All or Nothing
Posted by Gail | Filed under Balance
When I was a teenager my mother used to scold me for thinking in terms of black and white, all or nothing. She said that life was full of grays and she used to tell me that as my hair grew grayer I’d be able to see the variations in my life too. She was right.
While it’s simpler to think in black and white than the cope with all the versions of gray that exist in a life, learning to see the subtleties brings a great sense of calm. In the absoluteness of youth it’s easy to think that there are right and wrong answers and that everything must fall into one of those camps. But as we grow older we learn that the world, and our own lives, simply don’t work that way.
It is when we start to find the grays that we realize that aiming for perfection is a fool’s game. If you always aim for “all” or “nothing”, you end up with “nothing” a lot. Far better to be willing to accept what is than try and make the world conform to your ideas of what it should be.
I’ve long said that I don’t really care what people spend their money on as long as it’s their money they are spending. But I listen carefully to what some people consider a “waste” and what others consider a “need” and I recognize that there’s a lot of all or nothing at work. Judging others isn’t the secret to happiness. Judging others is the route we take when:
a) We are unsure of our own path and need to make ourselves feel “more right”, or
b) We are still so young that we don’t yet realize we are all right AND wrong.
There’s a difference between having healthy standards and setting arbitrary rules by which we judge ourselves and others. Learning to see the gray, accepting that each of us must walk our own path and learn our own lessons, means we can accept the flaws in others and in ourselves. It is no longer about being perfect; it’s about being the best we can be.
Some people choose to deny themselves all pleasure for fear that they will succumb to the evil of pleasure altogether. “I can’t buy myself anything nice because if I even go into a store I’ll completely lose control.” No you won’t. You can have a little glass of wine, a piece of chocolate, a cookie, a slice of cake. You can buy yourself the things that will bring you joy without slipping into total hedonism. You don’t have to go to the extreme of having it ALL or having NOTHING at all (genuine addictions excluded.)
There are times in everyone’s life when we must put immediate pleasure on hold because other priorities – real needs – take precedence. And a wise person knows when to rein it in so you can keep your bases covered. But putting off pleasure forever only feeds the desire and creates the likelihood that you’ll go overboard when you do decide to bust free and par-tay.
That’s one of the reasons why I strongly suggest every budget include some small pleasures that you can enjoy even as you bust your butt to get your debt paid off, build your emergency fund or establish a healthy retirement savings plan.
Balance, as opposed to all or nothing, is the key to creating a life that’s worth living now. And being able to see the full array of gray, from ash to heather, from oyster to silver, from pearl to stone, lets us enjoy all the parts of our lives because we realize that there is so much between All and Nothing.
November 17, 2009 at 5:34 am
As you say Gail, it is OUR money, and not allowing ourselves the permission to blow some of it is a good way to set ourselves up for failure. Or worse, to prove to ourselves that budgeting ‘doesn’t work’. I used to be stunned when you would give your couples an entertainment budget that came close to my grocery budget! Obviously, from past trends, you realized that cutting out that ‘luxury’ was a recipe for disaster. My black and white mind would have said, no entertainment until things got under control. But then I would feel constrained to the breaking point and fall off the wagon, so to speak. My important categories might seem silly to others, as their’s would to me. So, I am looking for the various hues in my own corner of the world, and gonna work on that. But, just when I get to a point that I am ready to start my EF, and put the budget to work, some outside influence throws a monkey wrench into the mix. My mom’s brother is not expected to survive the week, which means an out of town trip, gas, food, hotel, and there is nothing in the EF yet to cover this. My upcoming payday was the one to set up my jars, now they will be on hold again…. That old saying “the Hurrier I go, the behinder I get’ holds true for me lately.
November 17, 2009 at 7:38 am
You are on the money today Gail. Putting off having some fun has really driven my wife and I nuts. We are starting to let out the reins while still holding on to them. We realize that we need to have more fun in our budget, but we realized we are in debt because we have had too much fun in our budget. Letting out the reins is different from letting go of the reins which is different from yankiung in the reins completely bringing the horse to a stop.
regards,
Jason
November 17, 2009 at 8:28 am
I was never surprised that Gail allowed entertainment money in the budget – especially if you have kids – if you don’t have some fun, you’ll just get angry with the constraints of your budget and the likelihood is you’ll fall down flat or be extremely miserable to be around. Even Weight Watchers allows you some indulgences – a piece of chocolate here or there. Keeps you happy and reminds you that self-control doesn’t have to mean denial.
We managed to save huge amounts of money by not ordering in or eating out 2-3 times a week and by taking our lunches to work. Now, going out to a restaurant is a treat, and we enjoy it more. We’ve put aside so much just doing that little bit we were able to pay cash for a winter vacation getaway someplace nice and warm in February – the first time in 7 years we’ve been able to do that. That’s a huge reward and means we really don’t miss the eating out, ordering in, or buying lunches at work if it means we can go away every year in the winter.
By using a rewards credit card and paying it off in full every month, we accumulate the points to purchase entertainment cards for activities we like to do, stretching our entertainment budget even further at no cost.
Debt-free is freedom.
November 17, 2009 at 8:29 am
I find it tricky to feel like my money is my money to spend when I know I will need as much as I can save for my future.
November 17, 2009 at 9:03 am
The “jar” system is, in my mind, the most useful system in the world. If it isn’t in the jar, you can’t spend it. But if it is… hey, it’s in the ENTERTAINMENT jar! That must be what it’s for! I know other items in my budget are covered, and I know exactly how much I get to spend on fun. I like what Jason said — I can let out the reins without letting go of the reins. It makes me feel WEALTHY when I can guiltlessly say yes to joining a friend out for dinner or a play, even while clipping coupons for food. And as Suzanne says, it’s MY money, and all the choices are ultimately mine as to what to do with it. I just need to make wise choices for myself, and what’s wise for me may not be for another. MY shade of grey.
November 17, 2009 at 9:42 am
Suzanne, sorry to hear about your uncle.
Don’t fret about putting off the jars until next month, just know that you will be amazed at the amount of money that you will feel like you have when you start using cash and you will be on track faster than you realize when you start paying attention to the holes that $$ is slipping through.
Entertainment is important, luckily when you have small children they are easily amused by goofy cheap stuff like playing in puddle or making cookies or roasting weiners in the fireplace.
Even as adults we can alter our perception of entertainment ie: go out for a weekend breakfast instead of dinner, walk in the local park and then have coffee…etc, etc.
At the end of my two weeks when I am re-filling my envelopes, I divvy up the leftover money. If there are $50 bills left over from my “Other” and “Gift” envelopes, they go into my “Christmas” envelope, $20 bills left from my transportation envelope go into my “Car” envelope (for tires, tune ups, etc) and the smaller fives, loonies/toonies go into my “leftover” envelope for those times when I need a little extra for something. It pays for those times when my son needs some extra, or the Girl Guides come around with cookies, or I am having people for dinner and am spending a bit more for special treats…or even if I just want to treat myself to something ’cause I am tired of being thrifty. Knowing I have a “stash” makes me feel less constrained and like I am cheating only the money has already been alotted for. (I admit I am not one of the really strict budgeters and don’t write down every purchase. I just use up my envelope moneys without dipping into any of my bank accounts. )
November 17, 2009 at 10:04 am
Gail – right on! I recently had a lesson in balance myself. I’ve been voluntarily paying about 40% of my take home to aggressively eliminate my student loans, which of course meant that after food, rent and other necessities, there wasn’t much left over for fun. prwdictably, I kept on going over budget, when I’d go out for a meal here or a drink there and not have the money budgeted to pay for the fun that I clearly love to have. As of very recently, I now have a wedding to plan for next year, as well as potential moving expenses. Trying to squeeze more out of my budget was threatening my sanity, so I adjusted my loan payments to a lower level that would see me continue to make progress on getting rid of them but also allow me to save for my priorities (and not have to borrow), maintain my contributions to RRSPs and my emergency fun, and also have a bit more fun. Becoming debt free is important to me, but I need to do it on a plan that is realistic and sustainable – balance is key!
November 17, 2009 at 10:22 am
“Everything in moderation, including moderation”- Oscar Wilde. And I agree with MP too that self-control does not mean denial. I ran into that problem at work except that it was with cookies. Through years of yummy trial and error I came up with a recipe that is healthier, but people, they’re still cookies! Coworkers on diets would eat as many as they could since they were “healthier”; they really thought it was all or nothing and then the guilt monster sets in. It’s the same with a budget, the cookies (entertainment budget) is healthier because it is smaller than it was, so go ahead and use it guilt free. Or save it up and go for a big purchase guilt free.
November 17, 2009 at 11:12 am
I was struggling with this BIG TIME until I finally realized that I was getting no where by denying myself of all fun and then getting so debt fatigued that I would run out and spend a ton at once. Now I have an ING account set up and its called ME money, lol. Every pay check, money gets sent to this account and generally I let it build. So when my best friend who know lives 5 hours away came into town this weekend, the money was there to go out for dinner and drinks. Its really a great feeling!
November 17, 2009 at 11:45 am
THe Protestant/Puritanical Work Ethic, of Work Hard, stay out of Debt and you will be rewarded (in the next life), seems very harsh at times, however, right now we seem to have let the pendulum swing in the other direction and are now living the, “Live Now, Pay Later” ethic, which isn’t good either.
Balance in life is what the goal should be. Find the Fulcrum and then Balance.
November 17, 2009 at 12:11 pm
I have always remembered Gail’s lesson on “thoil”- I can afford it but I can’t justify the expense.My friends often bug me about not buying “stuff”. They reason that since I can afford it why shouldn’t I buy it? I can go months without making any purchases other than necessities for my household. But when I do find something I think is worth the money – I tend to go big.Overseas holidays, gifts for my neice and nephew, and I just bought a netbook. I get a lot of pleasure in researching my purchase and looking for the best price and timing. I think that’s why it doesn’t bother me to save for it. The anticipation is so rewarding.
November 17, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Right on Gail! I am glad you brought that up today. I was feeling some guilt over buying a couple remote control cars for my boys yesterday. They were second hand, for a great price, and they were even on their Christmas Lists last year (but I hated the price brand new, so this was a great find)! However, I still felt foolish bringing them home (as if they need ANOTHER RC car!). Entertainment is the category that will go under, and I am sure they will have a great time with them.
And I agree with Anne above, I get a lot of pleasure anticipating the purchases as I research and save up for them. By the time I get them I truly appreciate the reward for my efforts.
November 17, 2009 at 1:49 pm
We track our money carefully, and manage to live nicely on less than we earn. The most empowering thing we have done, however, is set aside money for travel, hobbies, etc. in our savings. Now when I get grouchy about the need to save, my husband can gently remind me that we haven’t touched the travel money yet. I am balancing the desire to save with the “spending” part of planned spending. This keeps a nice balance in our lives!
November 17, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Oh Gail, how I love your blog! Financial common sense and bits of philosophical wisdom to boot! Awesome! I’m adding this to my fave list of quotes. (Yeah, I keep a computer file. I’m ok with being a geek):
It is when we start to find the grays that we realize that aiming for perfection is a fool’s game. If you always aim for “all” or “nothing”, you end up with “nothing” a lot.
Having ‘planned spending’ jars (accounts) has been incredibly helpful for us, and a good many of those jars are about having fun and balance in our life (e.g, travel, gifts). I don’t think I’ve ever been able to ENJOY the things we do that cost money as much as I do now, now that I know we can afford it.
November 17, 2009 at 3:37 pm
All or Nothing … hmm I don’t think I have ever done “Nothing”
Except for when my ex and I split up and I was faced with alot of unexpected expenses so I managed to live bare bones for 3 or 4 months.
I am a firm believer in enjoying life while your here and you can’t take money with you when you die, but I am also a firm believer in saving money and living within your means.
My fiance and I were talking last night about our upcoming wedding and honeymoon. We have all the money there to pay for it but I was trying to think of ways we can save ourselves money (as I often do). I knew there wasn’t much room in the wedding budget to decrease anything as I am realistic and already have the lower end of the numbers in there. So we decided that instead of taking 100% of the wedding expenses out of our savings we were going to try and pay for 30% out of our chequing and 70% out of our savings. I knew when we decided this (since I know our budget and expense like the back of my hand) the only room for movement on our budget is entertainment , food (incl. eating out) and clothing, gifts, etc. So basically we agreed to spend the next 7 months entertaining ourselves very cheaply and really dive deep into batch cooking, etc. We are going to be spending alot of time at home which is okay since we spent the last year renovating we will be able to enjoy our new home.
November 17, 2009 at 7:59 pm
i don’t understand people who deprive themselves of things when they can afford them. I have seen too many people save and save and save only to die and not have done anything: travel, use their good china, their good furniture, etc. Today was a good example of not depriving myself of something I wanted, I paid cash. It’s a fundraiser at work for Pashmina (sp?) scarves. I purchased 3. One for my friend for christmas, one for my mom for Christmas, and one for me.
November 17, 2009 at 8:08 pm
The new blog looks great, but is it possible to darken and enlarge the font?
November 17, 2009 at 8:25 pm
The “all or nothing” way of life is filled with potholes for sure. I have found that when I go on a ‘clothing fast’ – I’m good for awhile and then I binge shop. Instead, my budget now allows for a monthly clothing allowance which I find works for me. It might be slightly higher than what others allot – but I’m frugal in other areas, such as eating out. As mentioned by others, it’s MY money and I can spend it how I see fit as long as I have a balanced approach – make bills, save for retirement, save for EF and save a little for fun.
November 17, 2009 at 10:58 pm
Cynthia, It can be very difficult for folks who grew up poor to understand when they do, in fact, have enough money to enjoy life. While I didn’t grow up poor, both my parents did–my mother especially–and it informed their parenting and the messages I got growing up. My mom, a baby boomer, grew up in the North End of Winnipeg without a car, TV, or bathtub, and there sometimes wasn’t enough food to go around. Both her parents were deaf; granddad had a grade 6 education and worked long hours as a janitor. It was not a life of privilege. Mom got her first job waitressing at age 12 (lying about her age) and her first purchases were a watch, a bicycle (both related to getting to work on time) and a dresser. So she, to this day, has a hard time feeling she has enough to enjoy the finer things in life, and I never learned how to budget and plan for fun. But with Gail’s system I have learned to do this. You can teach an old dog new tricks!