people have consumerist drives that are so fundamentally intertwined with their ability to give and show love that they can only conceive of someone not participating in Christmas consumerism as cheap or perhaps experiencing a crisis.
That was a bit of a ramble… I just wish there were an easier answer to this problem.
Jenn
November 27, 2009 at 10:50 am
No. Having kids is not the same as making a decision about shoes. This is a very misleading article. Postponing having kids because “you can’t have everything at the same time” is not the same as delayed gratification from not buying yourself some shoes.
Only women who have not gone through the pain of trying to have a baby and failing again and again because of advanced age (35) are oblivious to this. I wish for them happy oblivion.
November 27, 2009 at 10:52 am
I think the biggest thing – that is hiddenly echoed among the posters thus far, is that the choice you make today will have consequences later in life – both good and bad. Consumerism is still big – I agree Jenn. Our job is to learn from the economic down turn that the choices we made to get us in debt have come back to have hugely negative consequences now.
I am so glad I’ve found that joy costs nothing, and happiness is not tied to your credit card, or bank account, or pocket book. Happiness is the tangible feeling you get when you aren’t buying things to make you happy, but living life to make you happy. Joy can come at the most interesting times – watching squirrels play on a tree-lined street. Watching a new puppy learn to obey it’s master and sit at a crosswalk. These are moments of serenity, joy, happiness, and things that give your heart that little sigh to have been a witness to it. A new pair of shoes is nice – as long as it’s shiny and new, but how easily we are swayed by the 13 other new and shiny pairs we could just as easily love.
I love these reflexive posts – especially on a Friday when the weekend is getting closer with each passing minute.
November 27, 2009 at 10:55 am
Jennifer, I wish you lived next door to me!
pj
November 27, 2009 at 11:14 am
Right on Colleen! Well said!!
November 27, 2009 at 11:17 am
“Or the couple who decide they want to have kids so they make a baby. They’re happy with their lives until they realize that they never seem to go out any more. They begin to resent their choice, feeling trapped by their change in financial circumstances and their lifestyles, and wistful because they can’t afford to go out three nights a week for dinner.”
that’s my husband. resentful. except he still goes out/eats out while i stay at home with the baby. some days i feel like a single mom.
he’s always complaining that i’m all save/save/save when he wants to LIVE. dude, if you helped out more with the baby, i would have the energy to have fun. and if it weren’t for the fact that we don’t have enough savings, i would love to spend too. i love being a mom and our new routine, but i resent him for making me the sole responsible ‘adult’ in this family. i’m jealous of my friends whose husbands research investments, spends all their free time with the kids and wife, and plans for the family’s holidays and future. how do i get him to grow up? when we got married i thought he would be a great devoted family man. he’s resenting his choice now and so am i.
November 27, 2009 at 11:51 am
I think part of our now now now attitude comes from the fact that things are presented to us like people magically wake up financially stable, with a PHD, a nice house, and good relationship.
Everything we look at takes planning, work and maintenance. No one tells you that the person who maintains their shape works out 6 days a week and has certain food choices. No one tells you about the days that start at 5am, the therapy bills, or the sacrifices or palnning that goes into the end result. We fall for it everytime…….
November 27, 2009 at 11:51 am
Grace, I feel for you. I have a friend in the same situation. She was at home with the baby and trying to being financially responsible as possible while he would complain about how they have no life and would go out with the guys as often as possible. She ended up breaking down and telling me everything. I was very grateful I could be there for her. I told her maybe you should try telling him exactly what you told me, whats the worst that could happen?
She did and he did start to try harder. Of course their problem didn’t go away overnight but its slowly improving and she feels hopeful. I don’t know maybe you tried this already but I wanted you to know your not the only one in this situation and the best way to handle it (i think) is to be honest with him on how you feel and try to work out a plan to address each of your concerns.
Good luck.
November 27, 2009 at 11:55 am
Consummerism is thrown in your face so much its astounding. Earlier this year I let my Costco Executive membership card carrying status expire. I pay cash now and forking out the extra $100 that week to purchase what I needed plus the card fee was not in the budget… superstore was.
Anyways last night I went back to renew my membership, but I wanted a Gold Member card $55.00. The person helping me said he had to call a manager because I was downgrading my membership.
I lamented and said I’m not downgrading. I’m upgrading. I went from executive to NO memebership for many months and am now upgrading to a membership. Moments later the manager showed up and told me how wonderfull the executive membership was and outlined to me exactly how much money I spent prior to May of this year. She also shared that because of my large volume of buying how much rebates I received.
I smiled and said “Yeah, and since I’ve stopped shopping here in May my credit cards are now zero and my LOC is now zero and I plan on keeping it that way. Then I asked her if she was going to let me have a membership or not.”
The first person who was helping me actually laughed and the manager grimly said I could have the gold memeber card.
I can’t believe that I actually had to plead my case as to why I didn’t want to spend more money!
November 27, 2009 at 12:06 pm
One of my husband’s favourite quotes from his Irish grandmother to her hoardes of visiting grandchildren was,”You can have bread and butter or bread and jam, but you can’t have bread, butter and jam”. Even my own mother called bread, butter and jam, “Kitchen” [luxurious consumption]. Maybe we have made a few too many “Kitchen” choices.
Of course, we would have to update our idea of luxury to today’s standard; my six children all had bread, butter and jam, but never considered these sandwiches “kitchen”.
November 27, 2009 at 12:50 pm
Grace,
You are not alone. I have had several friends in similar situations, and as far as I know, all of them have worket it out. It seems that the adjustment to parenthood is more difficult for some than it is for others. Be sure to look after yourself and ask for help and support when you need it – don’t expect him to know instinctively what you need.
November 27, 2009 at 2:58 pm
No, it’s not that people don’t tell you. I tell people all the time I can eat like I have a hollow leg because I work out 5 times a week. I tell people I have a decent-paying job because I work 60 hours a week…or more. However, some people don’t want to believe it. It’s easier for them to think everything I have and everything I am is because of dumb luck. I think it makes them feel better about themselves if their situation in life is not their fault because they’re not as lucky as I am.
However, what annoys me most are people who refuse to believe I’m happy with my life. How can I live my life without cable? They can’t, therefore I must be lying. How can I be happy driving an 11-year-old Honda Civic? They can’t, therefore I must be lying.
Sheesh!
If these people would spend as much time fixing their lives as they do speculating about and judging mine, they might get their lives in order.
November 27, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Jennifer is so right. I think there is a huge link between consumer debt and our overweight/obese culture – two similar symptoms of an underlying cultural problem.
November 27, 2009 at 4:56 pm
I listened to a talk recently and the speaker mentioned that all the lifestyle advertising that we’re exposed to everyday presents the image that only a person or family making $150 000 could uphold. For some reason that example really hit home for me. Of course advertising presents an image that few can attain. So … that’s the choice.
November 27, 2009 at 5:44 pm
your financial stability should absolutely come into play when deciding if and when to have kids. i feel for the commenter who has tried to have kids and who could not but kids and shoes both require money. the magnitude of the decision is not the same but the tipping point is, whether or not you can afford to have them.
November 27, 2009 at 5:48 pm
i also think we should try to be as supportive as possible when our friends, family, coworkers etc… are making those hard decisions and not being able to have it all. stop pining away for grandkids if your adult children can’t afford to provide for them properly. if someone makes you a christmas gift, accept it and commend them for their creativity rather than comparing what you spent on them. don’t thumb your nose if your friend wants to stay in and play pictionary instead of going out clubbing or to a fancy restaurant.
November 27, 2009 at 6:53 pm
Well said, Gail. Life is about making our choices and accepting the consequences. Of course, things happen that we can’t expect or foresee, but even that is usually manageable with a little bit of planning. The truth is, that no one else is going to take responsibility for us. So, we need to think about what we’re doing and why BEFORE we get ourselves into a messy situation.
As for whether people have learned, I think the problem is that we keep making new people. As soon as this crop figures it out, a whole new one shows up to take their place. Which is one reason that teaching better financial management to young people is so important, in my view.
November 27, 2009 at 10:35 pm
This post and the comments all have opened a can of worms for me.
I will start with this… not all choices are our own. Take having babies for example. My sister found out that the pill is not 100% no matter how careful you are. The man involved promptly proposed, and a casual fun relationship got to be really serious really fast (like 7 months fast!), and she went from being a career woman to married with children faster than she knew what to do about it. Now, 7 years later, they are still trying to get to know each other, and it isn’t all sunshine and roses. They have found out things that would have been “deal-breakers” if they had known before that pregnancy test came up positive. A lot of it is financial, what a predicament! To be fair, they have made the best of a sticky situation and are still affectionate and loving to each other and the kids, so it isn’t a sad story, just a scary one about choices (or lack-off).
I’m with Ann here in the comments. It is very discouraging when people are resentful of my weight being fine, or my at-home business being okay, or my debt being under control or even for me having such a great husband! These things were all carefully strategized, choices were made at every step to help increase my chances of success! Goals are made, plans are adhered to, decisions carefully weighed. Even when things don’t go as well as I’d hoped, I adjust my goals to reflect the new truths and move forward. I choose my luck at every chance I can, the people I know that seem the most resentful are the people that react to situations instead of being proactive making their own situations.
And what Amber says too… openly accepting the consequences for the choices is important too.
November 27, 2009 at 11:39 pm
I hear you Ann!
It annoys me sometimes how my friends can’t accept that I’m happy with the way I am. I call it “partners in crime syndrome”. Subconciously they know that getting themselves into deeper debt over “stuff” is not a good path, but they want to feel better by telling themselves that “everyone does it!”. So they want me to do it too and attempt to make me feel guilty if I don’t.
And it applies to everything. I wish I had your hollow leg Ann. I work out six days a week two hours a day and with a personal trainer. I have another 30 pounds to lose (getting there but slow). I have a friend who could also stand to lose some weight but she’s constantly needling me to “eat” with her. She gets downright sulky if I refuse.
We need to hold fast to the knowledge that we are doing the right thing. Let’s not let the “crabs in the bucket” drag us down!!
November 27, 2009 at 11:42 pm
@Megan
@Dana
Thank you both for your comments. I really appreciate it. It helps even just to know that others are in the same boat.
November 28, 2009 at 8:30 am
At a recent dinner with a group of girl friends and listening to the conversations around the table, I came to the realization that a definite gap has developed between the way I look at things and the choices they make. I had a snack at home before going to the restaurant and ordered an appetizer and drank water. Everyone else ordered expensive meals and split wine and appetizers. My bill, $12 with tip. Theirs averaged $60 each. We all had a great time and other than the person beside me I don’t think anyone noticed my distinctly different food choices. I didn’t explain my selections and didn’t question anyone else on theirs. Nobody is right or wrong, we’re just on paths that diverged a little, but now seem to continue to run in parallel, but with a giant median in the middle.
It’s me who changed, not them. I think was always a little more frugal than most of them, but in the past few years I’ve consiously taken it to a whole new level. For the most part I don’t talk about my daily choices with them. The truly wealthy gals wouldn’t understand buying produce & meat that’s been marked down because of a buise or a looming best before date. The ones who, in my opinion, ought to be doing the same due to limited incomes refuse (or won’t admit it) because they are trying so hard to create the impression that they are keeping up with the wealthy ones.
People will always see what they choose to see and I’ve stopped worrying about it and accepted my friends as they are, and they do the same. Those who struggle financially will see only what we have and figure it’s easy on a good income. The wealthy ones wonder how we seem to live (on the surface) in much the way they do, but on far less income.
There is one who is very like minded and we have great heart-to-heart conversations. We talk about the balancing act required to enjoy today, but make our plans for tomorrow a reality. We trade stories on what we skimp on and what we splurge on. It’s always an interesting look behind the curtain when you see how others work things out. At the moment her DH, an electrician, is working on a casino in Bermuda. Last year he did 3 shorter trips to to northern Ontario to work on new facilities at a diamond mine. They’ve traded time apart in the short term for the the big paycheques these jobs bring and are working toward quickly paying off their mortgage and preparing for retirement. She couldn’t make the girl’s dinner because she was on holiday visiting her husband. (She flew on points and is staying at his company paid hotel). Had she been in town, she too would have had the appetizer and water evening and focussed more on a great visit with friends.
November 28, 2009 at 10:42 am
[...] with friends who do not have that attitude. If you read the comments on Gail Vaz-Oxlade’s most recent post, you’ll see that others feel the same way. It’s all about changing your mind set [...]
November 29, 2009 at 1:25 am
First, thank you Gail. I’m a fan of your shows, and I have read a couple of your books, but I like the interactiveness of your blog best of all. My boyfriend and I have been through a lot of ups and downs, after relocating to an area, just before being hit hard by the recession. A bit over a year later, our finances are still a bit bruised, but we’re finally starting to see some progress.
Anyways, enough of that.
We’ve both been adjusting to different ways of living, each at our own pace with setbacks, learning to live with our choices, instead of running. More often than not, am the one who is more aware, giving more thought to our situation, but many times my man has had to provide a distraction.
Will this recession change us? I’d say it already has, and will change us more before it’s properly over. Will it change the consumer culture that we have grown accustomed to over the past few decades? I hope so, but I agree with Amber, the change won’t stay unless it’s a fundamental change, and the younger people are taught.
November 29, 2009 at 8:08 pm
First time here… Some great posts for the basic financial decisions of life. Great work, and congrats on the book!
November 30, 2009 at 10:03 pm
One of my life choices is to live near where my family lives in the GTA but commute (give or take) 1+ hours (each way) to get to work. A good friend of mine continually urges me to move back to the big city (I originally lived in the city when I first graduated college) but decided to move back home to save for a down payment on my first home. It seems to bother her more that I commute than it does me – I like living near my family. Funny enough, she is married with 2 boys and lives 2 minutes from her parents home! I’m okay with this decision because it allowed me to purchase a home I could afford, instead of a shoe box for way more money just to live in the city. It takes so much more effort to ‘swim against the stream’ and not participate in this consumerist society of ours. I’m happy with my 10 yr old tv, basic cable, 10 yr old vehicle – I don’t need the best or the newest to be happy. I’m not a status person. You can look well turned out without dropping a fortune on fancy outfits, designer shoes/handbags or tons of bling.